Poems

ONE:

I am but one

Small bud in a field

Small thorn on a rose bush

Small fleck on a clock

I have but one

moment in time

breath left to spill

self to give

I strive for none but one

goal: to love

life: to live

thought: to praise

I have

two hands to move

two ears to tune

two eyes to weigh

I desire just one:

blink to endure

God to serve

love to hold as mine:

Jesus.

THE VOICE:

The voice I'm learning to decipher

Amidst the wind and rain

Is the voice I long to hear

Comfort my world-wearied soul today.

I hope for strength and patience

As I pass where I can't see His face

May His tenderest touch

Fill my heart with the rush

To step through my sludge to His gate.

SURRENDER:

My heart and its feelings

of sadness and woe and

hope. Surrender.

My dreams and the fuel

that pressed me

onward to go.

My words and my deeds

must be given to Thee

if this act is complete.

But to learn to love

well, and to hold

well myself, I

Surrender to be

more like You and

much, much less

like me.

TO LOVE:

Oh the trials the soul must face

When a heart desires to give, not take

Against every instinct it must fight

When reason and hope seem out of sight

The battle must be won

Strength given from the Son

But death comes in the night

before the rising of Love.

Genesis: My Struggle is not Always Your Struggle

This will be quick, because I've got a stack of papers to focus on, but I noticed in Genesis 25 this morning that when God tells Isaac that he's going to be the father of many nations and that all people will be blessed through him, it is an altogether different circumstance from Abraham's reception of that news; Isaac had not just one son, but TWO: Abraham had none.

Abraham had great, inspirational, astounding faith. One of the biggest demonstrations of his faith, I think, is in relation to this whole son issue.

Isaac didn't have to struggle with that... as much. He DID plead with God on his wife's behalf to enable her to have children. But he didn't receive the promise of many descendants on a personal level until AFTER his son were born.

Isaac's great trial of faith wasn't the same as his father's, exactly. Therefore, it follows that my trial of faith might not be the same as yours.

A Sight to See

I'd like to preface this (for what it's worth) by saying I'm not Pentecostal. Whatever you would think of in terms of "conservative," that's probably me. I have a friend who worked at a Baptist church for awhile and he thought that church was conservative. I'm more conservative than that, in practice of my "religion" (although, really, I'm not a fan of that word!). I tend to be pretty straight laced and traditional. That isn't to say I don't believe in miracles (they totally happen!) or expressing emotions in worship (uh - just don't ask ME to dance, please!), I'm just wary. I'm wary of things I cannot logically set apart from myself and analyze and come up with a good reason for it.

With that in mind, I'm not trying to convince you (my, like, one reader!) of anything specifically. I'm just going to tell you a little about myself.

When I was 14 and at my youth group's summer camp, during chapel service one morning or afternoon or evening - I don't remember which - I had an experience that has stuck with me ever since. I don't know if it was anything supernaturally special - I have a pretty good imagination, so it might have just been that... but hey, who says God cannot speak to us through our imagination?! Look at Narnia or Lord of the Rings!

Anyhow.

I was praying, and just talking to God about stuff, which I don't even remember now, and I saw myself as a small child standing at the foot of a set of HUGE stone doors. I was scared to go inside. It was a castle of some kind, but really more vast than I could understand. I knew that God was on the other side of those doors. And I didn't want to interrupt anything happening inside his throne room. But then I noticed an impressive and slightly intimidating man standing beside the door, and he said very kindly, "You can go inside, Dani. It's OK. You're welcome." Then he opened the door for me. I stepped through, and I know there were people around, but I don't know who or what they were doing, but I just stood there at the back of the room for a second. Then I focused on the figure sitting on the huge throne at the front of the room, and I saw him motioning toward me. I started to walk slowly, then faster, then I was running for the front of that huge, great, cavernous room. I ran right up a seemingly huge flight of stairs to get up to the same level as that throne, and I was picked up inside massively huge arms, and held against a safe, secure, chest.

I was held in the arm of God. I will never, no matter how long I live, forget that sensation. It felt like I was disappearing inside the safety of his heart.

This picture doesn't exactly reflect it, but it's about as close as I can get on google images to the picture I see in my head:

Sunday I went to the beach for some alone time. It was wonderful, but that's a story for another day. For the second time, I saw something that I think is significant to me on varying levels.

There wasn't a specific moment I saw this, it was different than last time, but I realized as I was driving home that I had a certain image in my head: I see myself standing at the edge of a great, huge, vast canyon-ish landscape in front of me. It looks amazing. Full of mystery, and huge, and almost incomprehensible, but I also have the most incredible peace looking at it. Rather than feeling stressed like I would imagine myself feeling if I were to ever stand in that position and see a canyon like that spread out before me, I just feel, again, safe and secure. Rather than feeling like I don't have nearly enough time to explore that whole canyon, I know I've got all the time I'll need. And that'll never be enough.

I think the canyon/landscape is God. And he's inviting me to come, explore, understand, investigate, and interact with him. I'm on the cusp of stepping into a deeper, more intimate, more specialized experience with God, but in this brief moment, I get to see a large glimpse of who and what he is, and it is absolutely awe inspiring. It goes on and on. And it's absolutely thrilling to know that I'll go on and on and get to investigate to my heart's contentment.

This isn't exactly it, but it's as close as I can get again:

Anyhow. It's kind of exciting to feel like God is pushing me outside my comfort zones and breaking down my boxes by revealing things to me through alternative mediums...

Genesis: Notes from Noah

I picked up lice while I was in India (disgusting, I know), and although the pesky little bugs are LONG gone now (thanks to olive oil, vaseline, combing, lice shampoo, tea tree oil applied to hair every day for a week, tea tree oil shampoo, more combing, a second round of lice shampoo, several rounds of letting rubbing alcohol soak in my hair, AND consistent use of a hair drier and straightening iron... just in case), there is one major lesson I learned from the experience:

Fine-tooth combing and attention to details can really pay off.

I think I've mentioned I'm studying in Genesis right now. While in India I realized there are a number of things I THINK I know about God, and assume to be true, but I also severely doubted as I looked at what was around me. I can still close my eyes and see the face of a leper woman 10 years my senior who had such severe leprosy that it looks like her body is decomposing while she continues to live. I can still feel the pressure of a little orphan girl clinging to my torso. I cannot even now articulate exactly how these sights changed me - probably because I don't really know - but there's no doubt in my mind that I'm different now. Something small but significant has been tweeked in how I look at the world.

So I decided that I wanted to know if this God I worship - this God I claim to love and know and have a personal relationship - actually IS the God that is revealed in the Bible. Because if He's not, then I'm worshipping an idol. My "relationship" is nothing more than a fantasy. I really want to know God for who He is and in the context of who He shows Himself to be.

Genesis called my name. I'm planning to read carefully through the first 5 books of the Bible, as they were the original recordings that God gave to man that reveals Him through the written word.

I had coffee with my friend Rinat today and something about people's weaknesses came up. I shared this with him. God seemed to use it to hit me over the head and then dumped it in my lap a couple weeks ago:

Genesis 9:18-28

Noah makes a vineyard and gets drunk and lies in his tent naked. Ham find him. He goes out and tells his brothers. His brothers come in and cover up Noah. Noah wakes up and realizes what happened, curses Ham, and blesses Shem and Japheth.

Here's what I noticed:

1 - We don't know Ham's attitude or circumstances in finding Noah. Maybe Noah was in his private tent and Ham rudely barged into his tent. Maybe Ham had reason to be in Noah's tent. Maybe Ham was snooping. We also don't know what Ham's attitude was when he came out of Noah's tent. Was he laughing at his father and ridiculing him? Was he disgusted? I dunno. But I do know that he saw his father in a weak and vulnerable state, and he did the wrong thing.

2 - Shem and Japheth found out from Ham that their father was laying in his tent drunk and naked, and they did the opposite of what I'd expect: rather than going to see the spectacle, or even just leaving Noah alone in an attitude of indifference, they go out of their way to cover up their father without giving him additional reason for shame or dishonor. They BACK into the tent and don't look.

3 - Ham saw his father's weak and vulnerable, and he tried to exploit it somehow. He told people. He drew attention to it. He magnetized Noah's flaws. Shem and Japheth did the opposite. They knew about their father's weakness, and they didn't do anything to further expose it. They didn't prey on him in his weakness. Instead, they purposefully tried to use their own strength to protect their father's weak points.

How often do I see someone's weakness and jump at it? Or, more subtly, how often do I just happen to "casually" mention it? Or use it against them or their reputation in even the slightest way? More importantly than that, though, how often, when I see a weakness, do I FAIL to purpose to protect and shelter that weakness, using my own strength to make up for the shortcoming in another person? Or, at the very least, to help them deal with their problem by assisting them.

