March 24, 2010
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, Proverbs 27:5,6,9,10,17
In Morocco, almost four years ago, I was assigned to work in a hospitality house with a young woman from Colorado. God must have poured His grace over us and our friendship, because Bri and I became fast, best friends. We lived together, worked together, traveled together, ate together, and exercised together. At least 23 out of every 24 hours we were together, and we walked away from the summer on the Mediterranean with a cemented friendship.
Our friendship has now spanned three continents, multiple countries, several states, and many seasons of life.
As I look back at the scope of the last four years, I can see how God has used Bri to refine me in so many ways. Although we are similar in a lot of areas – we both love coffee, traveling, North Africa, Jesus, people, music, etc – we are also very different. Bri’s primary love languages are gifts and physical touch, and mine are words of affirmation and quality time (followed closely by physical touch). Learning how to communicate and express my love for Bri to her over the last couple years has helped me expand my connection-ability. Bri is also a planner, and I’m totally last minute about everything. She’s very disciplined and responsible, while I’m a bit, uh, less so!
Sometimes I’m surprised that we are as good of friends as we are, but then I look at our friendship and it is just so obvious to me that God orchestrated it for the purpose of teaching each other SO much.
Today I flew to Colorado to be Bri’s Maid of Honor in her wedding this weekend. We drove over to her fiance’s house to pick him up after we dropped all the other bridesmaids off at Bri’s apartment, and I’m always amazed at how well Bri can read me under the surface. I thought I had been doing a good job of keeping some of my emotions in check, but of course, Bri knew something was going on at a deeper level.
There are very few people that I feel comfortable crying in front of, but Bri is one of them. Since she’s been living in Colorado for the last six months or so, I hadn’t realized how much I missed having the accountability of having someone be able to call me out on my masks. And the thing I love so much about Bri is that she loves from the most genuine heart. Even when I’m turning into a blubbering mess in the front seat of her parked car, she can still look at me with eyes of love, accepting me for who I am. Being loved in such a fashion is overwhelming sometimes. It’s scary to be so known by someone, and know they have the ability to hurt you so deeply, and yet I’m drawn to that intimate relationship at the same time, because I DO want to be known for who I really am.
This life is such a delicate balance – a dance of sorts – back and forth between intimacy and hiding. When I realize that I’m participating in this crazy dance, I can’t wait for heaven. I truly believe heaven will be all about relationships like the one I have with Bri, yet without the presence sin. How long, oh my God, until we can be known and fully know in Your presence? I long for it!
Friday, March 26, 2010
036: Thankfulness
March 23, 2010
Philippians 2:1-18, 3:1, 8-9
The summer I lived in Morocco I had a friend that told me he thought the greatest safeguard to our faith was exactly what Paul told the Philippians church: Rejoice in the Lord. He told me, “Dani, do you want to effectively battle apathy? Discouragement? Pride? Jealousy? Bitterness? Discontentment? Selfishness? Rejoice in the Lord – keep your eyes fixed firmly on Jesus.”
I’m not always good at maintaining that single-minded focus – in fact, most of the time I’m not, but I have learned that I can help myself keep Jesus the main thing in my view if I focus on being thankful. Along with that comes the thoughts Paul encourages the church at Philippi to entertain, and the lifestyle that he speaks of in chapter 2.
So what am I thankful for today?
- I’m thankful for my job. It allows me to meet my financial obligations with an abundance of blessing out of which I’ve been able to bless people. I get to talk and meet with people and get paid for it. I am able to build relationships with my students and other teachers and staff, and I love the academic environment of curiosity and questioning and learning and ideas. I love that it superimposes a structure into my life, while allowing me plenty of flexibility and freedom within that schedule. I love that I get to be both creative and analytical, and that my work is a challenge.
- I’m thankful for many wonderful friends who walk through life with me – figuratively and literally. My friend Kayla walked a 3 mile loop around the lake-park in town the other day and we caught up on life. My friend Amber has coffee with me once a week (usually on Wednesdays) and keeps me accountable in my walk with God. Mollee, another friend, has coffee with me once a week (other than Wednesdays). Laura stays in touch with me via email (she’s better at it than I am), and my sisters regularly talk on the phone. Kindra and her husband Jordan let me come and join their family at random breakfasts, and Melanie and Chris – another couple-friend – have had countless conversations with me over their dining room table. I am so blessed by how God provides companionship and accountability and encouragement through the people in my life.
- I’m thankful for living in the Northwest. It rains a lot, which isn’t always my favorite, but when it is sunny and beautiful, I appreciate it all the more. I also enjoy going to other places for a change, but the comforting smells of the Northwest, like the pine and the molds and the rain on pavement, remind me of where I come from and my history.
- I love the smell of spring which is hanging in the air right now. It is a particular, fresh scent that I begin to smell this time of year every year. Nobody else understands what I’m talking about – which I like, because then it seems like its God’s gift to me.
- I’m thankful for Jesus. I’m thankful that God wanted to reveal Himself to me by becoming like me so I can know Him.
Philippians 2:1-18, 3:1, 8-9
The summer I lived in Morocco I had a friend that told me he thought the greatest safeguard to our faith was exactly what Paul told the Philippians church: Rejoice in the Lord. He told me, “Dani, do you want to effectively battle apathy? Discouragement? Pride? Jealousy? Bitterness? Discontentment? Selfishness? Rejoice in the Lord – keep your eyes fixed firmly on Jesus.”
I’m not always good at maintaining that single-minded focus – in fact, most of the time I’m not, but I have learned that I can help myself keep Jesus the main thing in my view if I focus on being thankful. Along with that comes the thoughts Paul encourages the church at Philippi to entertain, and the lifestyle that he speaks of in chapter 2.
So what am I thankful for today?
- I’m thankful for my job. It allows me to meet my financial obligations with an abundance of blessing out of which I’ve been able to bless people. I get to talk and meet with people and get paid for it. I am able to build relationships with my students and other teachers and staff, and I love the academic environment of curiosity and questioning and learning and ideas. I love that it superimposes a structure into my life, while allowing me plenty of flexibility and freedom within that schedule. I love that I get to be both creative and analytical, and that my work is a challenge.
- I’m thankful for many wonderful friends who walk through life with me – figuratively and literally. My friend Kayla walked a 3 mile loop around the lake-park in town the other day and we caught up on life. My friend Amber has coffee with me once a week (usually on Wednesdays) and keeps me accountable in my walk with God. Mollee, another friend, has coffee with me once a week (other than Wednesdays). Laura stays in touch with me via email (she’s better at it than I am), and my sisters regularly talk on the phone. Kindra and her husband Jordan let me come and join their family at random breakfasts, and Melanie and Chris – another couple-friend – have had countless conversations with me over their dining room table. I am so blessed by how God provides companionship and accountability and encouragement through the people in my life.
- I’m thankful for living in the Northwest. It rains a lot, which isn’t always my favorite, but when it is sunny and beautiful, I appreciate it all the more. I also enjoy going to other places for a change, but the comforting smells of the Northwest, like the pine and the molds and the rain on pavement, remind me of where I come from and my history.
- I love the smell of spring which is hanging in the air right now. It is a particular, fresh scent that I begin to smell this time of year every year. Nobody else understands what I’m talking about – which I like, because then it seems like its God’s gift to me.
- I’m thankful for Jesus. I’m thankful that God wanted to reveal Himself to me by becoming like me so I can know Him.
035: To Know and Be Known
March 22, 2010
Romans 6
While I might keep coming back to this in this blog, I really don’t think it doesn’t deserve as much attention as I want to give it: I am amazed by how God forgives sins. Just forgives them. It’s astounding!
Obviously, it is much, much more of a deal than the fingersnap action implied in the previous paragraph. All too often I fail to recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate the extent to which God went to provide a way for me to have a personal relationship with Him. And that He would even CARE to do so. I am so bad at really appreciating and grasping the idea of how personal God is.
When I step back and think about it, I’m stunned that the creator of the universe, the great “I AM,” the designer of all that is and the power of all that exists would want to be known by His creation.
Wow.
I have conflicting feelings about being known. A part of me longs for it – I am made in the image of God, I am a relational being, and therefore I want to be in relationships with other relational beings who have the capacity to learn about me and know me and understand me. Likewise, I am usually intrigued with the idea of putting pieces together and gaining a fuller understanding of other people. I actually keep a notebook where I write down little details about people – who likes what candybars and when their birthdays are and what are their significant hopes and dreams and greatest accomplishments and job descriptions, etc. It’s been helpful on more than one occasion to help me figure out birthday or Christmas gifts! I love the idea of getting an understanding about people, and then being able to help them understand themselves, because often times I feel as though people who invest time and energy into getting to know me, and who can then step back and help me see myself from their perspective, are HUGELY helpful for allowing me to better understand myself.
But then there is a part of me that hates being known because it means I’m very vulnerable. To know someone, obviously, is to have the ability to hurt them in ways that “surface” relationships cannot. Because I’m afraid of the pain when I am known and the person who knows me hurts me, I’m wary of it. Sometimes I would prefer to be a little more distant – a little more mysterious – so that my weaknesses and vulnerabilities are not such easy prey.
However, even with this bit of internal struggle, I love how God knows me fully, and loves me and accepts me as I am (even though He loves me too much to just LEAVE me the way I am), and also how He invites me to know Him. That is really astounding to me. I can look at ants under a microscope and find them interesting and want to know all about them, but I cannot actually KNOW them – if an ant can be known – nor do I have any way of letting the ant know me. But then, that’s what Jesus is for. He demonstrates that God wanted to BE known, and to do that, He was willing to become like us so we could better understand. Is not God serving?!
Romans 6
While I might keep coming back to this in this blog, I really don’t think it doesn’t deserve as much attention as I want to give it: I am amazed by how God forgives sins. Just forgives them. It’s astounding!
Obviously, it is much, much more of a deal than the fingersnap action implied in the previous paragraph. All too often I fail to recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate the extent to which God went to provide a way for me to have a personal relationship with Him. And that He would even CARE to do so. I am so bad at really appreciating and grasping the idea of how personal God is.
When I step back and think about it, I’m stunned that the creator of the universe, the great “I AM,” the designer of all that is and the power of all that exists would want to be known by His creation.
Wow.
I have conflicting feelings about being known. A part of me longs for it – I am made in the image of God, I am a relational being, and therefore I want to be in relationships with other relational beings who have the capacity to learn about me and know me and understand me. Likewise, I am usually intrigued with the idea of putting pieces together and gaining a fuller understanding of other people. I actually keep a notebook where I write down little details about people – who likes what candybars and when their birthdays are and what are their significant hopes and dreams and greatest accomplishments and job descriptions, etc. It’s been helpful on more than one occasion to help me figure out birthday or Christmas gifts! I love the idea of getting an understanding about people, and then being able to help them understand themselves, because often times I feel as though people who invest time and energy into getting to know me, and who can then step back and help me see myself from their perspective, are HUGELY helpful for allowing me to better understand myself.
But then there is a part of me that hates being known because it means I’m very vulnerable. To know someone, obviously, is to have the ability to hurt them in ways that “surface” relationships cannot. Because I’m afraid of the pain when I am known and the person who knows me hurts me, I’m wary of it. Sometimes I would prefer to be a little more distant – a little more mysterious – so that my weaknesses and vulnerabilities are not such easy prey.
However, even with this bit of internal struggle, I love how God knows me fully, and loves me and accepts me as I am (even though He loves me too much to just LEAVE me the way I am), and also how He invites me to know Him. That is really astounding to me. I can look at ants under a microscope and find them interesting and want to know all about them, but I cannot actually KNOW them – if an ant can be known – nor do I have any way of letting the ant know me. But then, that’s what Jesus is for. He demonstrates that God wanted to BE known, and to do that, He was willing to become like us so we could better understand. Is not God serving?!
034: Family Time
March 21, 2010
Romans 5:1-11, Romans 7:14-25
One of my favorite parts about this road trip is getting to hang out with my cousins. I think I’m pretty spoiled to have an amazing family. My cousin Roberta is actually my Mom’s first cousin. She lives in the Central Valley with her husband, and I’ve been the joyful recipient of their warm hospitality several times. Her son and daughter are just a little older than me, and in the past four years or so I’ve been able to hang out with them a little.
Reid is, perhaps, the most sensitive, sweetheart of a guy I know. When my younger sister and I were heading home from a college scouting road trip to Cali, Reid opted to join us at the last minute to give us a break from driving and also to come spend time with our family during his Christmas vacation. He might be the best story teller I’ve ever met – I rarely laugh as much with anyone else. Last summer he married his college sweetheart, Lizzy, and this trip was the first time I got to meet her and get to know her a little. I’m looking forward to having them come up to visit our family for my sister’s wedding this summer.
Kelly has the exact same personality profile as me, which means I automatically love her because I feel like she just “gets” me easily, and vice versa. She’s a dynamic, fun, social butterfly, and I enjoy tapping her brain for wisdom from her own personal life experience. Since we’ve got similar outlooks and approaches to life, I find it helpful to get a heads up from her about some of the things she’s had to deal with as she’s gotten older, and vent some of my frustration with myself to someone who can understand this process of maturing and refining from my perspective. We had ridiculously late-night talks two of the three nights I was there.
Sometimes, as much fun as it is to visit my family and friends that I connect with and love that live far away, I have to struggle with myself to not become discontent in the fact that I can’t be with these people ALL the time. I wish I could. I wish there was some way I could make a city with all my favorite people in it, an have some sort of screening process so only people I knew I’d like would be able to come into the city an hang out with us.
Is that creepy or what?! On a massive level, when I step back and think about it, I find it disturbing. I’m really quite incredibly selfish and self-serving.
But then when I REALLY think about it, I realize I probably wouldn’t want that in all actuality. I’d get tired of all the same people.
You know what is amazing to me? Well, a lot of things, but first off, that God puts up with my selfish absorption enough to love me (and wack me upside the head sometimes) out of it… that God doesn’t get tired of humans altogether… that God is SOO, SOO, SOOOOOOO huge and big and vast and still pours His immeasurable love out on me, and that He won’t give up until He has perfected me. Now if only I could figure out how to make it happen faster, because sometimes I just get plain old tired of being me. What amazes you? Who amazes you?
