017: Nada. Nothing.

March 5, 2010
Psalm 139

As I type this, my present heart condition is in an interesting spot. I realized – while I was at a local coffee shop after my night class attempting to read my Bible but instead being distracted by chatting with people on facebook – that I am a complete hypocrite. I have no right to be writing a blog about a spiritual journey. I’m a selfish jerk of a person who FAR too easily, quickly, and revoltingly gets caught up on my high horse, willing to point out everyone else’s faults.

What do I know?! Nothing. I’m no Biblical scholar. I have no formal training or education in interpersonal relationships. I’ve never been married nor had kids. All my attempts at romantic relationships have failed. I don’t even live on my own – I live with my grandparents. I drive a junk heap named “Poppy” for a car, I am the most disorganized, least structured, unprofessional teacher you will ever meet, not to mention person. Oh, and I’m terrible about making up my mind; I’ve been deliberating about repainting my bedroom for well onto 6 months now, and I still haven’t done it.

Why am I writing about this safari? What good can it possibly do? What is its purpose? Why would it be helpful or beneficial to any other person? Is it even helpful and beneficial for me?

I seriously considered throwing in the towel, pulling the plug, and just deleting not only this blog but both of my other blogs and my facebook (again). I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer. I am absolutely bone-weary-dry, if there ever was anything to give in the first place. I don’t know anything - and when I act like I do it’s really more detrimental than helpful.

While I was brushing my teeth tonight I turned to Psalm 139. It’s my standard go-to poem when I feel terribly about myself and my life. I’m not sure why this psalm wins over others, it just does. It’s been hugely significant to me ever since the dark days of my teenage years when I most seriously considered suicide.

Even though I’m not really entirely sure I believe it – actually, I know I don’t, because if I did I probably wouldn’t get to this place – I want to believe it so badly that I’ll hold on to it. I am precious to God. He thinks about me. He loves me. He created me to be who I am.

And no, I might not have anything to offer on this blog, really. Nor the others. Nor facebook. Nor any other website or social position that acts as my pacifier, distracting me from the real trials of life. But whatever I do have is God’s to use as He wishes. If He can use these writings to help just one person, then of course it’s worth it, even when my mind is thousands of miles away, dreaming about being someplace warm and dry and sunny and different from here. But the great thing is God can meet my brain anywhere. He can meet you anywhere too.

That is why I’ll keep going on this project. Because maybe I need to have it in order to meet up with God.