4 - Noah seems to dramatically overreact. Rather than responding in humbleness and saying, "Boys (although they were all well over a 100 a this point, I believe!), I did something stupid, and I know you know about it, and I just want to confess and come clean to you," instead he starts throwing up smoke screens and cursing Ham and drawing attention to his son and diverting it off himself. How often do I do THAT? Rather than, in humility, admitting a mistake or foolishness or sin, I try to point out other people's faults, or use them as an excuse.

It's really sobering to see myself reflected in the negative side of these old Bible stories. But it's also good for me to come face to face with my sin.

Father, thank you for how you continue to work through your Word to teach. Open my eyes to my sin so I can repent and stop. Help me be a champion for people, a warrior maiden fighting FOR people, not against them. Help me honor and respect them, their stories, their past, their present, and their future. Thank you for your insurmountable mercy.

Genesis: What Abimelech Observed

I spent most of my time last week in Genesis 21. I kept rereading verses 22-34. I just couldn't seem to get anything too profound out of it, and I thought for sure I was missing the point. Then I realized two things:

1 - Abimelech noticed Abraham was blessed and sought to be a part of that blessing. I think this is fascinating, especially given that Abimelech doesn't get any mention in the Biblical canon as being a believer in God. That fact was convicting to me: a non-believer is more in tune with seeing who is being blessed than I probably would be, and he also DOES something about it.

How often do I simply overlook God's blessings? Whether it be in my life or in other people's lives? And not only that, but when I do see that God is blessing someone, does it prompt me to action? Or is it just, like, "Oh, hey, that's cool. Hm. 'Bout them Huskies..." It makes me think of how much more I could be doing. If I'm looking for blessings around me, and notice someone as being blessed, why on earth don't I go to them and say, "Hey, what's the deal? I noticed you're being really blessed. How can I get a part of that?" Not that I'm promoting being greedy, but perhaps more from the perspective of maybe I have something I can learn from that person. Not that God operates on a strictly "those who deserve it get blessed" basis, but there ARE some areas where it seems to follow that logical thought - honor your father and mother, and you'll be blessed with long life, etc.

2 - Sometimes I expect that God will work in supernatural ways to accomplish what he plans. Wrong. I think sometimes he uses very normal, everyday, human events and actions. In this case, Abraham and Abimelech developed a peace treaty. I don't believe this was wrong, after giving it some thought. God didn't tell Abraham to go into the land and destroy every living inhabitant - that didn't come until much later. Not only that, if God said that Abraham would live in this land, why can't he do it as a "legal resident," so to speak, rather than as an "illegal immigrant"? There's nothing wrong - and, in fact, it might often be RIGHT! - to progress through conventional, legal, appropriate, ethical chains of command. Abraham was blessed that the chain of command came to him, of course, and that he didn't have to go seek it out... but still, it seems insightful.

So there you have it: God grants lots and lots of blessings. I want to see them. I want to search them out. I want to not be afraid of letting God work through circumstances and not wondering if maybe I'm missing the clear leading. So maybe, when all the doors start opening for you to purchase plane tickets to Niger to work with a Medical Team at a remote hospital, it's reasonable to take that as an indication that's the direction to proceed, don't you think? :-)

Genesis: Lot was a Loser

Genesis 19

OK, maybe that's a harsh statement. After all, I shouldn't judge like that. But going off of what I'm reading in Genesis, he's a pretty pathetic person.

I was detailing some of my observations and thoughts in my journal this weekend:

First, I wonder what Abraham and Lot's relationship was like. Since Lot didn't have a dad, and Abraham was his uncle, I'm gonna guess they probably had a close relationship. I'd bet Abraham felt, to some degree, like a father figure for Lot. Or at least responsible for him. He took Lot with him when God called him to the land of Canaan - which wasn't really his orders, might we note. Lot hung around for a long time, until they couldn't continue to maintain a close geographical distance, because of the fighting growing between their herdsmen. So Abraham - very generously - offered Lot whatever part of the land he wanted. Lot went for the pretty part. Abraham was happy to give it to him.

Insert 15+ years.

Let's think about this: Lot had the opportunity to walk with Abraham through the beginning of his faith journey. Did he ever claim faith in Abraham's God? Did he ever think about HIS responsibility to this God that had spoken to Abraham and told him to move to this new land? He couldn't possibly have lived with Abraham all those years without at least being exposed to some of these ideas.

When God approached Abraham to tell him that Sarah as going to have a baby, he also told Abraham he planned to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham dares to confront God and ask for a favor of sorts. He started bartering with 50 righteous people. I wonder if he hoped Lot would have been faithful to God and converted at least 46 people (if he expected Lot and his 2 daughters to be righteous too). Then he starts lowering his number. Abraham stops at 10. I wonder if he figured that was a "safe" number; that surely Lot would have been at least THAT successful.

When the angels arrive in Sodom, Lot insists they spend the night at his home. He had to have known what was likely to happen if the angels slept in the square. Clearly he was compromising in living there - he knew what would happen wasn't "right" if the angels slept in the square, or else he wouldn't have asked them home with him. But he also wasn't willing to move away and avoid the place.

Then, he further ruins his already questionable reputation by offering his two daughters to the men in the city if they'll leave his guests alone. Seriously?! How deeply disturbing.

Fast forwarding to the scene in the cave where Lot is now hiding like a coward because the village he begged to go to apparently was scary. The daughters want to have babies, so they decide to utilize the only source of sperm they can think of, which happens to be their father.

What on earth was their motivation? I highly doubt it was for good sex. Their plan to was to get Lot drunk enough that he wouldn't remember anything. Rather, I think they were scared, and trying to do something to assert their own authority over their life. CLEARLY Lot wasn't going to be looking out for their best interest. Maybe they figured if they could have their own sons, they could raise their protection against whatever crazy scheme Lot was liable to think up next.

I wonder also, though, what kind of family had Lot created? The girls didn't apparently think it was too far out of the realm of "okay" to have intercourse with their father. It doesn't appear that these girls are extremely experienced in the sexual realm, either. Lot advertised them as virgins. I sense a real lack of respect, love, and protection here.

Like the comic at the top of this entry implies: Lot was a terrible father. But really, in my opinion at least, he was more than just that: he was also a major loser.

Too bad, considering he was partially raised by one of the giants of the faith. I guess it goes to show that we cannot ride along on our parent's or mentor's or relatives faith-shirttails.

Genesis: Not a Normal Ninety-Nine

Genesis 18:1-15

Abraham is not what I would consider "normal" for 99 years old.

Here's a couple observations I made today:

1 - Abraham is resting. In the shade. During the heat of the day. I've been on the Mediterranean during the heat of the day during the summer (I'm going to guess this was the summer because that's when it's really hot, you know?). It's hot. Really, really, reallllllly hot. It is only logical that one would sit in the shade. I recall being in Morocco during the middle of the day in June and it's pushin' 95 in the shade. Hotter in the sun, obviously. Isn't it interesting that Abraham is resting? He's resting when it's logical that he should rest. How often do I NOT rest?

2 - The Lord appears to Abraham while he is resting. Isn't that also interesting? If Abraham had been out rushing around with the flocks or traveling and trying to entertain himself, or even arguing with Sarah in the tent, he wouldn't have necessarily seen the Lord. He would have been too busy, preoccupied, and distracted to even notice the three strangers.

3 - Abraham approaches God enthusiastically. It says Abraham RAN to the three men. I have no idea if Abraham knew this was God on sight or not, but he certainly didn't hesitate to extend his BEST hospitality. He invites the men to sit in the shade (ie: share his place of rest - isn't that interesting?), and treats them with honor and respect. He asks, offers, but doesn't demand. He's willing to defer to their preference.

4 - Abraham pulls out all the stops to serve his visitors. He RUNS to the tent to ask Sarah to make food, he RUNS to the herd (I would presume this probably was at least a little ways away from the tents... And remember, it's still the heat of the day!), picks out a tender (ie: valuable) calf to be prepared, then returns to serve his visitors, waiting on them. It reminds me of that command to do EVERYTHING as unto the Lord - Abraham lived up to that here! Literally!

I was thinking about how often I do the opposite of what Abraham does here:

First, I don't stop and rest and reflect when it's logical times. I take off on trips around the world during my breaks. I pack hobbies and side trips into my weekends. I socialize until late. I don't often enough just stop and rest and allow time and space and peace for God to approach me to visit.