Romans 5:1-11, Romans 7:14-25
One of my favorite parts about this road trip is getting to hang out with my cousins. I think I’m pretty spoiled to have an amazing family. My cousin Roberta is actually my Mom’s first cousin. She lives in the Central Valley with her husband, and I’ve been the joyful recipient of their warm hospitality several times. Her son and daughter are just a little older than me, and in the past four years or so I’ve been able to hang out with them a little.
Reid is, perhaps, the most sensitive, sweetheart of a guy I know. When my younger sister and I were heading home from a college scouting road trip to Cali, Reid opted to join us at the last minute to give us a break from driving and also to come spend time with our family during his Christmas vacation. He might be the best story teller I’ve ever met – I rarely laugh as much with anyone else. Last summer he married his college sweetheart, Lizzy, and this trip was the first time I got to meet her and get to know her a little. I’m looking forward to having them come up to visit our family for my sister’s wedding this summer.
Kelly has the exact same personality profile as me, which means I automatically love her because I feel like she just “gets” me easily, and vice versa. She’s a dynamic, fun, social butterfly, and I enjoy tapping her brain for wisdom from her own personal life experience. Since we’ve got similar outlooks and approaches to life, I find it helpful to get a heads up from her about some of the things she’s had to deal with as she’s gotten older, and vent some of my frustration with myself to someone who can understand this process of maturing and refining from my perspective. We had ridiculously late-night talks two of the three nights I was there.
Sometimes, as much fun as it is to visit my family and friends that I connect with and love that live far away, I have to struggle with myself to not become discontent in the fact that I can’t be with these people ALL the time. I wish I could. I wish there was some way I could make a city with all my favorite people in it, an have some sort of screening process so only people I knew I’d like would be able to come into the city an hang out with us.
Is that creepy or what?! On a massive level, when I step back and think about it, I find it disturbing. I’m really quite incredibly selfish and self-serving.
But then when I REALLY think about it, I realize I probably wouldn’t want that in all actuality. I’d get tired of all the same people.
You know what is amazing to me? Well, a lot of things, but first off, that God puts up with my selfish absorption enough to love me (and wack me upside the head sometimes) out of it… that God doesn’t get tired of humans altogether… that God is SOO, SOO, SOOOOOOO huge and big and vast and still pours His immeasurable love out on me, and that He won’t give up until He has perfected me. Now if only I could figure out how to make it happen faster, because sometimes I just get plain old tired of being me. What amazes you? Who amazes you?
033: Long Anticipated
March 20, 2010
Psalm 111, Psalm 112, Psalm 113
Today was a much-anticipated day for me. Four years ago I started pursuing going to Morocco to do humanitarian work. I was about to start courting a young man with promise and potential, and I wanted to make sure I had the chance to experience living overseas for a time before I committed to settling down and making someone else’s dreams my first priority. Although the relationship didn’t work out, the following summer I spent 11 glorious weeks working and being refined and encouraged and humbled and grown in the heart-capturing lands of Morocco.
While I was there, I met a plethora of wonderful people – many of which I count among my dear friends now – among them, a guy named Tom and a girl named Caitlyn. Tommy was smitten with Caitlyn, and Caitlyn was smitten with Tommy, and after a year of correspondence, they started dating while I was living and working and hanging out with them during MY time in Maroc.
Less than a year later, I visited Tom – who lived in England – during my spring break (because I was living in Rome), and we talked about how he and Caitlyn wanted to get married… but the timing was off, not to mention the cross-Atlantic-ness of their relationship. Then the next year Caitlyn moved to England for 3 months, and they got engaged, and now, 9 months later, they’re finally tying the knot and getting married. Oh what a joyous occasion!
I really enjoy attending weddings where I fully support the marriage and I’m thrilled with how I’ve seen God working in the couple and as a couple to bring honor and glory to His name. I’ve attended many weddings over the years, and Tommy and Caity’s was, perhaps, one of my favorites. Not because I knew everyone there – I didn’t – and not because the dancing was amazing – I didn’t get to stay long enough to find out if there was dancing and how amazing it was – but rather because of who Tommy and Caity are.
In England, the father of the bride, the best man, and the groom all give toasts. One thing I have always loved about Tom is how much he adores Caitlyn. Even from when I first met him, back in the undefined days of their relationship, it seemed apparent that his head and heart were at least a little bit disconnected from whatever his present circumstances were… As I got to know him, I realized it was because he was mentally and emotionally focused on Caitlyn. Before she arrived and I met her, I wondered if this Southern Californian girl was really everything Tom seemed to think she was. It didn’t take long for me to understand exactly why Tommy felt the way he did about her. She’s amazing. And it’s been amazing to see how Tommy has become amazing to win her love.
His speech at the wedding was heartfelt, sincere, and absolute evidence of how aware he is of what God has done in his life to bring him Caitlyn. Caitlyn on the same tone, is so thankful to be married to this man who captured her heart with his service, attentiveness, gentleness, and tenderness. She is beautiful because he finds her so, and because she grows in beauty from his love, he has become a man of character. Like I said, a much-anticipated day… because it makes me think of how God uses such foreshadowing to display what the return of Jesus will be like…
Psalm 111, Psalm 112, Psalm 113
Today was a much-anticipated day for me. Four years ago I started pursuing going to Morocco to do humanitarian work. I was about to start courting a young man with promise and potential, and I wanted to make sure I had the chance to experience living overseas for a time before I committed to settling down and making someone else’s dreams my first priority. Although the relationship didn’t work out, the following summer I spent 11 glorious weeks working and being refined and encouraged and humbled and grown in the heart-capturing lands of Morocco.
While I was there, I met a plethora of wonderful people – many of which I count among my dear friends now – among them, a guy named Tom and a girl named Caitlyn. Tommy was smitten with Caitlyn, and Caitlyn was smitten with Tommy, and after a year of correspondence, they started dating while I was living and working and hanging out with them during MY time in Maroc.
Less than a year later, I visited Tom – who lived in England – during my spring break (because I was living in Rome), and we talked about how he and Caitlyn wanted to get married… but the timing was off, not to mention the cross-Atlantic-ness of their relationship. Then the next year Caitlyn moved to England for 3 months, and they got engaged, and now, 9 months later, they’re finally tying the knot and getting married. Oh what a joyous occasion!
I really enjoy attending weddings where I fully support the marriage and I’m thrilled with how I’ve seen God working in the couple and as a couple to bring honor and glory to His name. I’ve attended many weddings over the years, and Tommy and Caity’s was, perhaps, one of my favorites. Not because I knew everyone there – I didn’t – and not because the dancing was amazing – I didn’t get to stay long enough to find out if there was dancing and how amazing it was – but rather because of who Tommy and Caity are.
In England, the father of the bride, the best man, and the groom all give toasts. One thing I have always loved about Tom is how much he adores Caitlyn. Even from when I first met him, back in the undefined days of their relationship, it seemed apparent that his head and heart were at least a little bit disconnected from whatever his present circumstances were… As I got to know him, I realized it was because he was mentally and emotionally focused on Caitlyn. Before she arrived and I met her, I wondered if this Southern Californian girl was really everything Tom seemed to think she was. It didn’t take long for me to understand exactly why Tommy felt the way he did about her. She’s amazing. And it’s been amazing to see how Tommy has become amazing to win her love.
His speech at the wedding was heartfelt, sincere, and absolute evidence of how aware he is of what God has done in his life to bring him Caitlyn. Caitlyn on the same tone, is so thankful to be married to this man who captured her heart with his service, attentiveness, gentleness, and tenderness. She is beautiful because he finds her so, and because she grows in beauty from his love, he has become a man of character. Like I said, a much-anticipated day… because it makes me think of how God uses such foreshadowing to display what the return of Jesus will be like…
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
032: A speck cubed
March 19, 2010
Psalm 33, Psalm 139
Today’s the last day I plan to focus on resting. Here goes!
I feel like life can shrink so rapidly to be about me, me, me. This is extremely self-focused on my part, and when I stop long enough to realize I’m doing that, I hate it!
Wednesday night at youth group Austin showed a video on the greatness of God. I wish I could grasp that truth better. God is so very vast. He is so large. So BIG. He is GREAT! He breathes stars into being! He spoke and the universe came into being. The UNIVERSE!!! We’re not just talking earth or our solar system or our galaxy – although that is true too – but the whole of all things the exist. That is unfathomable! I’m overwhelmed by the scope and expanse of the earth alone – my mind gets boggled just thinking of the concept of space. The video was showing the relative size of several stars in comparison to our star and Earth – Earth is practically NOTHING in comparison!
Who are we? Humans!? A speck on a speck on a speck of the screen of the cosmic whole. And who am I? One speck on that speck on that speck on that speck… I am absolutely, utterly miniscule, and that’s just during my existence. I’m here and I’m gone and the stars keep burning and their light keeps shining, and the cycles of the Earth continue. My body will decompose and disintegrate and break down into food for worms…
AND YET, I am so wonderfully fashioned by the hands of God. He holds me securely in the palm of His hand. He hold me together: physically, mentally, emotionally, environmentally… Each little Laminin, every one of the millions of proteins in my cells are working under the orchestration of God. He can hear my heart beating. He can hear the blood whooshing through my veins. He can count the cells in my body. He knows the intricate details of my eyes – He planned how the yellow bursts out like a sunrise into the green iris. Every scar on my knees, He helped them heal. Every muscle in my body, He’s watched it be built. He is so, so, SO big, and yet He puts such infinite detail into a tiny, tiny, TINY portion of His creation: me. And He says He loves me.
I’ve been asking all these “why” questions and battling frustration and resentment and bitterness. But that’s not the point. I am not the point. MY LIFE is not the point. HUMANS, my race, are not the point. Jesus is the point. Great. Almighty. Powerful. Go back. Read those words again: Great. Almighty. Powerful. What does it mean to be great? God is the ULTIMATE, off-the-charts great. Powerful? God is full of ALL power. Almighty? Literally, He is All Mighty. Nothing has the might to stand in the way of God.
Thinking about this causes me to feel like I’m shrinking, and that’s really, really a good thing. I’m like a supporting actor that is realizing the show isn’t about me. I can rest in that. It’s a relief. Can you rest in being a speck on a speck on a speck? I think we need to. I think if we’re ever going to rest, that must be part of it.
Psalm 33, Psalm 139
Today’s the last day I plan to focus on resting. Here goes!
I feel like life can shrink so rapidly to be about me, me, me. This is extremely self-focused on my part, and when I stop long enough to realize I’m doing that, I hate it!
Wednesday night at youth group Austin showed a video on the greatness of God. I wish I could grasp that truth better. God is so very vast. He is so large. So BIG. He is GREAT! He breathes stars into being! He spoke and the universe came into being. The UNIVERSE!!! We’re not just talking earth or our solar system or our galaxy – although that is true too – but the whole of all things the exist. That is unfathomable! I’m overwhelmed by the scope and expanse of the earth alone – my mind gets boggled just thinking of the concept of space. The video was showing the relative size of several stars in comparison to our star and Earth – Earth is practically NOTHING in comparison!
Who are we? Humans!? A speck on a speck on a speck of the screen of the cosmic whole. And who am I? One speck on that speck on that speck on that speck… I am absolutely, utterly miniscule, and that’s just during my existence. I’m here and I’m gone and the stars keep burning and their light keeps shining, and the cycles of the Earth continue. My body will decompose and disintegrate and break down into food for worms…
AND YET, I am so wonderfully fashioned by the hands of God. He holds me securely in the palm of His hand. He hold me together: physically, mentally, emotionally, environmentally… Each little Laminin, every one of the millions of proteins in my cells are working under the orchestration of God. He can hear my heart beating. He can hear the blood whooshing through my veins. He can count the cells in my body. He knows the intricate details of my eyes – He planned how the yellow bursts out like a sunrise into the green iris. Every scar on my knees, He helped them heal. Every muscle in my body, He’s watched it be built. He is so, so, SO big, and yet He puts such infinite detail into a tiny, tiny, TINY portion of His creation: me. And He says He loves me.
I’ve been asking all these “why” questions and battling frustration and resentment and bitterness. But that’s not the point. I am not the point. MY LIFE is not the point. HUMANS, my race, are not the point. Jesus is the point. Great. Almighty. Powerful. Go back. Read those words again: Great. Almighty. Powerful. What does it mean to be great? God is the ULTIMATE, off-the-charts great. Powerful? God is full of ALL power. Almighty? Literally, He is All Mighty. Nothing has the might to stand in the way of God.
Thinking about this causes me to feel like I’m shrinking, and that’s really, really a good thing. I’m like a supporting actor that is realizing the show isn’t about me. I can rest in that. It’s a relief. Can you rest in being a speck on a speck on a speck? I think we need to. I think if we’re ever going to rest, that must be part of it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
031: Ascending to Rest
March 18, 2010
Psalm 120, 121, 123,125, 126, 127, 128, 130
Today I spent 12 hours in my car, driving from my home in Washington State to Sacramento, California. I am an extrovert, but there are times when I value time alone. I am heading to a wedding in LA, and part of why I’m doing it is because I want to spend some time in isolation.
It was a beautiful day today and I thoroughly enjoyed the drive with my car, Poppy. The last time I drove this route was in the middle of winter a couple years ago. Being able to see the sun throughout the ride and watch the coming of spring – the little lambs and blossoming fruit trees – was like refreshment to my spirit.
One of my favorite parts of the drive was winding through the mountains of Southern Oregon and Northern California. I love the ascension process of driving through a mountain pass. This trip was cool because I started out in the Willamette valley, drove the length of it, and moved upward into the foothills and finally into the pass. When Mount Shasta appeared around a bend – with the sun shining brilliantly and the blue sky providing a vivid contrast to the white snow – it was breathtaking.
The chapter readings from Psalms today were all songs that the people of Israel would sing as they climbed up to the city of Jerusalem. I love the image of music whilst climbing – my iPod was cranked for most of the trip up the mountain – but more so, I love the idea of how the songs reflect the faithfulness, power, holiness, and trustworthiness of God. Somehow, for me, mountains tend to communicate those truths.
