021: Reluctance and Revelation

March 8, 2010
Matthew 5-7

Sometimes I’m not in the mood to write. Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight is one of the nights that I anticipated when I set out on this challenge; sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do. It’s good for us. It builds character. And even in the midst of my internal whining about how I don’t want to write, I DO want to build character, so I’ll write anyhow.

I don’t get myself sometimes. In fact, I don’t get myself a lot. The last couple months have just been a weird, complicated, rather tumultuous couple of months on an emotional level. I’ve almost forgotten what I think I would term “normal,” because it seems like the UNnormal has drug on so long. When I start to feel like the emotional weight of the last year is piling up on me, I start to feel desperate. Does anyone else have this experience? It’s like a horse in a corral when it knows a cougar is stalking it (not that I see that scenario very often, but it’s easy to imagine from all the westerns and horse movies I’ve watched). The fight or flight instincts kick in, and I tend to be more of a flight person. I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t stay here, so I start to frantically consider my other options – jump over the fence and run? Make as much noise as possible and hope someone comes to my rescue? Accept an attack?

Running is usually my first option. Not only on a physical level – I run miles a week to try to reduce my stress and tension – but also on a geographical level and emotional and mental level. I get the urge to pick up and move someplace new, someplace where people don’t know me and I don’t feel like I know myself, so I can reinvent who I am. Emotionally I run by trying to run away into a dream land or ignore the situation altogether – neither of which work effectively, I might add. And mentally, I throw all kinds of new challenges and theories and thoughts and books into my head to try to distract myself from issues at hand.

I did not want to write tonight because I’m frustrated and upset with someone I have known and frustrated and upset with myself that I’m affected by this person and their behaviors. I just composed a list that is titled, “Things that Piss Me Off about ______.” It felt good to write it out – as verbal as I can be, sometimes I fail to really verbalize my anger and frustration – but I also know as I write it that I’m not without guilt in this situation. So then I had to write a list titled, "Things that Piss Me Off about Me." It takes two to tango, and I have certainly made contributions to making the situation confusing and complicated for me.

I knew I needed some passage from the Bible to put with today’s blog entry, and I wasn’t in the mood to read in either 1 Corinthians, 1 Peter, or Deuteronomy, which are the books I’m reading through right now. But as I was flipping through the New Testament, the title heading of Matthew 7 caught my eye, “Do Not Judge Others.” I’m about to do some serious business with the Lord as soon as I finish writing, because as I was reading through all of Jesus’s sermon on the mountain, I was convicted again and again over my recent attitudes, actions, and – fundamentally – selfishness, pride, and self worship.

Oh Lord, I am a foolish, weak, defiled sinner. Have mercy on me. Forgive me and help me live my life victoriously, overcoming these sins and continuing on with a refined and holy heart.