Second, when God DOES break through to me, when I'm not rushing around trying to multitask and commune with him while also doing my tasks (and, ultimately, doing poorly at both), I don't jump up and enthusiastically go about doing what I COULD do to serve him. I'm tired. I'm lazy. I'm selfish. Because I'm not rested up TO serve God, I don't make the effort.

I'm only 22 (that's 77 years younger than Abraham!!), but I don't do a fourth as much as he does in terms of appropriately responding to God - and waiting for Him to reveal how I can serve Him.

I have much to learn.

Genesis: Lessons from Sarah

Genesis 16

1 - Don't assume God is holding out on you for your detriment just because He COULD give you something and has chosen to not do it. His end goal is always His own glory - and refining you to realize it.

2 - Don't take action when your actions are based on bitterness, jealousy, envy, anger, selfishness, or spite. Just don't. It's always better to take no action OR act instead in love.

3 - Don't build expectations on projections built on "ifs" that are stacked on top of each other. "IF I can't have a baby, and IF Hagar can, then IF Hagar had Abram's baby, and IF Hagar is compliant and gives me the baby, then I can have a child through Hagar."

Worship God. Humble yourself. Repeat. Exponentially.

Genesis: Focusing on the Details

Genesis 9-11

When I take pictures, sometimes I like to get the big scope, and other times I like to focus in on small details. I think with Bible reading we should have some of both. Often times, however, I find myself reading in what would be called "Sweeping Generalizations" in the paper-writing world. After spending time with my students this past week working on honing their diction/description abilities in the verbal universe, I was determined to come back to the Bible and apply some of those concepts to my own studying. After all, reading and writing are a circle in different stages; we read what someone has written, and we write for the purpose of recording so we can come back to read.

I was inspired by a conversation with Isaac last week about how he and several of his close friends are reading through the Torah slowly... carefully... looking at the small details. In conjunction with that, I was going through old files on my computer recently and saw the downloaded document that got saved in my computer's brain from my friend Anthony last January as he was going through the Bible and writing down a summary and key verse from each chapter. Climbing rapidly up Bloom's Taxonomy of thinking levels, I decided to use both of these guys' goals as inspiration for my next devo project: I want to read through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy carefully - perhaps only a chapter or two a day - and write out in my QT notebook (a gift from my cousins, Ann and Charlie, last birthday) key impressions, thoughts, convictions, interesting word choice, and note a verse or two that seems to sum up the significance of each chapter.

I took quite some time to read Genesis 9, 10, and 11 today, and I got dumped on.

While I won't relate my entire conversation with the Lord this morning, I did noticed some wording in Genesis 9 that stopped me in my tracks. The Bible reports that Ham saw his father's nakedness and told his brothers. There are so many other ways to say this, I stopped and thought about why God chose to put it in such undetailed language. If I was writing, I would have used so many other descriptive words! Was Ham spying on his Dad? Did he burst into his room unannounced, rudely putting his own demands above common courtesy? Did he jeer? Was he disgusted? I don't know what Ham's attitude exactly was, but regardless, it obviously wasn't as respectable as his brothers. If we carry this literal story over to less literal ideas, I realized that when we see weakness in parents (or anyone else close to us) - whether because of their own stupidity or accidentally - I should seek to "cover" or "protect" them, rather than report and expose their weakness to others. Wow. There's a twisting in my heart and I had to take time to repent for some many foolish, stupid things I've said or reported in my LACK of "covering" and "protecting" attitudes. Likewise, Noah's reaction seems, frankly, a bit excessive... I would even go so far as to say that it seems defensive. This was also convicting: how many times have I had a weakness or vulnerability or sin exposed and I've lashed out, reacting rather than taking correction or revelation into consideration and acting in response? Lord, have mercy on me and my weaknesses!

Genesis 10, of course, is one of those seemingly long and boring family lineage accounts that I usually skim through rapidly. While I didn't agonize over how to pronounce names, I did notice at the end of the chapter how the Bible states that all of the tribes and peoples of the world come from Shem, Ham, and Japeth. Is it not significant that God is promoting this idea of a world-wide family? In the previous chapter I just saw how Ham didn't do what was best in terms of a family member's vulnerability. If we're all from the same origins, that would make us all family, which would then imply that we should be protective, honoring, and considerate of ALL of humanity, does it not? I know I do not always do that. IF I manage to pull myself out of my selfish rut and look out for the good of people who are close to me or for whom I feel responsibility toward, I feel like my job is done with the half dozen to a dozen folks I "need" to act that way toward. The call of being so... caring and generous and kind to the whole world is overwhelming! It's amazing to me how Jesus managed to do such overwhelming things, though...

Just when I thought there wouldn't be much more God would possibly "dump" on me today for me to become aware of and repent of sins, I got to Genesis 11. I don't know why, but for some strange, absurd reason I always got the feeling that God was somehow threatened by or wary of or concerned-due-to-fear by the Tower of Babel and what people were trying to accomplish there. Of course that isn't the case! As I read this chapter, I realized I'd been holding that incredibly erroneous understanding, which is frankly quite demeaning to God and His sovereignty, wisdom, and infinite majesty. To think a human could in ANY way, shape, or form threaten God's position as ultimate Ruler and King is just so absurd! It's a good thing the Lord loves me and is so patient with me - otherwise I would never have had the guts to bring yet another issue before Him to confess and ask forgiveness of... As I read over this chapter again slowly, I realized a couple things: 1: I don't think the people are being condemned for building a city. There doesn't seem to be any concern with the actual act of making bricks, settling together, etc. 2: I think the problem stems from how the people sought to build a city and a tower in it to make themselves famous AND so they wouldn't get "lost" (or something along those lines). The attitude here seems to be the key problem: essentially, they sought to increase their own fame among humanity, and they tried to find safety and security in something of their own doing.

Once again: Wow. How completely selfish and disrespectful of God. And how often I'm guilty of the same thing. I began to think of how I promote myself rather than Jesus, and how I stress about or seek security and safety from things that I can (or at least attempt to) do, rather than relying solely on the goodness, wisdom, and trustworthiness of my God. I mean, case in point: graduate school decisions. As I look at this, I've been realizing that I'm weighing this decision on the wrong scales: I've been thinking of it in terms of "what will provide training for the most versatile career options and job security?" I have not been thinking in terms of, "What training will help me partner with God in bringing Him fame, respecting and protecting and "covering" my fellow humans, and treating this world of people like they're my family?" Holy conviction here!

Lastly, I noticed how good God is in this chapter to confuse languages. I don't think I've ever grasped that before. It seemed silly to consider how we all spoke the same language once upon a time here on earth, then God messed it up, then He died for us so we could be in relationship with Him, then He told us to go preach that good news to everyone. It seems like it would have made more sense to maintain the original language to begin with, because then preaching could happen pretty fast and we'd just move right along to eternity... But obviously that wasn't His plan. God is good, and He knew all that would transpire - the length of human's lives, the time passing on earth, individual and national histories, etc. I think it's fairly safe to say that one person can do a lot of destruction, given their sin nature, but 100 people and their sin natures working together can do massively more than just an individual can on her own. God knew that. I cannot help but think the confusion of the languages was one of His many incredibly merciful acts to limit the destruction, chaos, pain, and misery of what this world could be like.

Anyhow, as I move on into the rest of my day pondering these chapters and ideas and convictions, I'm undeniably reminded of how God meets us and refines us and changes us through His Word. I am filled - like pushing back from the dinner table at Thanksgiving after savoring each and every bite... slowly... focusing on the details.

The Convergence of the Cross

I so frequently get the facts of the cross disconnected. I forget it was love AND suffering, hope AND desperation, God AND humans that are these Christian symbols.

The last few weeks have been pulling these various loose strings together.

My young adult's group that meets on Tuesday evenings has begun a series on The Bait of Satan, which is all about offenses. The first episode (a mere 20 minutes or so) was like a 3 hour long discussion between my heart and God and the speaker about the seeds of offense and bitterness in my life. It was like again and again the Holy Spirit whispered, "Hey, pay attention darlin'. These words are for you!" As the speaker talked about expectations and how bitterness results from disappointed expectations, I was like, "O, my God, forgive me! Help me!"

I don't want to be a person who builds walls in my life or other people's lives, in my heart or other people's hearts, by my bitterness, resentment, or offenses.

There have been 2 other relationships in my life in the past week where I've seen these lessons directly impacting. As I struggled through how to explain the teachings to people I love dearly - in hopes they would have the same moments of realization and desire to eradicate bitterness and resentment from their lives - it was like I was having to learn it all over again... Not EXPECTiNG them to get it, but just releasing them to learn or not learn what they would.