When I feel like I’m being overwhelmed by stress of chaos or frustration or responsibilities, my first instinct is usually to get high (and by that I do NOT mean through the method of smoking!). Physically, I want to ascend to a high place. It's like an urge in my soul that trickles down to my feet - I find myself gazing enamored at the hills in the distance. I think this reason is twofold – not only do I want to symbolically step away from whatever is overwhelming about my situation, I also love how climbing up makes me feel closer to God. I know that is a ridiculous idea – God is SO vast and huge and powerful, I don’t have to climb anywhere to get to Him. Corrie ten Boom even said, “There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still,” which is a relief when I start to feel like I’m drowning in the crap of life… but I still like the feeling up having nothing between me and God but the translucence of the air.
I feel like I need to be close to God when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I’m hurt, when I’m stressed, and pretty much any other overwhelming or strong emotion. I don't know exactly how to handle such emotions on my own - I feel like I need to share them with someone. Since the only constant listening ear in my life is Jesus, I like to take them to Him. The mountains and the ideas they evoke about entering God’s presence help me get perspective on my life. I like that about heights. You can see the world spread out around you, and you can step away from the immediacy of your life.
Do you need to find a mountain to drive up or a hill to climb? Do you need some isolation time? Maybe you should take a road trip… After all, road trips seem to just be good for the soul – they seem to help jumpstart the essence of resting in God.
Psalm 120, 121, 123,125, 126, 127, 128, 130
Today I spent 12 hours in my car, driving from my home in Washington State to Sacramento, California. I am an extrovert, but there are times when I value time alone. I am heading to a wedding in LA, and part of why I’m doing it is because I want to spend some time in isolation.
It was a beautiful day today and I thoroughly enjoyed the drive with my car, Poppy. The last time I drove this route was in the middle of winter a couple years ago. Being able to see the sun throughout the ride and watch the coming of spring – the little lambs and blossoming fruit trees – was like refreshment to my spirit.
One of my favorite parts of the drive was winding through the mountains of Southern Oregon and Northern California. I love the ascension process of driving through a mountain pass. This trip was cool because I started out in the Willamette valley, drove the length of it, and moved upward into the foothills and finally into the pass. When Mount Shasta appeared around a bend – with the sun shining brilliantly and the blue sky providing a vivid contrast to the white snow – it was breathtaking.
The chapter readings from Psalms today were all songs that the people of Israel would sing as they climbed up to the city of Jerusalem. I love the image of music whilst climbing – my iPod was cranked for most of the trip up the mountain – but more so, I love the idea of how the songs reflect the faithfulness, power, holiness, and trustworthiness of God. Somehow, for me, mountains tend to communicate those truths.
When I feel like I’m being overwhelmed by stress of chaos or frustration or responsibilities, my first instinct is usually to get high (and by that I do NOT mean through the method of smoking!). Physically, I want to ascend to a high place. It's like an urge in my soul that trickles down to my feet - I find myself gazing enamored at the hills in the distance. I think this reason is twofold – not only do I want to symbolically step away from whatever is overwhelming about my situation, I also love how climbing up makes me feel closer to God. I know that is a ridiculous idea – God is SO vast and huge and powerful, I don’t have to climb anywhere to get to Him. Corrie ten Boom even said, “There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still,” which is a relief when I start to feel like I’m drowning in the crap of life… but I still like the feeling up having nothing between me and God but the translucence of the air.
I feel like I need to be close to God when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I’m hurt, when I’m stressed, and pretty much any other overwhelming or strong emotion. I don't know exactly how to handle such emotions on my own - I feel like I need to share them with someone. Since the only constant listening ear in my life is Jesus, I like to take them to Him. The mountains and the ideas they evoke about entering God’s presence help me get perspective on my life. I like that about heights. You can see the world spread out around you, and you can step away from the immediacy of your life.
Do you need to find a mountain to drive up or a hill to climb? Do you need some isolation time? Maybe you should take a road trip… After all, road trips seem to just be good for the soul – they seem to help jumpstart the essence of resting in God.
030: My Mom
March 17, 2010
1 Samuel 1-2
Today is my Mom’s birthday. She never had to wear green on St. Patrick’s day while we kids were growing up, because she said she was exempt from the risk of being pinched. I think she made that rule up…
Something she did not make up, however, was her genuine love for my family. My Mom is a great mom. She chose to stay home and put her time and energy and talent into helping my Dad run the family business and homeschooling their children. On top of organizing and planning our education, keeping the books for the farm, fielding phone calls at all hours of the day and night for the business, she also made it a priority to have home cooked meals every evening and a consistent expectation of family participation in the nightly feeding. When I started school at the community college at the age of 16, Mom would pack my lunch every day and have it ready for when I was walking out the door (yes, I know, that’s being a bit spoiled… I claim it’s because she never had the chance to do it during all our early elementary years…).
Mom prioritized our attendance at church – of course, my Dad was a huge part of this, but it was Mom you had to convince if you wanted to beg out sick. Mom also made scripture memory a part of our education, and modeled opening the Bible and reading it to apply it to our lives.
When Mom says she’ll do something, she can be counted on to do it – whether that is dropping off library books, or picking you up from soccer practice. Sometimes she runs late, because she has so much on her plate that it’s hard for her to keep up with everything in a timely manner, and because whenever she sees someone she knows, she makes a point of talking to them and catching up. That used to annoy me when I was little: standing by the fence after soccer practice, waiting for what seemed like FOREVER for Mom to come… but now I find myself doing the same thing. I hug people in the grocery store, I wave people down in the parking lot, and I visit with the librarian or the sales clerk at the shoe store.
Hannah clearly loved her son, Samuel, but she was a great mother, because she gave him up for the Lord. I can’t imagine going through that – waiting and praying and hoping for a child, finally receiving a miracle, and then being willing to leave him behind in a strange city with an old, fat priest. My Mom hasn’t been quite in the same sandals as Hannah, but she has had to give up a lot where her kids are concerned. Each of her older daughters have chosen to pursue college education a long, long way away from home. I know it was – and is – hard for her to let us go and hand us over to the Lord, but she’s done it. She’s passed the truest test of motherhood, I think, which is to selflessly pour into your child and then let that go.
I don’t know if I will ever be a Mom, but I hope that if I do, the Lord gives me the strength and courage to live up to the admirable characteristics of motherhood I’ve seen all my life – not only in the Bible, but also in my own Mother. Happy birthday, Mom!
1 Samuel 1-2
Today is my Mom’s birthday. She never had to wear green on St. Patrick’s day while we kids were growing up, because she said she was exempt from the risk of being pinched. I think she made that rule up…
Something she did not make up, however, was her genuine love for my family. My Mom is a great mom. She chose to stay home and put her time and energy and talent into helping my Dad run the family business and homeschooling their children. On top of organizing and planning our education, keeping the books for the farm, fielding phone calls at all hours of the day and night for the business, she also made it a priority to have home cooked meals every evening and a consistent expectation of family participation in the nightly feeding. When I started school at the community college at the age of 16, Mom would pack my lunch every day and have it ready for when I was walking out the door (yes, I know, that’s being a bit spoiled… I claim it’s because she never had the chance to do it during all our early elementary years…).
Mom prioritized our attendance at church – of course, my Dad was a huge part of this, but it was Mom you had to convince if you wanted to beg out sick. Mom also made scripture memory a part of our education, and modeled opening the Bible and reading it to apply it to our lives.
When Mom says she’ll do something, she can be counted on to do it – whether that is dropping off library books, or picking you up from soccer practice. Sometimes she runs late, because she has so much on her plate that it’s hard for her to keep up with everything in a timely manner, and because whenever she sees someone she knows, she makes a point of talking to them and catching up. That used to annoy me when I was little: standing by the fence after soccer practice, waiting for what seemed like FOREVER for Mom to come… but now I find myself doing the same thing. I hug people in the grocery store, I wave people down in the parking lot, and I visit with the librarian or the sales clerk at the shoe store.
Hannah clearly loved her son, Samuel, but she was a great mother, because she gave him up for the Lord. I can’t imagine going through that – waiting and praying and hoping for a child, finally receiving a miracle, and then being willing to leave him behind in a strange city with an old, fat priest. My Mom hasn’t been quite in the same sandals as Hannah, but she has had to give up a lot where her kids are concerned. Each of her older daughters have chosen to pursue college education a long, long way away from home. I know it was – and is – hard for her to let us go and hand us over to the Lord, but she’s done it. She’s passed the truest test of motherhood, I think, which is to selflessly pour into your child and then let that go.
I don’t know if I will ever be a Mom, but I hope that if I do, the Lord gives me the strength and courage to live up to the admirable characteristics of motherhood I’ve seen all my life – not only in the Bible, but also in my own Mother. Happy birthday, Mom!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
029: Rest in Suffering
March 16, 2010
1 Peter 4-5
Suffering is not usually what we think of as being on the top of our list of things to desire in life. Nor is “suffering” usually synonymous with “rest.” But I don’t think it has to be that way. I assert that there are times when suffering CAN be the restful thing… And yes, that might be a little twisted and weird, but hang in here with me!
Peter focuses a lot on suffering of Christ. I think it’s quite simple: if we are avoiding suffering for Christ, then I doubt we’re truly at rest, because we are SUPPOSED to suffer for Christ if we are truly Christians. If you are not a Christian, regardless of whether you’re suffering or not, you’re probably not deep down, on a soul level, at rest. If you ARE a Christian, and are evading suffering for Christ, you’re also probably not at rest. Thus, by process of elimination, if you are suffering and it is for Christ, even though it is suffering, you are probably at rest. Somewhere. Deep down in that soul.
The trouble seems to come if we aren’t sure whether we’re suffering for Christ or not. It seems fairly cut and dry, doesn’t it? But then again, it’s not. I’ve been experiencing what I would chalk up as a sort of emotional suffering – something akin to grief – and I’m really not sure it’s for the cause of Christ or not. Life tends to get a bit messy and complicate at times. Is grief over someone’s death suffering? And if so, is it suffering for Jesus?
But then Peter takes the shift off the CAUSE of the suffering and focuses on the HOW of the suffering. He claims that we need to suffer in a way that pleases God, because that is honoring to God. And then he assures his readers that God will never fail us. I think keeping that in mind IS the proper manner of suffering: if we can live in the light and reality of God going to the extent of allowing Jesus to die, it’s pretty obvious that God is not going to let us down. Once we get that through our brains, our suffering suddenly either has purpose, or at least has a redeemable quality – namely, that we can suffer with hope.
Rest is important, but rest is also not a reality all the time. There are seasons of suffering and grief. I’m striving to have a restful spirit even as a walk through valleys of suffering, grief, and disappointment.
Oh Lord, let me rest in the knowledge of who You are and what You have done for me.
1 Peter 4-5
Suffering is not usually what we think of as being on the top of our list of things to desire in life. Nor is “suffering” usually synonymous with “rest.” But I don’t think it has to be that way. I assert that there are times when suffering CAN be the restful thing… And yes, that might be a little twisted and weird, but hang in here with me!
Peter focuses a lot on suffering of Christ. I think it’s quite simple: if we are avoiding suffering for Christ, then I doubt we’re truly at rest, because we are SUPPOSED to suffer for Christ if we are truly Christians. If you are not a Christian, regardless of whether you’re suffering or not, you’re probably not deep down, on a soul level, at rest. If you ARE a Christian, and are evading suffering for Christ, you’re also probably not at rest. Thus, by process of elimination, if you are suffering and it is for Christ, even though it is suffering, you are probably at rest. Somewhere. Deep down in that soul.
The trouble seems to come if we aren’t sure whether we’re suffering for Christ or not. It seems fairly cut and dry, doesn’t it? But then again, it’s not. I’ve been experiencing what I would chalk up as a sort of emotional suffering – something akin to grief – and I’m really not sure it’s for the cause of Christ or not. Life tends to get a bit messy and complicate at times. Is grief over someone’s death suffering? And if so, is it suffering for Jesus?
But then Peter takes the shift off the CAUSE of the suffering and focuses on the HOW of the suffering. He claims that we need to suffer in a way that pleases God, because that is honoring to God. And then he assures his readers that God will never fail us. I think keeping that in mind IS the proper manner of suffering: if we can live in the light and reality of God going to the extent of allowing Jesus to die, it’s pretty obvious that God is not going to let us down. Once we get that through our brains, our suffering suddenly either has purpose, or at least has a redeemable quality – namely, that we can suffer with hope.
Rest is important, but rest is also not a reality all the time. There are seasons of suffering and grief. I’m striving to have a restful spirit even as a walk through valleys of suffering, grief, and disappointment.
Oh Lord, let me rest in the knowledge of who You are and what You have done for me.
Monday, March 15, 2010
028: Answers
March 15, 2010
1 Peter 1-3
After the revelations I had yesterday that I blogged about, I have experienced a pretty sweet time of fellowship with Jesus today. It’s amazing to me that God will do that. When I come with a repentant heart, scribbling out my heart confession and submission to Him in my handy-dandy journal my friend Kayla gave me, He is SO GOOD about welcoming me back into His arms. I love, love, LOVE the image of a daddy scooping his disobedient, stubborn, willful child into his arms after the child has been reprimanded for doing something naughty, and feels sorrow over their actions. My Father does that far more often than I ever deserve. And I come as a disobedient, stubborn, willful, repentant child far less often than I should…
For me, this pursuit of an idea of what it means to “rest” and how to be more “restful” is going to take some round-about movement. I hope you’re up for the challenge.
I started this little mini-journey out yesterday by pointing out what I think the issue is of why I’m not resting, namely, not trusting God. I’m trying to backtrack and sort through why I think He’s not trustworthy… or perhaps more importantly, why I think I’m justified in not trusting Him.
I’m not quite sure why, but that lead me to the issue that almost every woman I’ve ever met has struggled with to some degree, which is the issue of value: Am I valuable? And out of that question stem the questions: Do you love me? Do you desire me?
