022: Lies

March 9, 2010
Genesis 3

I’ve always related to Eve because, like her, I have believed lies. I know if I had been in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing… perhaps much earlier than she did.

Do you believe lies? Tonight, on my isolated drive home from work through the dark and the rain, I was hearing these lies: “You are not lovely. You are not valuable. Nobody has ever wanted you just as you are, and nobody ever will. You have to do something to be an asset to anyone, and you can’t figure out what it is to do, because you can’t make up your mind about what’s important to you. You are weak – you depend on people to support you, and you can’t control your emotions. You are a mess. Why do you even bother trying? You know all your efforts at self improvement and pleasing people in hopes that they might love you and being generous and gracious and giving of yourself will never bring you the satisfaction you want. So why keep going? What is the point?”

It was pretty brutal. I’m so dense sometimes; the tears were filling my eyes and the old, familiar ache in my heart had started before I even realized the cruel, conniving tone of my accuser.

Have you ever considered suicide? I have. I had breakfast with my sister and cousin last weekend, and my sister was going to a funeral of a young man in our community that recently died from carbon monoxide poisoning. There were many varying factors involved, so the rumor mill isn’t sure if it was an intentional self inflicted death or not. Regardless, the conversation turned to how his death looked like it might have been a suicide, and I was surprised by the strong emotions emitting from my companions on the subject. They explicitly declared in no uncertain terms that suicide was one of the most selfish, disgusting acts they could think of.

I don’t necessarily disagree with them that the decision to kill yourself could be perceived as selfish, but I also know that I’ve walked to the edge of that cliff more than once and peered over the edge. Yes, I may have been being selfish when I did that, but it wasn’t necessarily motivated by a desire to make everyone else hurt.

When you’re there, in that dark, dark, slimy pit, you are simply not thinking the way you are when you’re on the outside looking in. For me, I know that my emotions and my discontentment and my questions and ponderings are exhausting and frustrating and irritating to be around sometimes. I’m sure my family and friends didn’t mean to communicate it exactly the way I interpreted it, but it’s easy to think that the world really would be better off without you. You begin to believe you have nothing to offer anyone, and instead are simply draining valuable resources – emotional, mental, psychological, etc – from the people you love. Rather than being that sort of a leech, and because you’re desperate and hurting, you’re looking for an escape. Just a couple well-whispered lies in a weak moment – in the darkness when you’re lonely and afraid already – and they’ve taken root and started to generate a negative message into your heart and mind. Is it right? No. Is it a commendable action? No. Is it reality? Yes. If you’ve ever been there – hearing the lies at midnight in your cold, lonely bed – so have I. And thus far, I’ve walked away from them. I believe you can too.