I've also been reading a book called "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado. I picked it up on Valentine's day at Powells. This week has been the first time I've really looked at it. It's changing my week. It might be changing my life!

The whole thesis is that, if we experience God's abundant love, and can recognize and glory in it, we will be free to give out that same kind of love to those around us, without expecting anything from them in return.

The part that just floored me was near the beginning when Lucado took 1 Corinthians 13 and demonstrated two drastically different things. First, he put his own name into the chapter and wrote, "Max is patient. Max is kind. Max doesn't envy or boast..." and confessed that those statements were absolute lies. Then he put Jesus's name in the quotation and I read, "Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. Jesus doesn't envy, Jesus doesn't boast..." and I realize how TRUE that was!

I've also had the opportunity to get to apply this very learning this week. Although my flesh is still weak and sensitive and refusing to let go of the memory of offense and and disappointment, I am absolutely determined to live like the Spirit of Jesus is within me (because it IS!). I will NOT be impatient. I will NOT be unkind. I will NOT be envious or boastful. I will NOT be proud or rude... I will NOT bear a record of wrongs against me (real or imagined!)."

I was crying tonight as I drove home from my office listening to Dana Glover's song "Thinking Over." It was the lyrics, "There are two roads to walk down, and one road to choose..." It was like God just showed me an image of myself looking at the two roads - one of those was MY way, where I could feed the hurt and muddle in self pity beyond any and all reasonableness from an imagined mistreatment, or I could walk with him down HIS road, and leave all that behind. I saw myself looking at the two, then taking Jesus's hand to walk down his road.

I'm not saying I'm perfect - far, far, FAR from it! A small part of me still wants to go down MY road! - but I am saying that I am blessed to have all these little things come together into one big idea: Jesus loves. Purely, Simply, Abundantly, Unrestrictedly. I not only WANT to do that, I also CAN do that, if I am loving out of HIS love. If I'm just letting it come in and go out - fill me up and overflow out the top.

Jesus loves ME so tremendously. This week alone he's been wooing me with gifts - free tires, free coffee, free bubble tea, free CDs, sunshine, etc. As I see that and learn to delight in it, it's wonderful to be so willing and ABLE to just let that love pour out of me - in the form of words and actions and service and patience and holding my tongue and apologizing and encouraging.

God is so, so, so, so, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOO good!!!

Hm...

I realize I'm sorely overdue for a catch up flurry of blog posts. But... I've decided to not do that tonight. I might not ever. Or I might not catch up, but rather start over again, picking up on day 70-something.

I've continued to write (the original purpose of this blog - to practice the discipline of writing regularly), but I disappointed myself with this particular project. I was beginning to write these postings because I felt obligated to. Now, granted, that was sort of the point! But what was NOT the point was for my personal devo time to be dictated by this blog. The blog was supposed to come out of my devos.

I've been restructuring my Bible reading lately - it's always a process! - and I've decided to focus on some other things, contrasted to publically journalling about it.

Like I said, I might come back. Or I might not. We'll see. For now, though, I'm going other directions.

071: Crazy Saul

April 27, 2010
1 Samuel 28

I think this passage of the Bible is kind of weird. Saul was kind of a weird guy anyhow, but why on earth did he go to this witch? Not too smart. He was “frantic with fear” it says, and I was thinking about how that makes us do weird (and often very stupid things).

I know I’ve done some stupid things, motivated by fear. I’ve said things to people I shouldn’t have said, I’ve made rash and risky decisions I should have considered longer. Most importantly, I’ve not rested and trusted God – instead I tend to find myself staring at the ceiling in my room in the middle of the night, not sleeping (again!) with my brain in overdrive thinking about some situation.

Why do we seem to have such a propensity as humans to NOT live in the present? We wander down the alleys and halls of our past, reliving moments, reenacting moves, restating memories and motives, trying to clearly communicate ourselves to… what? Our figment projection of someone in the past? They don’t live in our past. So why do we?

Saul seemed to need to do this. He says, “I have to talk to a man who has died.” Why? I think because he was re-walking through his past, rather then recognizing his present. Clearly he had issues – he just doesn’t seem to ever have a true perspective of God and who He is, and what God expects of Him. Instead, he gets consumed with killing David, fighting the Philistines, and generally letting his kingly-ness go to his head, I guess.

I don’t want to make the mistakes that Saul made. I don’t want to be reliving my past; I don’t want to find myself wishing I could go back to talk to a dead person. Or just to talk to someone in my past that isn’t a part of my present.

Sometimes the fact that we only have one life just impresses itself upon me. I don’t want to waste this life! I don’t want to settle for anything less than excellence… I don’t want to settle for anything less than the best.

May I run the race without being hindered. May I keep my eyes on Jesus and my energy in the present.

070: I will wait

April 26, 2010
Hebrews 3:14

I recently picked up my friend Bethany’s copy of LB Cowman’s book, “Streams in the Desert.” I only read a couple pages while I was waiting for her to order her coffee, and then I went home and ordered it off Amazon for myself. I absolutely LOVE this poem from March 5th:

“In the bitter waves of woe
Beaten and tossed about
By the sullen winds that blow
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast
To the things that cannot fail.

And fierce though the fiends may fight,
And long though the angels hide,
I know that truth and right
Have the universe on their side;
And that somewhere beyond the stars
Is a love that is better than fate.
When the night unlocks here bars,
I will see Him – and I will wait.”

by Washington Gladden.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the needs of the world around me and the hurt of my own heart. I know I have hope in Jesus, I know that He will bring justice to rule on the earth, and deal mercifully with the people who are faithful to Him. I know that He will work in my life and in the lives of the people around me to honor and glorify Himself and, ultimately, to bring beauty from these ashes, whether in this life or the next.

But sometimes I’m still discouraged. Sometimes I still feel beaten down and bruised and weak. Sometimes I don’t want to try to hold on any longer. It’s like when I fight with sticks at my martial arts class and my hands start to cramp from holding onto the sticks. I don’t want to hold on to them anymore, but I know if I let go I’ll be in much worse pain.

Why is it so hard to walk by faith sometimes?

Oh, Lord, help me to walk with my mind and attention and eyes fixed on You.

“The greatest challenge in receiving great things from God is holding on for the last half hour.”

069: Questions

April 25, 2010
Isaiah 25:1-26:19

I’m writing from a cruising altitude of 3800 feet. The sun is setting and turning the tip tops of the clouds an orange/pink hue. I’ve been praying over some events of the last weekend. I wish there was some way to let people see my heart and what I’m thinking without the use of words. I use words too loosely. They get in the way of what I’m trying to communicate. And then I think that if I just use more, I’ll make more sense.

Words are my tool of choice, but I’m also developing a healthy respect for them. They can cut so deeply. How strange that the one thing I tend to rely on to save and redeem my world is also what destroys it.

I’m contemplating words in friendship. And friendship in general. Why is it that sometimes the friendships I care about the most are the hardest to maintain and keep healthy? What is a healthy friendship? Is there a point that a Christian can walk away from friendship with another Christian without being disobedient to God’s command to be united? I really don't think I think so. I think Jesus probably wants us to press through the tough spots of friendship. I think he wants us to look at each other and realize that this is tough – it is difficult for two sinful creatures to be in a REAL relationship with each other, because they’re always going to not be able to fully understand each other, and they’re not going to want to deal with being offended and extending grace and working through differences. But despite the challenge, we are commanded by our King and Sovereign, our Savior, to make it work. It might require accepting that we just aren’t going to agree on some things. But we’ll continue to TRY to see the other person’s perspective.

The sky is so beautiful from up here. I wish I felt like my life – especially in the realm of friendship – was this beautiful also. But instead I feel like I’m far below the cloud layer, mired in the grey muck of too much rain, too many words, and too many miles, memories, misunderstandings, and mistakes.

Oh Jesus. Redeem this. Make something beautiful from it.

"I could tear you apart, but it won't break anything that we are,
We'll say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way.
We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change..."
- "All We Are" by OneRepublic

068: Marriage and Ministry

April 24, 2010
Psalm 45

“She won’t falter easy, she’ll be careful, she’ll be coy. Mmm. But still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy. Mmm. At the break of morning, the day awaits her as she sleeps. Mmm. Deep insider her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps…” - “If You Find Her” by Future of Forestry

My friend Hillary married what seems to be a cool guy named Jonathan today. I’m not particularly close to Hillary, we met on a trip in Morocco, but I always have felt very blessed by my interactions with her. She’s one of those women that I admire for her independence, her capabilities, her passion, her ambitions, and her heart for Jesus. She’s spent a good portion of the 2 years I’ve known her in Sudan and Kenya, changing the world one person at a time. That’s where she met Jonathan, and he pursued her pretty hardcore. They’ve had the challenge of long distance in their relationship, but they made it work, and Hillary got what she wanted: a man who respects and even needs her independent, capable spirit to minister cross-culturally.