If you’re a woman reading this, I’m betting that you can relate. If you’re a guy, you probably think I’m crazy, but I’m telling you, these are deep, deep, DEEP, and potentially heart-breaking issues. Just assume the women in your life struggle with them!
I’m sick of feeling like those questions are being answered negatively: “No, you are not valuable unless you can produce something or provide something for the family/friends/social group/classroom. No, you are not loved – you’re liked, but only when it’s convenient. No, you are not desired on any sort of permanent basis.” And the reason I’m sick of it is because I know it’s not true. I just needed to find the proof for myself, because when my focus gets on what I think I am entitled to (ie: an explanation from God of WHY), I completely forget ALL that God has done to answer those questions to the affirmative.
So this was my list from today:
God protects me (and thus, I must be valuable): 1 Peter 1:5
My faith is precious (and “precious” means “of value”): 1 Peter 1:7
God paid a ransom for me (meaning, there was an investment for my benefit): 1 Peter 1:18-20
I am “chosen” and “royal”: 1 Peter 2:9-10
Jesus guards my soul (valuable again): 1 Peter 2:25
Christ suffered and DIED for ME (the ultimate cost and offering of Love): 1 Peter 3:18
How about you? What questions haunt your soul? Who are you looking to to answer them? Who should you be seeking answers from, and where will you find them?
1 Peter 1-3
After the revelations I had yesterday that I blogged about, I have experienced a pretty sweet time of fellowship with Jesus today. It’s amazing to me that God will do that. When I come with a repentant heart, scribbling out my heart confession and submission to Him in my handy-dandy journal my friend Kayla gave me, He is SO GOOD about welcoming me back into His arms. I love, love, LOVE the image of a daddy scooping his disobedient, stubborn, willful child into his arms after the child has been reprimanded for doing something naughty, and feels sorrow over their actions. My Father does that far more often than I ever deserve. And I come as a disobedient, stubborn, willful, repentant child far less often than I should…
For me, this pursuit of an idea of what it means to “rest” and how to be more “restful” is going to take some round-about movement. I hope you’re up for the challenge.
I started this little mini-journey out yesterday by pointing out what I think the issue is of why I’m not resting, namely, not trusting God. I’m trying to backtrack and sort through why I think He’s not trustworthy… or perhaps more importantly, why I think I’m justified in not trusting Him.
I’m not quite sure why, but that lead me to the issue that almost every woman I’ve ever met has struggled with to some degree, which is the issue of value: Am I valuable? And out of that question stem the questions: Do you love me? Do you desire me?
If you’re a woman reading this, I’m betting that you can relate. If you’re a guy, you probably think I’m crazy, but I’m telling you, these are deep, deep, DEEP, and potentially heart-breaking issues. Just assume the women in your life struggle with them!
I’m sick of feeling like those questions are being answered negatively: “No, you are not valuable unless you can produce something or provide something for the family/friends/social group/classroom. No, you are not loved – you’re liked, but only when it’s convenient. No, you are not desired on any sort of permanent basis.” And the reason I’m sick of it is because I know it’s not true. I just needed to find the proof for myself, because when my focus gets on what I think I am entitled to (ie: an explanation from God of WHY), I completely forget ALL that God has done to answer those questions to the affirmative.
So this was my list from today:
God protects me (and thus, I must be valuable): 1 Peter 1:5
My faith is precious (and “precious” means “of value”): 1 Peter 1:7
God paid a ransom for me (meaning, there was an investment for my benefit): 1 Peter 1:18-20
I am “chosen” and “royal”: 1 Peter 2:9-10
Jesus guards my soul (valuable again): 1 Peter 2:25
Christ suffered and DIED for ME (the ultimate cost and offering of Love): 1 Peter 3:18
How about you? What questions haunt your soul? Who are you looking to to answer them? Who should you be seeking answers from, and where will you find them?
027: The beginning of Wisdom
March 14, 2010
Psalm 116, Proverbs 1-4
Wisdom. I’m reading a book titled, Decision Making and the Will of God, and the authors lay out a theory of decision making that relies heavily on wisdom. I guess that makes a lot of sense! I used to be obsessed with the book of Proverbs. At my home church, back in the day when we had enough middle school students to merit having a middle school age Sunday School, our pastor would meet with the pre and early teens to go through the book of Proverbs. It took about 3 years for him to make it through the book, which was about how long the students would stay in his classroom. I always figured if I could store up on wisdom early on in life, I’d save myself a lot of stupid decisions and bad consequences later on.
I suppose it’s worked, to some degree, but I’ve learned in the decade since I sat in the parsonage living room with Pastor Evert that wisdom must be continually applied to life in order to be beneficial. It isn’t enough to just have it as head knowledge and expect it’ll be useful, the knowledge also MUST be refitted to each moment and each decision in life. Otherwise it’s just facts and figures that have no bearing on being common sense.
I wrote yesterday about spending the next couple of days looking at rest in the Bible. I started my search in Psalms and Proverbs. Many of the passages I could remember seemed to be drawn from those books.
Here’s what I discovered today as I was attentively reading through the first couple chapters of Proverbs: rest begins with wisdom. Wisdom starts with fearing God and comes from God.
I confessed to Uncle Greg last night that I have been questioning the goodness of God. I’ve been asking a plethora of “why” questions in my heart. It’s putting me in a place of distance from God, because I’m being proud; I’m putting myself in a higher place than I have any right to be. I want God to explain to me why He’s doing what He’s doing, and why my life is unfolding the way it is, and what He’s planning to do next.
Uncle Greg told me straight up, “You have no right to be asking God those questions.” He’s right. God has communicated to me again and again and again – through the Bible and through my own life and through the lives of people I’ve heard about and know –that He IS a good God and that He IS trustworthy. Once again, like Eve, I’m committing the original sin: I’m questioning God’s word, assuming He’s been holding something out on me, and that I deserve more than what He’s giving me.
Perhaps the reason I’ve found rest so difficult the last couple months is because this has been an ongoing sin in my life. In my arrogance, I pridefully fail to see how I’m similar to sinners who have sinned before me.
I do want to be wise. Proverbs claims wisdom is greater than any kind of riches. In order to continue down a path of wisdom, though, I know I need to change my attitude and allow Jesus to change my heart so I can see my own depravity and come to a place of fearing God.
Psalm 116, Proverbs 1-4
Wisdom. I’m reading a book titled, Decision Making and the Will of God, and the authors lay out a theory of decision making that relies heavily on wisdom. I guess that makes a lot of sense! I used to be obsessed with the book of Proverbs. At my home church, back in the day when we had enough middle school students to merit having a middle school age Sunday School, our pastor would meet with the pre and early teens to go through the book of Proverbs. It took about 3 years for him to make it through the book, which was about how long the students would stay in his classroom. I always figured if I could store up on wisdom early on in life, I’d save myself a lot of stupid decisions and bad consequences later on.
I suppose it’s worked, to some degree, but I’ve learned in the decade since I sat in the parsonage living room with Pastor Evert that wisdom must be continually applied to life in order to be beneficial. It isn’t enough to just have it as head knowledge and expect it’ll be useful, the knowledge also MUST be refitted to each moment and each decision in life. Otherwise it’s just facts and figures that have no bearing on being common sense.
I wrote yesterday about spending the next couple of days looking at rest in the Bible. I started my search in Psalms and Proverbs. Many of the passages I could remember seemed to be drawn from those books.
Here’s what I discovered today as I was attentively reading through the first couple chapters of Proverbs: rest begins with wisdom. Wisdom starts with fearing God and comes from God.
I confessed to Uncle Greg last night that I have been questioning the goodness of God. I’ve been asking a plethora of “why” questions in my heart. It’s putting me in a place of distance from God, because I’m being proud; I’m putting myself in a higher place than I have any right to be. I want God to explain to me why He’s doing what He’s doing, and why my life is unfolding the way it is, and what He’s planning to do next.
Uncle Greg told me straight up, “You have no right to be asking God those questions.” He’s right. God has communicated to me again and again and again – through the Bible and through my own life and through the lives of people I’ve heard about and know –that He IS a good God and that He IS trustworthy. Once again, like Eve, I’m committing the original sin: I’m questioning God’s word, assuming He’s been holding something out on me, and that I deserve more than what He’s giving me.
Perhaps the reason I’ve found rest so difficult the last couple months is because this has been an ongoing sin in my life. In my arrogance, I pridefully fail to see how I’m similar to sinners who have sinned before me.
I do want to be wise. Proverbs claims wisdom is greater than any kind of riches. In order to continue down a path of wisdom, though, I know I need to change my attitude and allow Jesus to change my heart so I can see my own depravity and come to a place of fearing God.
026: Forced Rest
March 13, 2010
Psalm 23, Psalm 91
I’m sitting in bed, under a pile of blankets, in my favorite sweatshirt and pair of sweats. I’m sick. As a person who rarely gets sick, I do not like this. It’s just plain annoying to have your body betray you in this manner: the snot factory jumps into overdrive, your tear ducts suddenly become hyper efficient, and every joint and muscle in your body protest the slightest of movements. This state of being is not very fun at all.
I looked up the word “rest” on dictionary.com a few moments ago. It says, “Rest: 1 – the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep; 2 – refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor; 3 – relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs; 4 – a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquility; 5 – mental or spiritual calm; tranquility; 6 – cessation or absence of motion.”
Because I’m a nerd, I also looked “rest” up on thesaurus.com. These were my favorites: “break, breather, calm, comfort, downtime, halt, hush, interlude, intermission, lull, pause, peace, quiet, recreation, refreshment, relief, silence, stay, stillness, stop, tranquility.”
I’m not very good at resting. I can be lazy, on occasion, but it’s not my favorite, and I’m really not sure it’s the same as “rest.” I try to strike a balance of sorts of taking naps and/or sleeping in on the weekends when my nightly sleep gets minimized, but that probably isn’t really cutting it for me. The last 10 weeks – Winter Quarter on my teaching schedule – have been pretty much insane. My alarm goes off at 5:30AM, I’m out the door by 6:30 or 6:45AM, and I usually don’t walk through my front door until 10PM, if not later. I have breaks during the day, but I usually cram coffee dates into that time, or grade papers, or occasionally go for a run… And even when I do take a nap in my car, my brain has a hard time slowing down.
I think my body might be sending me a not-so-subtle message that I need to rest. I need to find refreshment and relief from not only a demanding schedule, but also the mental exertions of letting my brain go into hyperanalytical mode. It frequently does that, and I rarely do anything to stop it. Sometimes it’ll take me two hours at night to get my mind to slow down enough to actually sleep, and I regularly wake up multiple times during the night from bazaar, over-stimulating dreams.
At a wedding reception tonight I talked to my friend, Uncle Greg, and he asked me if I was “resting in the Lord.” I was honest and told him, “No, I’m really not.” I don’t know what that means, exactly, on a heart, applied-to-me level. I can think through what it must mean, and imagine what it would be like, but I know that part of the reason I’m so exhausted (and thus my body is rebelling against the status quo) is because I don’t rest. Not properly, not in a soul way.
I need to learn how to do that. I’ll probably spend the next couple days looking and thinking about what the Bible has to say about resting, and how I can start applying that to me. How are you at resting? Do you need to be better at it?
Psalm 23, Psalm 91
I’m sitting in bed, under a pile of blankets, in my favorite sweatshirt and pair of sweats. I’m sick. As a person who rarely gets sick, I do not like this. It’s just plain annoying to have your body betray you in this manner: the snot factory jumps into overdrive, your tear ducts suddenly become hyper efficient, and every joint and muscle in your body protest the slightest of movements. This state of being is not very fun at all.
I looked up the word “rest” on dictionary.com a few moments ago. It says, “Rest: 1 – the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep; 2 – refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor; 3 – relief or freedom, esp. from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs; 4 – a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquility; 5 – mental or spiritual calm; tranquility; 6 – cessation or absence of motion.”
Because I’m a nerd, I also looked “rest” up on thesaurus.com. These were my favorites: “break, breather, calm, comfort, downtime, halt, hush, interlude, intermission, lull, pause, peace, quiet, recreation, refreshment, relief, silence, stay, stillness, stop, tranquility.”
I’m not very good at resting. I can be lazy, on occasion, but it’s not my favorite, and I’m really not sure it’s the same as “rest.” I try to strike a balance of sorts of taking naps and/or sleeping in on the weekends when my nightly sleep gets minimized, but that probably isn’t really cutting it for me. The last 10 weeks – Winter Quarter on my teaching schedule – have been pretty much insane. My alarm goes off at 5:30AM, I’m out the door by 6:30 or 6:45AM, and I usually don’t walk through my front door until 10PM, if not later. I have breaks during the day, but I usually cram coffee dates into that time, or grade papers, or occasionally go for a run… And even when I do take a nap in my car, my brain has a hard time slowing down.
I think my body might be sending me a not-so-subtle message that I need to rest. I need to find refreshment and relief from not only a demanding schedule, but also the mental exertions of letting my brain go into hyperanalytical mode. It frequently does that, and I rarely do anything to stop it. Sometimes it’ll take me two hours at night to get my mind to slow down enough to actually sleep, and I regularly wake up multiple times during the night from bazaar, over-stimulating dreams.
At a wedding reception tonight I talked to my friend, Uncle Greg, and he asked me if I was “resting in the Lord.” I was honest and told him, “No, I’m really not.” I don’t know what that means, exactly, on a heart, applied-to-me level. I can think through what it must mean, and imagine what it would be like, but I know that part of the reason I’m so exhausted (and thus my body is rebelling against the status quo) is because I don’t rest. Not properly, not in a soul way.
I need to learn how to do that. I’ll probably spend the next couple days looking and thinking about what the Bible has to say about resting, and how I can start applying that to me. How are you at resting? Do you need to be better at it?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
025: Purposeful-ness
March 12, 2010
1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Romans 3
My sister and her fiancé are visiting my parents and siblings this weekend. One of my younger sisters is home from Florida on Spring break. Tonight I got home as everyone was sitting down to dinner. After dinner, my sister and Andrew wanted to play a game with my youngest two siblings, since they had promised to get some game time in.
