044: Conflict Style

March 31, 2010
1 Corinthians 6:1-8, Ephesians 4:1-6

Tonight I met my friend Adam at Shari’s for dinner. Actually, it was breakfast foods for me, but since it was almost 10:30PM, I don’t think any meal title “properly” fits… Regardless, we talked about many things – we usually do that when we converse – and one of the things we discussed was friends that do not seem to be considerate of other friends.

Adam and I have a mutual friend that, for whatever reason, has irritated Adam. I’ve tried to refrain from becoming a part of whatever the issue is – it’s not my business, and I don’t feel like it’s my place to get involved – but the issue at hand came up over my spinach omelet and his pot roast.

We approach conflict and interpersonal issues two very different ways, Adam and I. I can see and understand the reasons behind why Adam does conflict the way he does, but I think my way is better. I suppose this is why some people think I’m opinionated and stubborn and judgmental because there are a number of issues that I think I’m right about. I try not to simply make a rash decision – I really do try to think things through and even apply some logic to the situation – but I definitely make up my mind and take a stand sometimes.

With this particular issue, Adam is frustrated with someone that he thinks treated someone else inconsiderately, and from what I understand about the situation, he’s just going to be frustrated and irritated. His feelings appear to have ruined the friendship he once shared with the other person, but the friendship was not particularly close, in terms of real life, face-to-face interaction. (THIS, my friends, is why technology can sometimes be SO annoying and frustrating! It leads to these quasi-relationships… Check out “Flickering Pixels” by Shane Hipps for further thoughts to ponder…)

I, on the other hand, think that Adam should approach the person he’s frustrated with and explain why he’s frustrated. I absolutely hate issues being swept under the rug and not dealt with. I believe a pastor I once heard would refer to me as a “T-Rex” in terms of my conflict style… That isn’t always true, sometimes I am lazy or cowardly and don’t deal with issues, but much of the time, if there is a problem, I’d much prefer to just get it out in the open and resolve it. If I’m at fault, the rational side of me wants to be able to apologize and gain forgiveness and move on. If the other person is at fault, I’d like the chance to forgive them, or I’d like to have them apologize, at least!

My conflict resolution style tends to get things over with quickly. That is good. I think. The bad part, however, is that I often don’t take time to truly meditate and come to regret what it is I do BEFORE I apologize. If I just say the words, unless I get a good dose of reflection time after, it’s easy for me to NOT actually change any of my behaviors – instead I just pay the lip service. That is not good. On the other hand, I don’t feel like Adam’s style does anything to actually RESOLVE the issue. He’s just ignoring it. And losing a friend in the process.

I hate losing friends. I hate to see people lose friends. How’s your conflicting and resolutions?