I was sitting at the reception with my friend Lindsey, who is heading overseas herself here shortly, thinking about the conflicting desires of my heart: to marry and build a life with someone, and to go overseas and love on people. And then I realized that Hillary and Jonathan get both. They chose to marry someone who shares their love of loving a select people type. I think I want that for myself – a man who really, truly shares my passions and dreams of oversea life. And I’m ready, prepared, and acceptant of never having the marriage part if a guy who shares that passion doesn’t meet me.

I love how I can delight in my friends’ blessings and even live vicariously through them. Hillary and Jonathan, by every outward indication I have seen, seem to make a great pairing. I love that God does this – puts people together to serve Him – and that He allows us to witness it and be encouraged by it.

Congrats Hillary and Jonathan! May your marriage be a rich blessing to both of you, to the people around you, and to God as you love, honor, and respect Him!

067: Grow Up

April 23, 2010
1 Samuel 27

When one is eligible to receive benefits from their job, does that mean they should start to feel like an “adult”? Because if that’s the case, I fail! I don’t feel like an adult yet! I don’t exactly feel like a kid, nor even like a teenager (I suppose that’s a good thing, considering biological-age-speaking, I’m not either), but I think I’ve always equated adulthood with being, specifically, committed to another person. Not strictly in a romantic sense, although certainly that, but more so in a “I’m going to be home at such-and-such a time” and “What do you want for dinner?” kind of way. I certainly don’t do that.

But there are moments when I feel… oh, I’m not sure I’d label it “adult,” but I do feel “grown up.” Namely, when I’m meeting friends for sushi and discussing how to be good influences and role models and resources for those that are younger than us. When did we become so old that we’re worried about those following behind our metaphorical foot steps? And are we capable of it? I think so, but it’s something we’re going to have to be purposeful about.

I also feel those “grown up” moments when I start talking to people about Jesus in my life experiences and interpersonal relationships with others, and I can relate. In many ways I feel I’ve been sheltered in a freakishly crazy way due to various things about how I’ve grown up, but then when I can relate to someone about their heartache or their doubts or their fears, it’s a good thing.

Yesterday, after sushi with several friends, I was visiting with Mozambique-Gabe in the parking lot. He is going to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding next weekend, and was expressing some uncertainty as to what to expect. The only guy I’ve ever dated got married last year, and although I haven’t had any interaction with him in years, I still remember thinking it was just a little weird. Not in a bad way – I’m thrilled and happy for him and his bride – but still, weird. I was able to reassure Gabe that I’d be praying for him during the weekend and hoped he was encouraged by that.

It’s so silly, I think, how we sometimes fear things. I’m not sure if that is very “grown up” of us. David is scared enough of Saul that he goes to the enemies of the Israelites to hang out. Why did he do this??! Obviously, Saul was a bit of a psycho case – he’d already tried to kill David multiple times! – but he’d also failed every time. Did David really think that God would have been taking care of him for all those years just to forget to misguide the spear one last time? It just seems so crazy that David would go through so much with God at his side, and still be afraid of a crazy old man!

But then I realize how often I do that. I’ve had a good 17 years of walking with Jesus as my personal savior. At times I’ve wandered a distance off – always aware of Jesus’s location, but not always wanting to BE in that location with him, to my own detriment – but he’s always been faithful. Why do I sometimes doubt his love for me? His care of me? His plans for good things in my life? His ability to direct me as I need it and seek it from him? His complete truth as I need it in his word? Those are the moments when I know I have much growing up to do.

066: Be Still

April 22, 2010
Psalm 46:10

I got to my office this morning at 7AM, my usual arrival time. I checked email, responded to inquiries, planned 2 lessons, tried to upload grades to my online internal website. I also tried to get through some paper grading before running to my first class. During my half hour break, I ran into my boss in the hall and updated her on a few things in the classroom. I ran to the copy room to copy papers for my second class, and then I taught.

Because it’s Thursday, I ran to the local Christian high school during my lunch break to track down several basketball-shooting students for a much-dreaded (on their part) algebra tutoring session. I ran to my off-site class next and spent 20 minutes planning the next 2 hours and copying short stories and trying to read some papers (multi-tasking really doesn’t do much!). As soon as class was done, I went to a meeting on campus about my full-time benefits (EXCITING!), and then I ran to Target to pick up my brief list for this weekend (I’ve got a wedding in Colorado), before meeting a couple friends for a sushi-dinner meeting to plan for a missions-mobilizing event.

Then it was back to my office for me and working on grading papers and packets and entering them into the website until 10PM. I am utterly exhausted. I love my job – I love that it demands creativity and originality and hard work – but sometimes I exhaust myself. Between my job and my life, I seem to be doing horrible at that lesson I was trying to learn awhile ago about resting. I can feel my body on the edge of collapse – I’ve been running a fever the last couple of evenings – and yet still I think I need to press on. Why do I believe the world will stop if I cease to function?! I’m a little afraid of that answer…

But this verse is a good reminder for me right now: “Be still and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Not me, GOD. And even if I can’t do all my work, God will still be honored. God isn’t honored by my arrogant, self-righteous attitude that I have what it takes to make my life run smoothly… He’s honored by my submission and obedience to Him.

Oh, My God, that I might GET this!

065: Daniel

April 21, 2010
Daniel 1:17

On Wednesdays I tutor two middle schoolers I’m friends with – Mariah and Sam. I volunteer at their school during the lunch period on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, so I’m familiar with their daily environment, which makes it nice when we hang out once a week.

We spend our time going over pre-Algebra, drinking coffee or bubble tea, and make sly, witty jokes. Sam in particular has a wicked-funny sense of humor that you’d never really expect… until it jumps out at you and surprises you! Mariah is generally a very precocious and fun young woman. She’s one of my little sister’s friends, so it’s kind of entertaining to just sit back and observe her and her friendship from a distance.

I never, in a million years, would have thought someday I’d be tutoring and teaching math. All the way through school I hated the subject. I did take statistics and trig at the same time my very last quarter of my senior year, and that about did me in! I was not cut out for that much logical thought with no creative outlet along the way.

Daniel is one of my favorite books. I was skimming it again recently and was struck again by how the Bible explains that God blessed Daniel. Since I bear his name, I’ve always wanted to become like Daniel. He seems incredibly smart and talented and wise – I wish that those things were passed on with the name! Mostly, though, Daniel seems to me to be pure in heart. As a teenager he determined to not violate the laws of God, even when he was far away from his home and his support network and probably being held against his will for a job he never desired. How incredibly mature and disciplined he was! As a result, God blessed him and his other faithful friends with mathematical and literature aptitude, and granted Daniel the gift of interpreting dreams and vision… and God USED these men in their place for His own glory!

I wish I knew more about Daniel. Did he have brothers and sisters? Did he get married? I’ve always presumed not, simply because he probably was made a eunuch considering his place of service in the palace. What was it like for him to live among a pagan, foreign people? How his faith in God and love for God and trust in God must have been developed and strengthened through many long, arduous years of serving God in Babylon!

My prayer is that I will be a Daniel in my world.

064: The Mystery of the Missing

April 20, 2010
1 Samuel 24&25

If God is clear about what He says, I’d say that humans, naturally, are not. We have the potential to be, and I’d submit even the responsibility to strive for clear communication, but I don’t think it’s something that necessarily occurs to us to do just because. As we age and become socially adjusted, we learn to hide what we truly mean.

These two chapters from 1 Samuel are interesting to me not only because of David’s interaction with a wise, noble woman, but also because of how much dialogue there is and what the dialogue is saying. Do you notice that everyone seems to be referencing and referring to God throughout the passage? And yet I wonder, did they really pay that much heed to God on a regular basis? Obviously it was sort of a religious state (Israel, that is), but I wonder how much of their communication and references to God were habitual, and how much was actually pre-considered and, for lack of a better term, genuine?

In the communication realm, Abigail certainly stands out to me among biblical characters. She clearly knew how to handle communicating effectively. Her interaction with David is a humble approach and a full of blessings for him. I wonder what she said, exactly, to her husband the day after she delivered all the stuff to David and his men. Did she break it to him easy, or in a moment of frustration, did she blurt it out in anger?