One of the longstanding games in our family is a card game we call “Up and Down.” In involves an agonizingly slow process of taking turns and trying to avoid getting stuck with the cards being played each round. It’s not my favorite game. Once upon a time, for my 12th birthday, I talked my parents into taking our family to Seattle on the train and staying in a hotel over night so we could go to the Seattle Science Center. We played “Up and Down” the whole 3 hour train ride to Seattle, that evening in the hotel room, and all the way back. I’ve never liked the game since.
I prefer fast games. I’m a big fan of Nertz and Crazy Scrabble and Catch Phrase and Taboo and Speed. I like games where I’m directly involved, or have to wait just a minimum amount of time before I can engage again. My Dad is the opposite. He likes Risk and Axis and Allies and games that require strategy and thinking.
I told my Dad tonight, “You think I’m crazy for wanting to run a marathon or going out for a long, multi-hour run? I think you’re crazy for thinking playing the same boring game for 2+ hours is entertaining and fun.”
I was thinking about how our game personalities are different, and how maybe that’s an indication of what our life stories will be like. My Dad bought a farm almost 30 years ago, married my Mom, and has been working on strategizing and planning and thinking through their business ever since. I transferred four times between three different schools to get my bachelor’s degree.
Will I be a person that is always jumping from one amusing, entertaining, rapid situation to another? Do I have it in me to take the one thing I seem to have some longevity in (running) and transfer that dedication and patience toward life? Toward a career? A family? A church? My parents are stable sorts of people. I wonder if I am? I tend to think I’m not.
My uncle and I had a conversation today, and he said something that made a lot of sense. He said, “You can either have freedom, or you can have stuff. You can’t have both.” If I want to aim for a nice house, a sunroom with all kinds of organic veggies and fruits, and developing a sustainable lifestyle, I’m not going to have freedom to run off to Southern California for a wedding over a weekend.
Paul talks about being purposeful in our lives. God is faithful regardless of what we do, but He invites us into a relationship with Him. We should take that seriously and purposefully. If it was impossible to do that – even for someone with my personality – then why would it be important?
1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Romans 3
My sister and her fiancé are visiting my parents and siblings this weekend. One of my younger sisters is home from Florida on Spring break. Tonight I got home as everyone was sitting down to dinner. After dinner, my sister and Andrew wanted to play a game with my youngest two siblings, since they had promised to get some game time in.
One of the longstanding games in our family is a card game we call “Up and Down.” In involves an agonizingly slow process of taking turns and trying to avoid getting stuck with the cards being played each round. It’s not my favorite game. Once upon a time, for my 12th birthday, I talked my parents into taking our family to Seattle on the train and staying in a hotel over night so we could go to the Seattle Science Center. We played “Up and Down” the whole 3 hour train ride to Seattle, that evening in the hotel room, and all the way back. I’ve never liked the game since.
I prefer fast games. I’m a big fan of Nertz and Crazy Scrabble and Catch Phrase and Taboo and Speed. I like games where I’m directly involved, or have to wait just a minimum amount of time before I can engage again. My Dad is the opposite. He likes Risk and Axis and Allies and games that require strategy and thinking.
I told my Dad tonight, “You think I’m crazy for wanting to run a marathon or going out for a long, multi-hour run? I think you’re crazy for thinking playing the same boring game for 2+ hours is entertaining and fun.”
I was thinking about how our game personalities are different, and how maybe that’s an indication of what our life stories will be like. My Dad bought a farm almost 30 years ago, married my Mom, and has been working on strategizing and planning and thinking through their business ever since. I transferred four times between three different schools to get my bachelor’s degree.
Will I be a person that is always jumping from one amusing, entertaining, rapid situation to another? Do I have it in me to take the one thing I seem to have some longevity in (running) and transfer that dedication and patience toward life? Toward a career? A family? A church? My parents are stable sorts of people. I wonder if I am? I tend to think I’m not.
My uncle and I had a conversation today, and he said something that made a lot of sense. He said, “You can either have freedom, or you can have stuff. You can’t have both.” If I want to aim for a nice house, a sunroom with all kinds of organic veggies and fruits, and developing a sustainable lifestyle, I’m not going to have freedom to run off to Southern California for a wedding over a weekend.
Paul talks about being purposeful in our lives. God is faithful regardless of what we do, but He invites us into a relationship with Him. We should take that seriously and purposefully. If it was impossible to do that – even for someone with my personality – then why would it be important?
024: Comparing
March 11, 2010
1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1, 12:1-31
One of my good friends from high school married an awesome gal named Amber. My friend, Austin, and Amber now pastor a gang of middle school students along with heading up a college ministry. I volunteered to help with the middle schoolers last fall, and somehow from that development I’ve become close to Amber. Once a week or so we meet up for coffee at one of the numerous coffee shops in town and chat about life and family and God and relationships and work and drama and the size of their unborn child (he/she is the length of an avocado this week!).
Today we were talking about my relationship with a friend. I was explaining to Amber that I feel like this friend often compares me to other people – so and so is a better teacher, someone else is more lively and fun to have at social gatherings, another person is more genuinely sweet, etc. I know it’s weird, but for awhile I appreciated the honesty my friend would give me in making these comparisons, because it helped me see my weaknesses and areas of potential growth as a person. However, because this friend has been close to me, they know a LOT about me, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I’m tired of feeling like I never measure up to what I feel like they expect me to be.
If I’m honest, though, I know that I am completely capable of doing the same thing. I have another friend that I’ve known for awhile, and I feel like my friend is perpetually stuck at a maturity level somewhere in the past. My friend has never really developed much of a sense of themself, instead, they kind of continually conform to the environment they are in. I get irritated by it, because I long for so much more growth and development, and then I’m forced to see the reality of what is in front of me, which is not what I would most desire for this friend.
As I was pondering this comparison issue I seem to have (both with being compared and doing the comparing) I was reminded of Paul’s words to the Corinthian church (OK, actually, Amber reminded me of them, and pointed out how damaging it can be to compare). He makes it clear that everyone has their own giftings and is who they are because that is how God wanted it to be. And, of course, the reason He wants it to be that way is because He has a purpose for each of us.
Who am I to compare myself to other people? Who am I to compare people to each other? Who are we, as a church, to find fault with who someone is? Granted, honesty and encouragement in growth is important – but I think the emphasis needs to be on the encouragement. Rather than having someone walk away from an honest discussion of faults feeling discouraged and inferior, they should be encouraged in who they are and prayerful about how God would desire them to further develop.
Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I like that. I want people to feel like they were encouraged in their personal spiritual and interpersonal development when they walk away from interacting with me.
1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1, 12:1-31
One of my good friends from high school married an awesome gal named Amber. My friend, Austin, and Amber now pastor a gang of middle school students along with heading up a college ministry. I volunteered to help with the middle schoolers last fall, and somehow from that development I’ve become close to Amber. Once a week or so we meet up for coffee at one of the numerous coffee shops in town and chat about life and family and God and relationships and work and drama and the size of their unborn child (he/she is the length of an avocado this week!).
Today we were talking about my relationship with a friend. I was explaining to Amber that I feel like this friend often compares me to other people – so and so is a better teacher, someone else is more lively and fun to have at social gatherings, another person is more genuinely sweet, etc. I know it’s weird, but for awhile I appreciated the honesty my friend would give me in making these comparisons, because it helped me see my weaknesses and areas of potential growth as a person. However, because this friend has been close to me, they know a LOT about me, which puts me in a very vulnerable position. I’m tired of feeling like I never measure up to what I feel like they expect me to be.
If I’m honest, though, I know that I am completely capable of doing the same thing. I have another friend that I’ve known for awhile, and I feel like my friend is perpetually stuck at a maturity level somewhere in the past. My friend has never really developed much of a sense of themself, instead, they kind of continually conform to the environment they are in. I get irritated by it, because I long for so much more growth and development, and then I’m forced to see the reality of what is in front of me, which is not what I would most desire for this friend.
As I was pondering this comparison issue I seem to have (both with being compared and doing the comparing) I was reminded of Paul’s words to the Corinthian church (OK, actually, Amber reminded me of them, and pointed out how damaging it can be to compare). He makes it clear that everyone has their own giftings and is who they are because that is how God wanted it to be. And, of course, the reason He wants it to be that way is because He has a purpose for each of us.
Who am I to compare myself to other people? Who am I to compare people to each other? Who are we, as a church, to find fault with who someone is? Granted, honesty and encouragement in growth is important – but I think the emphasis needs to be on the encouragement. Rather than having someone walk away from an honest discussion of faults feeling discouraged and inferior, they should be encouraged in who they are and prayerful about how God would desire them to further develop.
Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I like that. I want people to feel like they were encouraged in their personal spiritual and interpersonal development when they walk away from interacting with me.
023: Esperer
March 10, 2010
Revelation 21:1-22:7
Esperer. Does anyone speak or read or know French? It’s the infinitive form of the verbs “to hope” and “to wait.” I’m going to get it tattooed onto my side.
When I lived in Rome I had a cool couple come through and stay with me. They slept on my couch by night and kept my roommates and I company by day. The gal, Joy, speaks French. We were talking about words and she mentioned “esperer” and gave the definition. I thought it was incredibly cool that the French language has developed in such a way that these two key ideas of my faith are wrapped into one word. I looked it up on the internet to confirm Joy’s definition. She was right.
It’s been two years, and I’ve been planning my tattoo. I'm impulsive about some decisions, (“Oh, look, there are sales on plane tickets from Seattle to Egypt. Should I go to Egypt over Christmas break? Hm… Let me think about it… Uh, yes. OK. I’ll buy the tickets.”) but so not about others. The tattoo has been a slow deliberation. But I’m ready to do something outside my normal realm… a little on the edge… something that doesn’t necessarily have a specific utilitarian value or role, but does satisfy an internal desire to assert a little independence. So a tattoo it is.
While I’ve been thinking about the meaning of this word, though, and also the symbolic and deeper meanings I associate with it, I’ve been thinking about how I feel like much of my life has been the enactment of this verb. I suppose it’s the bane of being an idealist, but I always feel like I’m hoping for something or waiting for something. Much of it has just been my forward thinking perspective looking at predictably time-oriented “next steps”: waiting to finish high school, waiting to go away and try life someplace else, waiting to finish college, waiting to see far away friends, etc. My choices certainly have something to do with it, though, such as waiting to have sex until I’m married.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the process of waiting or hoping for something, though, that I fail to be actively involved in the now. I think I’m getting better at this, but I also don’t want to lose my long-standing habit of delayed gratification and being able to hope enough in what is to come that I can wait patiently (or semi-patiently!) right now.
Of course, the most important and most significant hope I can wait for is the return of Jesus. I love this passage in Revelation because it is a little glimpse into the future, and an encouragement to KEEP ON hoping and KEEP ON waiting.
Everything seems to kind of come down to that. Why do I wait to make out with a man? Because I hope and wait for Jesus. Why do I wait to move out on my own or make big-ticket purchases? Because I hope and wait for Jesus. Obviously, I’m not waiting on Jesus to come back and tell me what to do, but rather my perspective – or at least I’m trying to make it such – is one focused on hoping and waiting for the eternal, BIG picture outcome, rather than getting wrapped up in the here and now. Which is why I want this word to be permanently on my body: because as long as I’m alive, I will hope and wait on my beloved Jesus.
Revelation 21:1-22:7
Esperer. Does anyone speak or read or know French? It’s the infinitive form of the verbs “to hope” and “to wait.” I’m going to get it tattooed onto my side.
When I lived in Rome I had a cool couple come through and stay with me. They slept on my couch by night and kept my roommates and I company by day. The gal, Joy, speaks French. We were talking about words and she mentioned “esperer” and gave the definition. I thought it was incredibly cool that the French language has developed in such a way that these two key ideas of my faith are wrapped into one word. I looked it up on the internet to confirm Joy’s definition. She was right.
It’s been two years, and I’ve been planning my tattoo. I'm impulsive about some decisions, (“Oh, look, there are sales on plane tickets from Seattle to Egypt. Should I go to Egypt over Christmas break? Hm… Let me think about it… Uh, yes. OK. I’ll buy the tickets.”) but so not about others. The tattoo has been a slow deliberation. But I’m ready to do something outside my normal realm… a little on the edge… something that doesn’t necessarily have a specific utilitarian value or role, but does satisfy an internal desire to assert a little independence. So a tattoo it is.
While I’ve been thinking about the meaning of this word, though, and also the symbolic and deeper meanings I associate with it, I’ve been thinking about how I feel like much of my life has been the enactment of this verb. I suppose it’s the bane of being an idealist, but I always feel like I’m hoping for something or waiting for something. Much of it has just been my forward thinking perspective looking at predictably time-oriented “next steps”: waiting to finish high school, waiting to go away and try life someplace else, waiting to finish college, waiting to see far away friends, etc. My choices certainly have something to do with it, though, such as waiting to have sex until I’m married.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the process of waiting or hoping for something, though, that I fail to be actively involved in the now. I think I’m getting better at this, but I also don’t want to lose my long-standing habit of delayed gratification and being able to hope enough in what is to come that I can wait patiently (or semi-patiently!) right now.
Of course, the most important and most significant hope I can wait for is the return of Jesus. I love this passage in Revelation because it is a little glimpse into the future, and an encouragement to KEEP ON hoping and KEEP ON waiting.
Everything seems to kind of come down to that. Why do I wait to make out with a man? Because I hope and wait for Jesus. Why do I wait to move out on my own or make big-ticket purchases? Because I hope and wait for Jesus. Obviously, I’m not waiting on Jesus to come back and tell me what to do, but rather my perspective – or at least I’m trying to make it such – is one focused on hoping and waiting for the eternal, BIG picture outcome, rather than getting wrapped up in the here and now. Which is why I want this word to be permanently on my body: because as long as I’m alive, I will hope and wait on my beloved Jesus.
022: Lies
March 9, 2010
Genesis 3
I’ve always related to Eve because, like her, I have believed lies. I know if I had been in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing… perhaps much earlier than she did.