I also find it very interesting that David proposes marriage to Abigail via messengers. How terribly unromantic! When my husband proposes to me – if I ever get married – I hope he puts some thought into making it a bit romantic and meaningful to the two of us, and also a complete surprise. Well, I guess that was true of Abigail – I doubt she really expected to be marrying David, especially since he already WAS married, but when she got the opportunity, she did jump on it. I wonder why? Was she desperate and needed someone to support her? From the way it sounds, Nahor was a fairly rich guy. You would think that Abigail would have been at least somewhat independent when he died. Did she come from a family she didn’t want to return to? Obviously, if her father had married her off to Nahor once, he might pick worse a second time. Or maybe she just had no family to return to. Was she older and didn’t think any chance of a better offer would come through? Since she did have kids later with David, I presume she wasn’t all that old. But she really seems eager to go become David’s fifth or seventh or something like that wife.

There’s so many questions left in my mind from reading my Bible… What have you been wondering about lately in your Bible reading?

063: Saying What You Mean

April 19, 2010
Deuteronomy 2&3

I know it’s been awhile since I wrote about something relating to 1 Samuel – I’ll get back to that tomorrow – but first I wanted to hit on this concept that I kept noticing in Deuteronomy today. As a side note, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a bit of a frog when it comes to reading the Bible: I sort of hop around a lot. I like to work my way through a book or two of the Bible, but it doesn’t have to be exclusive. Sometimes I find myself craving some gospel time, or some of Paul’s straightforward teaching, or I want to search out and meditate on a particular theme or passage pertaining to circumstances in my life. I’ll get through the book I’m actually “studying,” but it might not be the quickest route. Someday I might change it, but for now, I like how I approach Bible reading, it keeps it fresh and new and applicable in my life while still maintaining that I DO get to sections that I might not otherwise turn to, and since God doesn’t say that I have to read the Bible cover to cover, I figure I’m free to choose how to approach it.

What I find astonishing about these 2 chapters is how God and Moses interact. They clearly have a close relationship. Over and over the author reports, “God said…” and then quotes God’s conversation to Moses. I’m not sure I’m grasping that: Moses and God had conversations! I mean, of course I realize that I can (and do!) talk to God all the time through praying, and I do believe that God communicates to me through his Word and through the wisdom and insight of other people, and through circumstances and opportunities, and yes, even through that subject “intuition” I sometimes perceive, but I don’t actually have vocalized CONVERATIONS with God. I don’t usually say something, hear a voice saying something back, speak again, hear a response again, etc.

God, as we already know, disciplines the children that he loves and that he considers his own. He clearly loved Moses, because when Moses asks to enter the promise land, God clearly shuts him down over it. And yet, God isn’t without mercy and compassion – he allowed Moses to at least SEE the promise land, which he didn’t have to do.

I was having a conversation on IM tonight with a couple different people, but something I’ve realized and decided for myself is that – particularly in regard to text messaging and IMing – I try to avoid ellipses use. I do this because I feel like ellipses leave something unsaid… They don’t quite finish a thought… Which means the reader is free – and even obliged – to pick their own interpretation from the author’s ambiguity… (did you see how that worked? It makes you think you’re missing something or the author is saying a second meaning other than what they’re actually saying. Kind of frustrating, eh?) Particularly in the realm of guy/girl relationships, ellipses use seems to be in very close proximity to flirting. I don’t mind being able to employ flirting when I want, but I want to make sure I know that I’m flirting if I do. My goal is to not imply things I don’t mean when I communicate. The reason I want to be that way is because I look at interactions between God and people like Moses, and God doesn’t ever use ellipses in the Bible. He doesn’t leave things unsaid or implied. If he means to say something, he says it. I like that about God – he’s not hiding meanings or giving himself an escape route of “but I didn’t SAY that!” when confronted on an issue that has been implied. God just lets his words stand for themselves. I want to be like that.

062: Expectations

April 18, 2010
1 Corinthians 4&5

I had coffee with my friend Mollee today before church. She said something that was quite profound to me – she said: “There’s a fine line between expectations and grace.” I think that’s true.

As we were discussing, there are pros and cons to expectations. I think the benefits of expectations is the fact that when you have expectations of someone, you are invested in their life. If you don’t care about them, you have no expectations! But if you do care, then usually you want to see them become something better than what they currently are or do something different than what they currently do. In essence, you are creating a possibility for them in your head, a vision of sorts, and you want to see them attain that.

Unfortunately, people don’t always live up to our expectations of them, regardless of how invested in them we are, and then when they don’t meet our goals for them, we risk being disappointed.

As Mollee pointed out, though, perhaps rather than being disappointed, we should also consider the option of grace. Grace would be when a friend does something that I don’t think they should have done, but realizing that they are human and will fall short of my idealistic outlook on their life, so allowing them to be who they are, mistakes and all.

But there is also a place for disappointment. If people you see great potential in continue to disappoint you, maybe it’s not fair to them to keep extending grace, because often times (unfortunately!) grace makes us lazy. We know that we don’t HAVE to meet the expectations, so we don’t strive for it.

I think the challenge comes in how we handle expectations, disappointment, and grace – especially in communicating those things to each other. For example, do I have a right to be disappointed when I have expectations of someone that I have not clearly communicated? I’m not sure I do. Perhaps it’s not a bad idea for me to communicate that I AM disappointed, and explain that my expectations of them weren’t met, but then immediately show and express the fact that I realize it wasn’t fair of me, and I want to be gracious to them and ask them to be gracious to me.

But then again, I DO want to hold people to expectations, because I feel like sometimes we need to have people believe in us and hold us to higher standards. When we have failed and failed so many times that we’ve stopped believing in ourselves, it’s helpful to have someone who can come along side you and encourage you and convince you that you are capable and, in fact, should attain the potential you have.

But who do we do this to? And under what circumstances? And how closely do we carry it out and keep people accountable? I’m not sure…

061: Let's Get Physical

April 17, 2010
John 9:6, Luke 7:36-50, 8:40-56, 13:10-13, 14:1-6, 18:15-17,

Jesus performed a lot of miracles, but I was thinking about touch and the receptors our skin has to feel the pressure of other people’s pressure on our skin, and it caused me to browse through the gospels. I noticed that Luke refers to Jesus touching people quite frequently – I suppose that only makes since, given that he was a doctor himself and was probably somewhat more aware than the average person to the impact of physical touch.

I’m a touchy kind of person. I guess I guard it fairly well – our culture is not particularly touch-friendly, unless you’re with your significant other or among close friends. I generally keep my hands off and a reasonable (Bible length!) distance away from the male species, and I don’t ever touch my students or coworkers. Really, the only people I touch is my friends, strangers when I meet them (shaking hands), and perhaps small children I know when I’m playing with them. But I love touching people and being touched. (And no, I’m not talking weird, creepy touching, I’m just talking in general…)

My older sister is not a touchy person. She never has been. I can only remember a handful of times that she hugged me growing up. My Mom’s the same way. She’s engaged now, and Andrew is much more physically affectionate than she is, so she’s coming out of her shell a bit, but sometimes it still feels awkward and weird to hug her when she comes for a visit or when she’s leaving. My younger sister, on the other hand, is like me and totally comfortable with touching. We’ll sit on a six foot couch together, crammed into one corner with a whole side of our bodies touching while we talk, and neither of us mind it. In fact, I think we prefer it.

My big sister was home for the weekend and I was talking about this interesting little tidbit about me and the fact that I find myself CRAVING physical touch from SOMEone if I go a couple days without being hugged or having my shoulder squeezed or my head patted when I’m around people. My sister thought I was crazy. But then, as she began to understand more of where I was coming from, she did something I thought was really, really demonstrative of her love: she offered to give me a back rub. For a person who isn’t too keen on touching people or being touched, I thought it was incredibly generous of her to do it.

It also reminded me of Jesus. I don’t know how he felt about touching people. Maybe he wasn’t too in to it. But he was generous to touch people when he knew they needed it. Some of the “big” miracles of healing that he seems to do involves touching. I wonder if there is some kind of subtle message in that about the healing power of touch. They say that babies in orphanages don’t develop as well when they aren’t regularly touched by other humans. I think we NEED to touch people – or, at least, I do!

I try to hug my friends when I see them now. It’s a bit selfish, I realize, but I appreciate having that physical confirmation of the fact that they are in my presence, aware of my being, and willing to be vulnerable enough to make contact with me.

Go out and hug someone – they might just need it today!

060: Spiritual Slice'n'Dice

April 16, 2010
Matthew 7

I love Jesus’ talk to his disciples “on the mountainside.” I love mountains, and I love the direct, authoritative, straightforward way that Jesus dialogues. I find myself coming back to the gospels – and especially this section in Matthew – when I feel like I just need to hear what Jesus would say to me for where I’m at in life.

I read this chapter several times in the last 24 hours and I’ve been convicted by it on multiple levels. While I’m terrible about making up my mind on certain things (like what to order at a restaurant – I absolutely HATE that process), there are some things I can decide quickly on. Like how people should be doing things different in their lives. And how people are wrong in what their doing. And what I should say to them that would presumably fix all their problems if they would just LISTEN to me. Hm. Sound familiar? Like… Pride? Ugh.

There’s just so much in this chapter I wish I grasped better and REALLY integrated into my life. Does anyone else seem to struggle with this issue of amnesia as much as I do? “Do not judge others and you will not be judged.” That seems pretty straightforward, doesn’t it? Do I remember it? Uh, no. Not really. I do when other people are judging me, but when I’m judging others, I don’t.

“Keep on seeking and you will find…” Seems promising, doesn’t it? But do I remember to keep praying for the same thing? Or do I find myself giving up on asking God and instead growing bitter and resentful? That’s usually the case. I just disgust myself sometimes.

And then comes the killer: “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” I am ashamed to say that I don’t live that out. I speak sharply to friends, I ignore my family’s requests, I resent the inconvenience of other people, and yet I expect people to say kind things about me, I expect my family to want to fulfill my needs, and I expect others to be delighted to go out of their way for me – for the simple pleasure of serving.

When I read it and pay attention to it, I’m sobered and humbled, and driven to my knees when I read “Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.” AM I doing His will? AM I “[loving] the Lord [my] God with ALL [my] heart, ALL [my] soul, ALL [my] mind, and ALL [my] strength. I don’t think so.

Why does God still want me? Why does He value me and cherish me? Why does He keep working in my life to convict me and make me more like Himself? Why does He want to spend eternity with me? Why does He care?

I’m not sure. But I’m glad He does. And I’m EVER so thankful for His promise of new mercies every morning.

059: Naked Soul Friendships

April 15, 2010
1 Samuel 20

I know this was part of the readings 2 days ago, but I was just reading over this chapter again as I was thinking about a conversation I had with my friend Bethany tonight. Bethany rode down with me to my jiujitsu class, except I ended up being late picking her up, which meant I was going to be late to the class, and I hadn’t eaten anything, so after I dropped her off to spend time with her friends, I went to Subway and got a sandwich (I ate a whole footlong in about 7 minutes flat! That’s what I get for not eating for 9 hours during the day!) and read my Bible.

Bethany and I had a great chat on the way home, and we sat in her driveway for at least 45 minutes continuing to converse.

When I meet people who I just connect with and who seem to “get” me (see yesterday’s entry!), I feel SO blessed. Bethany is one of those people who is blessing me these days. We are similar in many ways – both adventurers, both missions-oriented, both second-children, both artistic, both readers, both journalers, both conversationalists, etc – and sometimes when she talks, I feel like she’s saying the words in my heart.

I think Jonathan and David probably had that kind of relationship – except Bethany and I have kind of just recently re-discovered each other. I think Jonathan and David might have started off where Bethany and I are – both soldiers, both responsible for things their fathers entrusted to them, both pure of heart – but their friendship became even stronger and more valuable to each other.

Bethany is an encourager, and sometimes I hate how badly I seem to need encouragement. As she was speaking to me in the car tonight, I had to blink back tears, just because her words were SO sweet to hear. I wonder, sometimes, if I’ll ever get OVER the need to find approval and be valued for who I am and what I have to contribute to any given situation. When people I care about and respect judge me and find me wanting, it’s crushing. Bethany was speaking life into a part of my soul that feels like it’s become a bit like hamburger meat.

I’m not sure there’s anything sweeter than praying with someone you love, especially when you’ve both barred your soul and shared yourself with the other person. I read a book once called “The Naked Soul” and I loved how it encouraged community and sharing and honesty and vulnerability with each other, and I longed for that in my life. In looking at my friendships with Bethany and Amber and Mollee and Kindra and Melanie and Adam and Bri and Sarah and my sisters, I can see how He has been providing that. He’s given me people who I feel comfortable being completely honest with, and it’s teaching me that honesty is really, really helpful for building those communities.

I am so thankful for “Naked Soul Friendships” right now. Even when I crave more companionship and more intimacy with people, I know that God has been richly blessing me.

058: The Value of Knowing

April 14, 2010
Matthew 22:15-22, 26:6-13

One of the things I love about Jesus is that he knows me. It’s a scary thing – knowing that the creator of the universe, the sovereign God, the time-transcending being who sees all with perfect clarity and understanding, KNOWS my thoughts, my motives, my actions, my words, my weaknesses – but it’s also comforting. It’s back to that whole intimacy thing. I want to be known. What I struggle with is the mindset that I have of, “If no one else knows me, at least Jesus does!” when I SHOULD have the mindset of, “It doesn’t matter if anyone else knows me, Jesus does!”

I’m convinced that most people probably feel the way I feel, even if they should be feeling the way I should feel.

I see this in my students a lot. Today one of my students had a rough day and wasn’t doing much to contribute toward his learning. He was also distracting the other students – and me – and I had to get after him about “good attention” versus “bad attention” (thank you, Uncle Scott for that lecture on repeat in elementary school!). I didn’t come down hard enough on him, and finally one of my other students snapped, and he blew up in response, and I had to kick him out, and it was a mess. But after he left, I had a good talk with the other students about learning styles and personality types, etc.

Since I’m a big fan of the Myers-Briggs/Jungian Typology, I was outlining the basic premises of how the four spectrums work. I explained that some people prefer to be around people, and thus they might learn better in a group setting where they can talk and joke while they learn. Others need more quiet and solitude to process information and make connections, and they don’t want to be in groups to learn.

I try to always provide examples for my students whenever I discuss these abstract theories, because I know that I grasp things better when I make tangible connections. Since this crew is used to each other, I try to use them as examples for themselves. One of my skater boys is an extrovert, while one of my new stay-at-home-mom’s is definitely an introvert. One of my ladies likes to work with crafty things, such as beadwork and sewing, and another of my boys was a great visionary and thinker.

I’ve done some analysis of my students before and asked them how close to the mark they felt I got, and the response has been absolutely overwhelmingly in favor of me doing these types of exercises. Today while I was talking about Blake, my skater boy, he was just beaming as I used him as an example. Even if my analysis isn’t completely accurate, my students still seem to love the idea that I care about them enough to TRY to know them.

I think maybe this is more significant than I think it is. People really feel loved and valued when you notice them, you notice their preferences or tendencies or quirks or strengths, and when you can address those with them specifically. I have a feeling Jesus was kind of detail oriented like that. I need to work on it more!

057: Jonathan

April 13, 2010
1 Samuel 18 & 20

Tonight at The Vine – the college/post college aged Bible Study/community group I attend – we were looking at Jonathan and his character. I’ve noticed Jonathan in the past, but tonight I was struck again by how much I’m impressed with him.

As the king’s oldest son, Jonathan was the crown prince, and thus could have (maybe even should have) felt entitled to authority, power, popularity, etc. But he had the vision of a bigger picture – the picture of what God was doing, more than just what he was doing.

I want to have that kind of vision in my life.

Jonathan saw that God was choosing to replace his family with David’s family, and rather than throw a fit about it – or just walk away, which he could have done – he chose instead to support and help what God was doing. He loved David and did whatever he could to support him, even when he had to choose between David and his own father.

Something that Amber said tonight was striking to me: she said that character is displayed both by what we do and by what we don’t do. I’ve heard character described as “who you are and what you do in the dark when no one is looking,” but I hadn’t thought about it in her terms before. I know that in my own life I’m very, very often of either not doing something when I should do it, or doing something when I shouldn’t.

I am challenged by Jonathan to consider more carefully what I should do or what I shouldn’t do. I want to be a woman of character, but far too often I say things I shouldn’t say, take up offense when I shouldn’t, think I’m entitled to something when I’m not, and demand rights I have no justification to demand.

Oh, how sick of myself I get sometimes! I’m just ready for Jesus to return – for my own selfish sake. But I know that when I look at the world and my life in the scope of God’s big picture, I need to be MORE eager to share Jesus with the people around me AND continue to be transformed by His work in my life.

I kind of just wish I could sit down and have a conversation with Jonathan sometime. Maybe I’ll ask him if he’d have coffee with me when I get to heaven someday.