Do you believe lies? Tonight, on my isolated drive home from work through the dark and the rain, I was hearing these lies: “You are not lovely. You are not valuable. Nobody has ever wanted you just as you are, and nobody ever will. You have to do something to be an asset to anyone, and you can’t figure out what it is to do, because you can’t make up your mind about what’s important to you. You are weak – you depend on people to support you, and you can’t control your emotions. You are a mess. Why do you even bother trying? You know all your efforts at self improvement and pleasing people in hopes that they might love you and being generous and gracious and giving of yourself will never bring you the satisfaction you want. So why keep going? What is the point?”
It was pretty brutal. I’m so dense sometimes; the tears were filling my eyes and the old, familiar ache in my heart had started before I even realized the cruel, conniving tone of my accuser.
Have you ever considered suicide? I have. I had breakfast with my sister and cousin last weekend, and my sister was going to a funeral of a young man in our community that recently died from carbon monoxide poisoning. There were many varying factors involved, so the rumor mill isn’t sure if it was an intentional self inflicted death or not. Regardless, the conversation turned to how his death looked like it might have been a suicide, and I was surprised by the strong emotions emitting from my companions on the subject. They explicitly declared in no uncertain terms that suicide was one of the most selfish, disgusting acts they could think of.
I don’t necessarily disagree with them that the decision to kill yourself could be perceived as selfish, but I also know that I’ve walked to the edge of that cliff more than once and peered over the edge. Yes, I may have been being selfish when I did that, but it wasn’t necessarily motivated by a desire to make everyone else hurt.
When you’re there, in that dark, dark, slimy pit, you are simply not thinking the way you are when you’re on the outside looking in. For me, I know that my emotions and my discontentment and my questions and ponderings are exhausting and frustrating and irritating to be around sometimes. I’m sure my family and friends didn’t mean to communicate it exactly the way I interpreted it, but it’s easy to think that the world really would be better off without you. You begin to believe you have nothing to offer anyone, and instead are simply draining valuable resources – emotional, mental, psychological, etc – from the people you love. Rather than being that sort of a leech, and because you’re desperate and hurting, you’re looking for an escape. Just a couple well-whispered lies in a weak moment – in the darkness when you’re lonely and afraid already – and they’ve taken root and started to generate a negative message into your heart and mind. Is it right? No. Is it a commendable action? No. Is it reality? Yes. If you’ve ever been there – hearing the lies at midnight in your cold, lonely bed – so have I. And thus far, I’ve walked away from them. I believe you can too.
Genesis 3
I’ve always related to Eve because, like her, I have believed lies. I know if I had been in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing… perhaps much earlier than she did.
Do you believe lies? Tonight, on my isolated drive home from work through the dark and the rain, I was hearing these lies: “You are not lovely. You are not valuable. Nobody has ever wanted you just as you are, and nobody ever will. You have to do something to be an asset to anyone, and you can’t figure out what it is to do, because you can’t make up your mind about what’s important to you. You are weak – you depend on people to support you, and you can’t control your emotions. You are a mess. Why do you even bother trying? You know all your efforts at self improvement and pleasing people in hopes that they might love you and being generous and gracious and giving of yourself will never bring you the satisfaction you want. So why keep going? What is the point?”
It was pretty brutal. I’m so dense sometimes; the tears were filling my eyes and the old, familiar ache in my heart had started before I even realized the cruel, conniving tone of my accuser.
Have you ever considered suicide? I have. I had breakfast with my sister and cousin last weekend, and my sister was going to a funeral of a young man in our community that recently died from carbon monoxide poisoning. There were many varying factors involved, so the rumor mill isn’t sure if it was an intentional self inflicted death or not. Regardless, the conversation turned to how his death looked like it might have been a suicide, and I was surprised by the strong emotions emitting from my companions on the subject. They explicitly declared in no uncertain terms that suicide was one of the most selfish, disgusting acts they could think of.
I don’t necessarily disagree with them that the decision to kill yourself could be perceived as selfish, but I also know that I’ve walked to the edge of that cliff more than once and peered over the edge. Yes, I may have been being selfish when I did that, but it wasn’t necessarily motivated by a desire to make everyone else hurt.
When you’re there, in that dark, dark, slimy pit, you are simply not thinking the way you are when you’re on the outside looking in. For me, I know that my emotions and my discontentment and my questions and ponderings are exhausting and frustrating and irritating to be around sometimes. I’m sure my family and friends didn’t mean to communicate it exactly the way I interpreted it, but it’s easy to think that the world really would be better off without you. You begin to believe you have nothing to offer anyone, and instead are simply draining valuable resources – emotional, mental, psychological, etc – from the people you love. Rather than being that sort of a leech, and because you’re desperate and hurting, you’re looking for an escape. Just a couple well-whispered lies in a weak moment – in the darkness when you’re lonely and afraid already – and they’ve taken root and started to generate a negative message into your heart and mind. Is it right? No. Is it a commendable action? No. Is it reality? Yes. If you’ve ever been there – hearing the lies at midnight in your cold, lonely bed – so have I. And thus far, I’ve walked away from them. I believe you can too.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
021: Reluctance and Revelation
March 8, 2010
Matthew 5-7
Sometimes I’m not in the mood to write. Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight is one of the nights that I anticipated when I set out on this challenge; sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do. It’s good for us. It builds character. And even in the midst of my internal whining about how I don’t want to write, I DO want to build character, so I’ll write anyhow.
I don’t get myself sometimes. In fact, I don’t get myself a lot. The last couple months have just been a weird, complicated, rather tumultuous couple of months on an emotional level. I’ve almost forgotten what I think I would term “normal,” because it seems like the UNnormal has drug on so long. When I start to feel like the emotional weight of the last year is piling up on me, I start to feel desperate. Does anyone else have this experience? It’s like a horse in a corral when it knows a cougar is stalking it (not that I see that scenario very often, but it’s easy to imagine from all the westerns and horse movies I’ve watched). The fight or flight instincts kick in, and I tend to be more of a flight person. I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t stay here, so I start to frantically consider my other options – jump over the fence and run? Make as much noise as possible and hope someone comes to my rescue? Accept an attack?
Running is usually my first option. Not only on a physical level – I run miles a week to try to reduce my stress and tension – but also on a geographical level and emotional and mental level. I get the urge to pick up and move someplace new, someplace where people don’t know me and I don’t feel like I know myself, so I can reinvent who I am. Emotionally I run by trying to run away into a dream land or ignore the situation altogether – neither of which work effectively, I might add. And mentally, I throw all kinds of new challenges and theories and thoughts and books into my head to try to distract myself from issues at hand.
I did not want to write tonight because I’m frustrated and upset with someone I have known and frustrated and upset with myself that I’m affected by this person and their behaviors. I just composed a list that is titled, “Things that Piss Me Off about ______.” It felt good to write it out – as verbal as I can be, sometimes I fail to really verbalize my anger and frustration – but I also know as I write it that I’m not without guilt in this situation. So then I had to write a list titled, "Things that Piss Me Off about Me." It takes two to tango, and I have certainly made contributions to making the situation confusing and complicated for me.
I knew I needed some passage from the Bible to put with today’s blog entry, and I wasn’t in the mood to read in either 1 Corinthians, 1 Peter, or Deuteronomy, which are the books I’m reading through right now. But as I was flipping through the New Testament, the title heading of Matthew 7 caught my eye, “Do Not Judge Others.” I’m about to do some serious business with the Lord as soon as I finish writing, because as I was reading through all of Jesus’s sermon on the mountain, I was convicted again and again over my recent attitudes, actions, and – fundamentally – selfishness, pride, and self worship.
Oh Lord, I am a foolish, weak, defiled sinner. Have mercy on me. Forgive me and help me live my life victoriously, overcoming these sins and continuing on with a refined and holy heart.
Matthew 5-7
Sometimes I’m not in the mood to write. Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight is one of the nights that I anticipated when I set out on this challenge; sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to do. It’s good for us. It builds character. And even in the midst of my internal whining about how I don’t want to write, I DO want to build character, so I’ll write anyhow.
I don’t get myself sometimes. In fact, I don’t get myself a lot. The last couple months have just been a weird, complicated, rather tumultuous couple of months on an emotional level. I’ve almost forgotten what I think I would term “normal,” because it seems like the UNnormal has drug on so long. When I start to feel like the emotional weight of the last year is piling up on me, I start to feel desperate. Does anyone else have this experience? It’s like a horse in a corral when it knows a cougar is stalking it (not that I see that scenario very often, but it’s easy to imagine from all the westerns and horse movies I’ve watched). The fight or flight instincts kick in, and I tend to be more of a flight person. I don’t know what to do, but I know I can’t stay here, so I start to frantically consider my other options – jump over the fence and run? Make as much noise as possible and hope someone comes to my rescue? Accept an attack?
Running is usually my first option. Not only on a physical level – I run miles a week to try to reduce my stress and tension – but also on a geographical level and emotional and mental level. I get the urge to pick up and move someplace new, someplace where people don’t know me and I don’t feel like I know myself, so I can reinvent who I am. Emotionally I run by trying to run away into a dream land or ignore the situation altogether – neither of which work effectively, I might add. And mentally, I throw all kinds of new challenges and theories and thoughts and books into my head to try to distract myself from issues at hand.
I did not want to write tonight because I’m frustrated and upset with someone I have known and frustrated and upset with myself that I’m affected by this person and their behaviors. I just composed a list that is titled, “Things that Piss Me Off about ______.” It felt good to write it out – as verbal as I can be, sometimes I fail to really verbalize my anger and frustration – but I also know as I write it that I’m not without guilt in this situation. So then I had to write a list titled, "Things that Piss Me Off about Me." It takes two to tango, and I have certainly made contributions to making the situation confusing and complicated for me.
I knew I needed some passage from the Bible to put with today’s blog entry, and I wasn’t in the mood to read in either 1 Corinthians, 1 Peter, or Deuteronomy, which are the books I’m reading through right now. But as I was flipping through the New Testament, the title heading of Matthew 7 caught my eye, “Do Not Judge Others.” I’m about to do some serious business with the Lord as soon as I finish writing, because as I was reading through all of Jesus’s sermon on the mountain, I was convicted again and again over my recent attitudes, actions, and – fundamentally – selfishness, pride, and self worship.
Oh Lord, I am a foolish, weak, defiled sinner. Have mercy on me. Forgive me and help me live my life victoriously, overcoming these sins and continuing on with a refined and holy heart.
020: Rejoice!!!
March 7, 2010
1 Peter 1:3-9
Today I attended my friend Nate’s Sunday school before going to my own home church. Nate and I had coffee on Friday and we were talking about our mutual appreciation for Mark Driscoll’s (Mars Hill Church, Seattle WA) no-nonsense teaching style. I was lamenting the fact that our town is 2 hours from Seattle and 1 ½ hours from the closest Mars Hill campus. Nate mentioned his church was going through the “Trial” series in one of the Sunday classes, and I’d be welcome to attend. I was like, “Are you SERIOUS!?! I’m SO there!”
I think I’ve heard this sermon before – I listened to a bit of the Trial series – but it was still impacting. I took notes. I’m sort of a note freak. My friend Zeph would call it one of my nerdy quirks.
Driscoll highlighted the fact that we ALL experience trials. I loved how he put it: “Everyone’s trial is important to them. It should be important to us. It is important to God.” How often do I take my focus off my own trials and struggles and disappointments and hurts enough to really focus on other people’s trials and let their weaknesses be important to me? I can be SO self focused!
So, as Driscoll pointed out, we EXPERIENCE trials, we FEEL grief over those trials, and we are commanded to RESPOND by rejoicing.
Huh? That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? What on earth do I possibly have to rejoice about when I feel and believe that my world is falling apart?
Well, nothing. But we do have something greater than this earth.
Driscoll pulled 10 reasons for rejoicing out of the text, and I thought they were important and should be shared:
1 – Rejoice in God’s MERCY
2 – Rejoice in the fact that, if you know Jesus, you have been born again
3 – Rejoice in the hope of a living, interceding savior
4 – Rejoice that we have an inheritance for something more than just this life
5 – Rejoice in the promise of heaven and the eternal presence of God
6 – Rejoice in God’s power and how He promises to never leave us
7 – Rejoice that our trials are short. They’re limited in years (80ish or so!)
8 – Rejoice in the fact that our faith is being refined to be more precious than any riches
9 – Rejoice that God loves me and I love Him. That’s why I come back to Him again and again
10 – Rejoice in the fact that we believe in Jesus, even without seeing Him. Because we will someday!
I’m clinging to these things to rejoice about tonight. I hope you can too.
1 Peter 1:3-9
Today I attended my friend Nate’s Sunday school before going to my own home church. Nate and I had coffee on Friday and we were talking about our mutual appreciation for Mark Driscoll’s (Mars Hill Church, Seattle WA) no-nonsense teaching style. I was lamenting the fact that our town is 2 hours from Seattle and 1 ½ hours from the closest Mars Hill campus. Nate mentioned his church was going through the “Trial” series in one of the Sunday classes, and I’d be welcome to attend. I was like, “Are you SERIOUS!?! I’m SO there!”
I think I’ve heard this sermon before – I listened to a bit of the Trial series – but it was still impacting. I took notes. I’m sort of a note freak. My friend Zeph would call it one of my nerdy quirks.
Driscoll highlighted the fact that we ALL experience trials. I loved how he put it: “Everyone’s trial is important to them. It should be important to us. It is important to God.” How often do I take my focus off my own trials and struggles and disappointments and hurts enough to really focus on other people’s trials and let their weaknesses be important to me? I can be SO self focused!
So, as Driscoll pointed out, we EXPERIENCE trials, we FEEL grief over those trials, and we are commanded to RESPOND by rejoicing.
Huh? That sounds crazy, doesn’t it? What on earth do I possibly have to rejoice about when I feel and believe that my world is falling apart?
Well, nothing. But we do have something greater than this earth.
Driscoll pulled 10 reasons for rejoicing out of the text, and I thought they were important and should be shared:
1 – Rejoice in God’s MERCY
2 – Rejoice in the fact that, if you know Jesus, you have been born again
3 – Rejoice in the hope of a living, interceding savior
4 – Rejoice that we have an inheritance for something more than just this life
5 – Rejoice in the promise of heaven and the eternal presence of God
6 – Rejoice in God’s power and how He promises to never leave us
7 – Rejoice that our trials are short. They’re limited in years (80ish or so!)