056: God's Good Looking Servants

April 12, 2010
1 Samuel 16:1-13

Good looking people always intimidate me a little. I know a couple – their names are Cameron and Ashley – and they have got to be one of the best looking couples I’ve ever known. Cameron is tall, broad shouldered, tan, with perfectly styled hair, dimples, and striking eyes. Ashley is a tiny, petite little thing who looks about 15, with expertly applied make up, warm eyes, and a smile that would melt the hardest of hearts.

Together they’re like the perfect, ideal little high-school couple. Cam looks like the starting quarterback and Ash looks like the head cheerleader.

When I first met them, I thought to myself, “There is no way they can be as cool as they seem to project.” I’ve been known to be biased against really, really good looking people before. I feel like they probably always had things come fairly easily to them – because everyone tends to like nice looking people – and I figured that good looks exhibited a lack of character.

I think what’s cool about this passage in 1 Samuel is that God uses it to remind me that I really should not and cannot judge a book by its cover. I mean, I’m not sure I’m a highly looks-oriented person (expect , obviously, a prejudice against them!): I don’t own the latest styles, I know my hair always looks a little wild and wrong, I leave the house without makeup quite frequently, and my shoes are really atrocious. I am obviously not a “cool” or “in” person in a crowd. I tend to think that people who are good looking cannot possibly be in MY version of cool.

Cameron and Ashley defied that in my life, which just so happens to align with these verses. God uses people who are, by the world’s standards incredibly beautiful, just like he uses people with weird quirks (and let’s admit it, there are some quirky looking people out there…). God chose David, and David was a man after God’s own heart, AND incredibly good looking.

I don’t know why, but I just find that interesting. I guess it’s just a reminder, once again, that God can use anyone he wants to for his purpose… And, in fact, he uses everyone for his greater purpose – whether now or in the future. That’s a big thought for my little head tonight.

055: The Company of Hymns

April 11, 2010
1 Samuel 15

It’s strange to me how easily my emotions and feelings can change. Maybe strange isn’t the right word – it’s more like disturbing. I don’t like that my perspective on life can be so altered. I wish I was better at distancing myself from my feelings. It would be a lot easier, I think!

Tonight I’m in a bit of a funk. Fortunately, because of this modern, technological era I live in, communicating with people is never more than a text message away… and I have a couple friends who are texting addicts and I can usually count on them to respond to me fairly fast, thereby making me feel like SOMEone out there is tuning in to my frequency and is listening.

I just sent a four “page” (ie, 160 characters) text to my friend Adam, who has turned out to be a very gracious listener, about some current frustrations with myself after a phone conversation with someone. The gist of what I wrote was annoyance with the fact that what I WANT to want isn’t want I actually want, and I’m discontent about what I don’t have and irritated about what I’m NOT wanting, even though I want to want it.

After I texted him, I remembered something my African Dad once told me about: he’ll take a day or two or three to go out into the woods to spend time with Jesus. He takes water, his Bible, his journal, and a hymn book or song book.

Just this morning I was scribbling down some of my favorite hymns from my church’s hymn book, and just tonight I met with a couple other local songwriters and we were talking about lyrics with meaning, and just now I was reading 1 Samuel 15 which twice specifically references Samuel’s agony and grief over Saul’s actions and rejection of God’s commandments.

It all combined to make me think of one of my favorite hymns (I have a lot of these – get used to that phrase!) and the powerful lyrics that always seem to sooth my soul and encourage me through the reminder that someone, somewhere else in time probably felt some of the feelings I feel now. I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me to re-read the words of “Abide with Me”:

Abide with me: fast falls the eventide; The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide: When other helpers fail, and comforts flee, Help of the helpless, O abide with me!

Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day; Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away; Change and decay in all around I see: O Thou who changes not, abide with me!

I need Thy presence ev’ry passing hour: What by Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power? Who like Thyself my guide and stay can be? Thro’ cloud and sunshine, O abide with me!

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes; Shine thro’ the gloom, and point me to the skies: Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee – In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me!

054: Legacy

April 10, 2010
Proverbs 31:10-31

My Mom went to a funeral today of a woman who was the mother of one of her friends. Linda, my family’s friend, is a single mom of four kids living in inner-city Minneapolis loving on people and transforming her world one project at a time. I’ve always admired Linda – she has a PhD which, as a wanna-be academic, is just cool. But even more cool than her degree is the fact that she’s never married, but she chose to adopt four girls from Haiti and raise on her own. And almost as cool is that is the fact that she buys real estate at rock bottom prices because the property is just a mess – blood stains from murders, misshapen fences from where prostitutes leave their infant children to go have sex with their customers, etc – restores it, and either sells it or rents it out to upstanding citizens, so her neighborhood doesn’t have to be a typical inner-city neighborhood. That’s guts, gumption, and God-oriented vision!

Linda’s mom, from what my Mom was saying, sounded like she was cut from the same cloth as Linda. Her husband – Linda’s dad – had multiple sclerosis for 29 years, and Linda’s mom took care of him every day while raising their family. She couldn’t work, because she wanted to be home with her husband, so she bought and sold real estate on the side to support her family. She was a tough but fair business woman, she had an absolute open-door policy and made Sunday dinner for several families to come over after church each week, she had a van specially designed for her so she could take her husband with her anywhere she wanted to go, and she never once complained about getting the short end of the stick.

Her husband would come with her to the kids’ sporting events, he’d sit with the family every meal, even when he couldn’t eat the food they ate, and she made him an active and normal part of her life and her children’s life, despite his debilitating disease.

As my Mom was telling me all about this woman, I can’t help but be impressed. I hope that I can be half that kind of a woman – I hope I am servant-hearted, savvy, solid, and selfless like Linda’s Mom.

The Proverbs 31 woman, which always seems to be one of those “haunting characters” of Christianity, certainly seems to have been at least a similar type woman to Linda’s Mom. Clearly her nobility and character was something that warranted praise ALL the days of her life… and, in fact, well beyond.

Are you becoming the kind of person you want to be remembered as being after you die?

053: Mentors

April 9, 2010
1 Samuel 13:8-14

The story of Saul always kind of made me sad. It just doesn’t necessarily feel fair that he gets kicked out of the contender for the monarchy of Israel long term because he messed up a couple times. This is where my issues with grace come in – I know that God has lots of it, but when am I counting on too much?? I’m not sure.

As I just reread this passage, though, I was reminded of an excellent article I read today about mentoring. The author of this article relayed the story of how he came to be mentored by a man named Bill. He wanted a mentor, so he asked around his church and other Christian leaders in the community who they most felt exhibited the characteristics of Jesus. All of them said “Bill,” so the author approached Bill about being his mentor. Bill didn’t respond, instead he took a week or so to pray about it. When he came back to the author, he agreed to be the mentor with conditions:

They would meet every Tuesday morning at 5:30AM, and the first week of the month the author was to bring his checkbook and credit card statement and they’d go through his finances together to make sure he was honoring God with his finances. The second Tuesday, the author was to bring his calendar and they’d go through how he scheduled his time and make sure he was prioritizing the right responsibilities. Before the third week, Bill asked permission to call the author’s kids to hear their perspective on how their father was fathering them so they could talk about parenting at their weekly meeting. The fourth week of the month Bill got to call the author’s wife and hear her perspective on her marriage and what kind of husband the author was being, and then Bill would talk to the author at their morning meeting. If there was a fifth Tuesday of the month, Bill had permission to call the author’s boss and coworkers to ask about his work on the job.

Bill kept the author accountable when he was traveling by having the author have the front desk call him after they’d turned off pornographic channels to his room. Bill also got up an hour earlier on Tuesdays to pray for the author and the author’s family. But most impressive to me is the fact that the first week Bill and the author met, the author pulled out his checkbook and credit card statement, nervous about a couple things he’d bought that he didn’t feel like he really should have bought, and Bill pulled out his checkbook and credit card statement as well so they could go through it all together.

I think that the mark of a true mentor is what the author said of Bill: he never asked the author to do something that he wasn’t willing to do himself, and he never asked the author to change something he wasn’t first willing to change in his own life. It sounds like Bill was the kind of amazing mentor we wish we all could have – at least, I definitely wish I had someone like that in my life! But then I realized, rather than bemoaning that I don’t have someone like that to meet me weekly, I want to strive to become like that so someday I can be a blessing to someone like Bill is to the author.

I used to feel bad for Saul, but then I look at the potential for a great mentor that he had in Samuel. Should we not take a hold of the opportunities we have for growth? Whether there’s a mentor or not? Sure, Samuel wasn’t perfect or always present in Saul’s life, but that doesn’t mean Saul couldn’t have hung in there on his own awhile… Maybe I need to do that too.