8 – Rejoice in the fact that our faith is being refined to be more precious than any riches
9 – Rejoice that God loves me and I love Him. That’s why I come back to Him again and again
10 – Rejoice in the fact that we believe in Jesus, even without seeing Him. Because we will someday!
I’m clinging to these things to rejoice about tonight. I hope you can too.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
019: Division
March 6, 2010
1 Corinthians 1:10-2:16
I love school. I like the new books at the beginning of each year, and I like sitting in the classrooms discussing abstract ideas and theories; I enjoy the rush of energy in the halls between classes, and I like the smell of whiteboard pens. Sometimes I wonder, though, if education and academics as Western society defines it is counter to my faith and beliefs.
Paul is clear that the world’s wisdom is not the same as the Lord’s wisdom. What humans called foolishness is truth and wisdom in God’s mind.
Although this issue is important, I think a more pressing issue from this section of Corinthians is the division that Paul addresses and appeals to end. As The Church of Christ, I think we sometimes do a very poor job of being unified. Whether it’s over issues like if we should pursue education from secular universities, or whether women should be education, or how music should sound or whether church should be a building or in small groups, we manage to find all kinds of things to argue over.
On top of that, we debate about theological issues – is baby baptism wrong? Is using birth control anti-biblical? Predestination or free choice?
And yet, Paul specifically address the church in Corinth to be UNIFIED. He wanted them to NOT have fractions and divisions. He pointed out how he had boiled his messaged down to the simple, cut and dry terms in order to keep the converts from being confused and getting wrapped up in the terminology and rhetoric, rather than in what the words were actually saying.
Are we a unified church today? Is the fact that we are one body reflected in our communities, in our services, in our goals and mindsets? I have been extremely blessed to grow up in an environment where cross-congregational socializing, sharing, encouraging, challenging, and development is prioritized. I love how it feels like there are many churches that are part of the same body. But it also doesn’t feel like enough. Unity can’t really be THE goal, although I do think it should be a goal. We need something bigger than that to strive toward. We need more to focus on than just “let’s be united.”
We need a cause. A reason. People always come together when they have a common goal to accomplish. My family had to clean the snow off my Grandmother’s roof last year on Christmas Eve to keep her house from collapsing. We were united in our purpose, and the job got done with minimal arguing, debating, bad attitudes, or complaints, because we were in it together.
I think God knew this about humans and the church. That’s why he gave us a job, to help us come together and accomplish it. We’re told to go and share Jesus. Rather than letting this be a point of contention between churches – whether urban or overseas ministry is more important, whether it should be straight out evangelism or discipleship and church building – why don’t we use this to unify us? Each of my family members had a different section of the roof to clean off. We did it differently, but the job got done. Why can’t our churches adopt a similar model?
1 Corinthians 1:10-2:16
I love school. I like the new books at the beginning of each year, and I like sitting in the classrooms discussing abstract ideas and theories; I enjoy the rush of energy in the halls between classes, and I like the smell of whiteboard pens. Sometimes I wonder, though, if education and academics as Western society defines it is counter to my faith and beliefs.
Paul is clear that the world’s wisdom is not the same as the Lord’s wisdom. What humans called foolishness is truth and wisdom in God’s mind.
Although this issue is important, I think a more pressing issue from this section of Corinthians is the division that Paul addresses and appeals to end. As The Church of Christ, I think we sometimes do a very poor job of being unified. Whether it’s over issues like if we should pursue education from secular universities, or whether women should be education, or how music should sound or whether church should be a building or in small groups, we manage to find all kinds of things to argue over.
On top of that, we debate about theological issues – is baby baptism wrong? Is using birth control anti-biblical? Predestination or free choice?
And yet, Paul specifically address the church in Corinth to be UNIFIED. He wanted them to NOT have fractions and divisions. He pointed out how he had boiled his messaged down to the simple, cut and dry terms in order to keep the converts from being confused and getting wrapped up in the terminology and rhetoric, rather than in what the words were actually saying.
Are we a unified church today? Is the fact that we are one body reflected in our communities, in our services, in our goals and mindsets? I have been extremely blessed to grow up in an environment where cross-congregational socializing, sharing, encouraging, challenging, and development is prioritized. I love how it feels like there are many churches that are part of the same body. But it also doesn’t feel like enough. Unity can’t really be THE goal, although I do think it should be a goal. We need something bigger than that to strive toward. We need more to focus on than just “let’s be united.”
We need a cause. A reason. People always come together when they have a common goal to accomplish. My family had to clean the snow off my Grandmother’s roof last year on Christmas Eve to keep her house from collapsing. We were united in our purpose, and the job got done with minimal arguing, debating, bad attitudes, or complaints, because we were in it together.
I think God knew this about humans and the church. That’s why he gave us a job, to help us come together and accomplish it. We’re told to go and share Jesus. Rather than letting this be a point of contention between churches – whether urban or overseas ministry is more important, whether it should be straight out evangelism or discipleship and church building – why don’t we use this to unify us? Each of my family members had a different section of the roof to clean off. We did it differently, but the job got done. Why can’t our churches adopt a similar model?
Friday, March 5, 2010
018: A GREAT God
March 5, 2010
1 Corinthians 1:1-9
It’s a beautiful spring day here in the NW (and by beautiful I mean dry), and I walked up to my neighbor’s house for a catch-up chat. There’s something so lovely about picking fresh daffodils to give someone on a fresh, clean morning when you’re going to hang out with people who don’t care that you’re in your workout clothes with no makeup on. The apple I was eating for my breakfast was crunchy and delicious, and it was like all my senses were being caressed – the melody of birds singing their hearts out in my ears, the smell of spring in the air, the taste of sweet, juicy fruit in my mouth, and bright, cheerful, happy yellow flowers along the way. It was absolutely refreshing.
But even more refreshing was the conversation. My neighbor, Jody, has grandkids that are 15 years older than me, but that has never stopped us from being friends. She and her husband Don have been friends of my family for 60+ years. I’ve travelled through Spain and England with her son’s family, and her grandson, Erik, is one of my guy-buddies-brothers that I try to boss around and get dealt reality from (“Dani, that shirt is really kind of ugly. Just so you know.”).
I admire Jody and Don a lot. They have loved and served Jesus faithfully for many, many years. They don’t have much by the world’s standards, – Don was a logger until he retired, pasturing little fledgling churches all over the NW in addition to chopping down trees – but they are rich in wisdom, experience, and the lessons learned through heartache.
Jody looked me square in the eyes over a tall glass of water in her fun blue glasses this morning and said, “How are you doing, little missy?” and I love the fact that I was free to express exactly where I’m at, what’s going on in my life and in my heart, and let someone see the massive imperfections that mar my soul. Jody, once again, listened patiently, and then reminded me that I needed to be in the Word and listening to what God is speaking to me, reassuring me that He has given me everything I need to live a life of victory in Him.
I walked home after Jody asked if she could pray with me – how often would I encourage people if I just ASKED if I could pray with them?! – and crawled onto my fluffy white down comforter with my Bible and pen and got through the first 9 verses of 1 Corinthians. And then I had to go back and reread them about 20 times.
I love that my God does not depend on me to keep the promises He makes. He makes promises because HE is faithful and HE will keep them. And yes, I have responsibilities and work to do while I live this life – such as keeping my focus on Him and aligning my life and priorities with HIS priorities – but Paul promises the Corinthian church that they have all the spiritual gifts and equipping they need to do what God appoints for them to do, and that HE will help them accomplish the tasks He has planned for them. Why would I think it would be any different for me? Has the character of God changed? Is His overall purpose – His own honor and glory – different now than it was then? If He wants me to bring Him honor and glory, He also knows my complete lack of ability to do that without His help. And because HE is faithful to keep his promises, He’ll not leave me out in the cold without His assistance. What a good God!
1 Corinthians 1:1-9
It’s a beautiful spring day here in the NW (and by beautiful I mean dry), and I walked up to my neighbor’s house for a catch-up chat. There’s something so lovely about picking fresh daffodils to give someone on a fresh, clean morning when you’re going to hang out with people who don’t care that you’re in your workout clothes with no makeup on. The apple I was eating for my breakfast was crunchy and delicious, and it was like all my senses were being caressed – the melody of birds singing their hearts out in my ears, the smell of spring in the air, the taste of sweet, juicy fruit in my mouth, and bright, cheerful, happy yellow flowers along the way. It was absolutely refreshing.
But even more refreshing was the conversation. My neighbor, Jody, has grandkids that are 15 years older than me, but that has never stopped us from being friends. She and her husband Don have been friends of my family for 60+ years. I’ve travelled through Spain and England with her son’s family, and her grandson, Erik, is one of my guy-buddies-brothers that I try to boss around and get dealt reality from (“Dani, that shirt is really kind of ugly. Just so you know.”).
I admire Jody and Don a lot. They have loved and served Jesus faithfully for many, many years. They don’t have much by the world’s standards, – Don was a logger until he retired, pasturing little fledgling churches all over the NW in addition to chopping down trees – but they are rich in wisdom, experience, and the lessons learned through heartache.
Jody looked me square in the eyes over a tall glass of water in her fun blue glasses this morning and said, “How are you doing, little missy?” and I love the fact that I was free to express exactly where I’m at, what’s going on in my life and in my heart, and let someone see the massive imperfections that mar my soul. Jody, once again, listened patiently, and then reminded me that I needed to be in the Word and listening to what God is speaking to me, reassuring me that He has given me everything I need to live a life of victory in Him.
I walked home after Jody asked if she could pray with me – how often would I encourage people if I just ASKED if I could pray with them?! – and crawled onto my fluffy white down comforter with my Bible and pen and got through the first 9 verses of 1 Corinthians. And then I had to go back and reread them about 20 times.
I love that my God does not depend on me to keep the promises He makes. He makes promises because HE is faithful and HE will keep them. And yes, I have responsibilities and work to do while I live this life – such as keeping my focus on Him and aligning my life and priorities with HIS priorities – but Paul promises the Corinthian church that they have all the spiritual gifts and equipping they need to do what God appoints for them to do, and that HE will help them accomplish the tasks He has planned for them. Why would I think it would be any different for me? Has the character of God changed? Is His overall purpose – His own honor and glory – different now than it was then? If He wants me to bring Him honor and glory, He also knows my complete lack of ability to do that without His help. And because HE is faithful to keep his promises, He’ll not leave me out in the cold without His assistance. What a good God!
017: Nada. Nothing.
March 5, 2010
Psalm 139
As I type this, my present heart condition is in an interesting spot. I realized – while I was at a local coffee shop after my night class attempting to read my Bible but instead being distracted by chatting with people on facebook – that I am a complete hypocrite. I have no right to be writing a blog about a spiritual journey. I’m a selfish jerk of a person who FAR too easily, quickly, and revoltingly gets caught up on my high horse, willing to point out everyone else’s faults.
What do I know?! Nothing. I’m no Biblical scholar. I have no formal training or education in interpersonal relationships. I’ve never been married nor had kids. All my attempts at romantic relationships have failed. I don’t even live on my own – I live with my grandparents. I drive a junk heap named “Poppy” for a car, I am the most disorganized, least structured, unprofessional teacher you will ever meet, not to mention person. Oh, and I’m terrible about making up my mind; I’ve been deliberating about repainting my bedroom for well onto 6 months now, and I still haven’t done it.
Why am I writing about this safari? What good can it possibly do? What is its purpose? Why would it be helpful or beneficial to any other person? Is it even helpful and beneficial for me?
I seriously considered throwing in the towel, pulling the plug, and just deleting not only this blog but both of my other blogs and my facebook (again). I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer. I am absolutely bone-weary-dry, if there ever was anything to give in the first place. I don’t know anything - and when I act like I do it’s really more detrimental than helpful.
While I was brushing my teeth tonight I turned to Psalm 139. It’s my standard go-to poem when I feel terribly about myself and my life. I’m not sure why this psalm wins over others, it just does. It’s been hugely significant to me ever since the dark days of my teenage years when I most seriously considered suicide.
Even though I’m not really entirely sure I believe it – actually, I know I don’t, because if I did I probably wouldn’t get to this place – I want to believe it so badly that I’ll hold on to it. I am precious to God. He thinks about me. He loves me. He created me to be who I am.
And no, I might not have anything to offer on this blog, really. Nor the others. Nor facebook. Nor any other website or social position that acts as my pacifier, distracting me from the real trials of life. But whatever I do have is God’s to use as He wishes. If He can use these writings to help just one person, then of course it’s worth it, even when my mind is thousands of miles away, dreaming about being someplace warm and dry and sunny and different from here. But the great thing is God can meet my brain anywhere. He can meet you anywhere too.
That is why I’ll keep going on this project. Because maybe I need to have it in order to meet up with God.
Psalm 139
As I type this, my present heart condition is in an interesting spot. I realized – while I was at a local coffee shop after my night class attempting to read my Bible but instead being distracted by chatting with people on facebook – that I am a complete hypocrite. I have no right to be writing a blog about a spiritual journey. I’m a selfish jerk of a person who FAR too easily, quickly, and revoltingly gets caught up on my high horse, willing to point out everyone else’s faults.
What do I know?! Nothing. I’m no Biblical scholar. I have no formal training or education in interpersonal relationships. I’ve never been married nor had kids. All my attempts at romantic relationships have failed. I don’t even live on my own – I live with my grandparents. I drive a junk heap named “Poppy” for a car, I am the most disorganized, least structured, unprofessional teacher you will ever meet, not to mention person. Oh, and I’m terrible about making up my mind; I’ve been deliberating about repainting my bedroom for well onto 6 months now, and I still haven’t done it.
Why am I writing about this safari? What good can it possibly do? What is its purpose? Why would it be helpful or beneficial to any other person? Is it even helpful and beneficial for me?
I seriously considered throwing in the towel, pulling the plug, and just deleting not only this blog but both of my other blogs and my facebook (again). I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer. I am absolutely bone-weary-dry, if there ever was anything to give in the first place. I don’t know anything - and when I act like I do it’s really more detrimental than helpful.
While I was brushing my teeth tonight I turned to Psalm 139. It’s my standard go-to poem when I feel terribly about myself and my life. I’m not sure why this psalm wins over others, it just does. It’s been hugely significant to me ever since the dark days of my teenage years when I most seriously considered suicide.
Even though I’m not really entirely sure I believe it – actually, I know I don’t, because if I did I probably wouldn’t get to this place – I want to believe it so badly that I’ll hold on to it. I am precious to God. He thinks about me. He loves me. He created me to be who I am.
And no, I might not have anything to offer on this blog, really. Nor the others. Nor facebook. Nor any other website or social position that acts as my pacifier, distracting me from the real trials of life. But whatever I do have is God’s to use as He wishes. If He can use these writings to help just one person, then of course it’s worth it, even when my mind is thousands of miles away, dreaming about being someplace warm and dry and sunny and different from here. But the great thing is God can meet my brain anywhere. He can meet you anywhere too.
That is why I’ll keep going on this project. Because maybe I need to have it in order to meet up with God.
016: Job shut up
March 3, 2010
Job 42
It’s been awhile since I read through the book of Job. I love how it appeals to my inner science freak junkie – it sure sounds a lot like a dragon or dinosaur there at the end of the book! Not to mention, the feminist in me likes that Job’s three daughters are named, and given an inheritance along with their (unnamed) brothers. I wonder why, though? What was significant about them?
But what I love the most about Job is the last chapter.
A part of me feels like it’s unfair that Job doesn’t get a proper answer to his question – did he even realize why he was going through all he was going through? Did he get that it was God allowing Satan to experiment on him, because obviously God knew Job would be faithful throughout? Yet I know I’m not justified in feeling that God was unfair to Job because it’s pretty obvious that God doesn’t have to respond to Job’s questions. He doesn’t have to give a reason “why.” He’s God. He can do what he wants.
I think that’s what I get the most from Job, which is why I like it so much. I tend to get so caught up in my own little world and life and desires, that I forget what it’s all about; I forget what I am all about. This beautiful earth, these situations that make us hurt and grow and stretch and enjoy the blessings we have, great music, good food – all of it was made and ordained by God, and He deserves all the credit and glory and adoration. James says that EVERY good and perfect gift comes from the Father. All of the things I love in life should be pointing me straight back to Jesus and causing me to fall on my knees before Him in praise and worship.
Like Job, but much more frequently and much less eloquently, I talk about things I know nothing of. I ask God questions I really have no right to ask and no need to have answered. I should – I NEED – to be more conscious of saying, “I take back EVERYTHING I said…”
Because if I think I’ve only heard about God and don’t have that personal experience, I’m wrong. God has revealed His character to me time and again. I have seen Him with my eyes. Why does that not cause me to shut up and get my focus off myself?
Job 42
It’s been awhile since I read through the book of Job. I love how it appeals to my inner science freak junkie – it sure sounds a lot like a dragon or dinosaur there at the end of the book! Not to mention, the feminist in me likes that Job’s three daughters are named, and given an inheritance along with their (unnamed) brothers. I wonder why, though? What was significant about them?
But what I love the most about Job is the last chapter.
A part of me feels like it’s unfair that Job doesn’t get a proper answer to his question – did he even realize why he was going through all he was going through? Did he get that it was God allowing Satan to experiment on him, because obviously God knew Job would be faithful throughout? Yet I know I’m not justified in feeling that God was unfair to Job because it’s pretty obvious that God doesn’t have to respond to Job’s questions. He doesn’t have to give a reason “why.” He’s God. He can do what he wants.
I think that’s what I get the most from Job, which is why I like it so much. I tend to get so caught up in my own little world and life and desires, that I forget what it’s all about; I forget what I am all about. This beautiful earth, these situations that make us hurt and grow and stretch and enjoy the blessings we have, great music, good food – all of it was made and ordained by God, and He deserves all the credit and glory and adoration. James says that EVERY good and perfect gift comes from the Father. All of the things I love in life should be pointing me straight back to Jesus and causing me to fall on my knees before Him in praise and worship.
Like Job, but much more frequently and much less eloquently, I talk about things I know nothing of. I ask God questions I really have no right to ask and no need to have answered. I should – I NEED – to be more conscious of saying, “I take back EVERYTHING I said…”
Because if I think I’ve only heard about God and don’t have that personal experience, I’m wrong. God has revealed His character to me time and again. I have seen Him with my eyes. Why does that not cause me to shut up and get my focus off myself?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
015: Rubric Part V
March 2, 2010
Hosea 3:14-20, Ephesians 4:1-6, Ephesians 5:20-33, 1 Peter 3:1-12, Revelation 21:1-9
Marriage Rubric Part V: Emotional Connection
As with each of the other four parts of this little rubric I’ve outlined, I think the fifth part of emotional connection is also vital for a healthy, God-honoring marriage.
Again and again in the Bible we see God’s relationship with Israel (Old Testament) and His relationship with the church (New Testament). In both cases, God makes clear efforts to know His people, to be known by them, to love them and be loyal to them, and He expects the same in return. It seems reasonable to transfer those ideals to a human marriage, since the Bible repeatedly uses “marriage” vocabulary and analogies in regards to God’s relationship with humanity. Thus, human marriages should set as their goal a full knowledge and love and loyalty and respect of both persons.
Part of that – a large part of it – I think is tied to an emotional connection. By emotional connection, I mean the element of a relationship that causes the two persons to feel close, to feel comfortable with each other, to desire to spend time together, to enjoy being with each other, an encouragement and acceptance and admiration for each other. The emotional element permeates all other aspects of the relationship – it is developed and encouraged through spiritual connection, it promotes and is also promoted by sexual connection, it gives a foundation for mental connection, and it provides security and delight in social connection.
I think emotional connection, for me, can be summed up as the “safety” of a marriage. Emotional connection with my husband would mean that I feel safe with him – exposing my spiritual struggles and triumphs, exploring our sexuality together, sharing my thoughts and ideas knowing that even if he doesn’t agree with me, he will listen and take into consideration what I’m saying. When I feel emotionally close to someone, their thoughts matter to me, their desires are important, and their goals are goals I want to help them strive for and achieve.
It would seem that emotional connection needs to be maintained, but also is easier to maintain when it is being propagated. Little things can contribute to emotional connection on my end – really anything that shows that someone is making an effort to relate to me, acknowledge me, or bless me, such as text messages intermittent throughout the day, simple gestures and touches to acknowledge my presence, attention to little details I find interesting or value, etc. Everyone has their own unique way of expressing love and receiving love, and emotional connection seems to be just the title word for making an effort to both express and receive love from someone in a manner that is purposeful and individualized for them.
Essentially, I want to know that I am the most important human in the world to my husband because of his commitment to our relationship, and I want my husband to know that he is the most important human in my life because of my commitment to our relationship. God uses marriage to refine and reform us, and two people being in it together seems to be the point. Emotional connection would appear to strengthen that unity and tie.
Hosea 3:14-20, Ephesians 4:1-6, Ephesians 5:20-33, 1 Peter 3:1-12, Revelation 21:1-9
Marriage Rubric Part V: Emotional Connection
As with each of the other four parts of this little rubric I’ve outlined, I think the fifth part of emotional connection is also vital for a healthy, God-honoring marriage.
Again and again in the Bible we see God’s relationship with Israel (Old Testament) and His relationship with the church (New Testament). In both cases, God makes clear efforts to know His people, to be known by them, to love them and be loyal to them, and He expects the same in return. It seems reasonable to transfer those ideals to a human marriage, since the Bible repeatedly uses “marriage” vocabulary and analogies in regards to God’s relationship with humanity. Thus, human marriages should set as their goal a full knowledge and love and loyalty and respect of both persons.
Part of that – a large part of it – I think is tied to an emotional connection. By emotional connection, I mean the element of a relationship that causes the two persons to feel close, to feel comfortable with each other, to desire to spend time together, to enjoy being with each other, an encouragement and acceptance and admiration for each other. The emotional element permeates all other aspects of the relationship – it is developed and encouraged through spiritual connection, it promotes and is also promoted by sexual connection, it gives a foundation for mental connection, and it provides security and delight in social connection.
I think emotional connection, for me, can be summed up as the “safety” of a marriage. Emotional connection with my husband would mean that I feel safe with him – exposing my spiritual struggles and triumphs, exploring our sexuality together, sharing my thoughts and ideas knowing that even if he doesn’t agree with me, he will listen and take into consideration what I’m saying. When I feel emotionally close to someone, their thoughts matter to me, their desires are important, and their goals are goals I want to help them strive for and achieve.
It would seem that emotional connection needs to be maintained, but also is easier to maintain when it is being propagated. Little things can contribute to emotional connection on my end – really anything that shows that someone is making an effort to relate to me, acknowledge me, or bless me, such as text messages intermittent throughout the day, simple gestures and touches to acknowledge my presence, attention to little details I find interesting or value, etc. Everyone has their own unique way of expressing love and receiving love, and emotional connection seems to be just the title word for making an effort to both express and receive love from someone in a manner that is purposeful and individualized for them.
Essentially, I want to know that I am the most important human in the world to my husband because of his commitment to our relationship, and I want my husband to know that he is the most important human in my life because of my commitment to our relationship. God uses marriage to refine and reform us, and two people being in it together seems to be the point. Emotional connection would appear to strengthen that unity and tie.
014: Rubric Part IV
March 1, 2010
Genesis 18:1-15, Proverbs 31:10-31, Probers 7, Proverbs 12:4
Marriage Rubric Part IV: Social Connection
If you know anything about Myers Briggs Personality Types, you will understand a little of what my personality is like when I share that my Personality Profile is an ENFP. I think I’m almost a classic textbook case.
As a result, people – and thus socializing – are very important to me. My friend Adam tells me I have no sense of self-preservation in this area and that I’m liable to kill myself trying to socialize. I beg to differ – I do have boundaries, I do get tired of people, and I do find solitude and quiet enjoyable sometimes – but my boundaries may be a little farther stretched than some peoples.
Hospitality is hugely important to me. I’d say it’s one of the areas I’ve been granted a spiritual gift in – meaning, I may not be the best hostess ever, but it doesn’t bother me one little bit to have people in my home, eating my food, sharing my space, and sharing my life. Not only does it not bother me, I love it! I would love to have a big house someday and purposefully open my home and life to people – whether short or long term.
With this knowledge of my personality at hand, one of the areas of connection on my marriage rubric – or a goal I’m striving for in my marriage – is to have a social connection with my husband. Not only do I want to enjoy spending time with him by ourselves – after all, I want to marry my best friend and favorite person to be with – but also with him in various social settings. To “enjoy” socializing with him, I think I need to feel confidant in my husband’s ability to interact with people, either in a crowd, in small groups, in our home, or being a guest in someone else’s house. I don’t want to feel like I have to babysit him at a social gathering, nor do I want to feel like my value to him is less than other people at a party.
Ideally, I want to be able to confidently do the “divide and conquer” tactic in social gatherings, while still being able to pull my husband into the conversations I’m having with people, or feeling free to join him in his conversations.
When we’re doing things together as a couple, I’d like to be able to do things we both enjoy – or at least enjoy doing activities that I might not normally find enjoyable, but find them pleasurable because of his presence. The ability to work OR play with my husband while enjoying his company and knowing that OUR life together melds and just works on the social scene. I want to be able to laugh and joke with him, and also feel free to be serious and pensive or analytic and focused with him and know that he’s OK with all components of my personality. And, of course, I want him to know and utilize that freedom with me.
Although this may not seem like a big deal in marriage, biblically speaking, I think it falls under the component of “prudential wisdom” to consider the socializing ability and compatibility of the individuals in a marriage. Otherwise, I think it could be undermining to the relationship…
Genesis 18:1-15, Proverbs 31:10-31, Probers 7, Proverbs 12:4
Marriage Rubric Part IV: Social Connection
If you know anything about Myers Briggs Personality Types, you will understand a little of what my personality is like when I share that my Personality Profile is an ENFP. I think I’m almost a classic textbook case.
As a result, people – and thus socializing – are very important to me. My friend Adam tells me I have no sense of self-preservation in this area and that I’m liable to kill myself trying to socialize. I beg to differ – I do have boundaries, I do get tired of people, and I do find solitude and quiet enjoyable sometimes – but my boundaries may be a little farther stretched than some peoples.
Hospitality is hugely important to me. I’d say it’s one of the areas I’ve been granted a spiritual gift in – meaning, I may not be the best hostess ever, but it doesn’t bother me one little bit to have people in my home, eating my food, sharing my space, and sharing my life. Not only does it not bother me, I love it! I would love to have a big house someday and purposefully open my home and life to people – whether short or long term.
With this knowledge of my personality at hand, one of the areas of connection on my marriage rubric – or a goal I’m striving for in my marriage – is to have a social connection with my husband. Not only do I want to enjoy spending time with him by ourselves – after all, I want to marry my best friend and favorite person to be with – but also with him in various social settings. To “enjoy” socializing with him, I think I need to feel confidant in my husband’s ability to interact with people, either in a crowd, in small groups, in our home, or being a guest in someone else’s house. I don’t want to feel like I have to babysit him at a social gathering, nor do I want to feel like my value to him is less than other people at a party.
Ideally, I want to be able to confidently do the “divide and conquer” tactic in social gatherings, while still being able to pull my husband into the conversations I’m having with people, or feeling free to join him in his conversations.
When we’re doing things together as a couple, I’d like to be able to do things we both enjoy – or at least enjoy doing activities that I might not normally find enjoyable, but find them pleasurable because of his presence. The ability to work OR play with my husband while enjoying his company and knowing that OUR life together melds and just works on the social scene. I want to be able to laugh and joke with him, and also feel free to be serious and pensive or analytic and focused with him and know that he’s OK with all components of my personality. And, of course, I want him to know and utilize that freedom with me.
Although this may not seem like a big deal in marriage, biblically speaking, I think it falls under the component of “prudential wisdom” to consider the socializing ability and compatibility of the individuals in a marriage. Otherwise, I think it could be undermining to the relationship…
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