The last few weeks have been pulling these various loose strings together.
My young adult's group that meets on Tuesday evenings has begun a series on The Bait of Satan, which is all about offenses. The first episode (a mere 20 minutes or so) was like a 3 hour long discussion between my heart and God and the speaker about the seeds of offense and bitterness in my life. It was like again and again the Holy Spirit whispered, "Hey, pay attention darlin'. These words are for you!" As the speaker talked about expectations and how bitterness results from disappointed expectations, I was like, "O, my God, forgive me! Help me!"
I don't want to be a person who builds walls in my life or other people's lives, in my heart or other people's hearts, by my bitterness, resentment, or offenses.
There have been 2 other relationships in my life in the past week where I've seen these lessons directly impacting. As I struggled through how to explain the teachings to people I love dearly - in hopes they would have the same moments of realization and desire to eradicate bitterness and resentment from their lives - it was like I was having to learn it all over again... Not EXPECTiNG them to get it, but just releasing them to learn or not learn what they would.
I've also been reading a book called "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado. I picked it up on Valentine's day at Powells. This week has been the first time I've really looked at it. It's changing my week. It might be changing my life!
The whole thesis is that, if we experience God's abundant love, and can recognize and glory in it, we will be free to give out that same kind of love to those around us, without expecting anything from them in return.
The part that just floored me was near the beginning when Lucado took 1 Corinthians 13 and demonstrated two drastically different things. First, he put his own name into the chapter and wrote, "Max is patient. Max is kind. Max doesn't envy or boast..." and confessed that those statements were absolute lies. Then he put Jesus's name in the quotation and I read, "Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. Jesus doesn't envy, Jesus doesn't boast..." and I realize how TRUE that was!
I've also had the opportunity to get to apply this very learning this week. Although my flesh is still weak and sensitive and refusing to let go of the memory of offense and and disappointment, I am absolutely determined to live like the Spirit of Jesus is within me (because it IS!). I will NOT be impatient. I will NOT be unkind. I will NOT be envious or boastful. I will NOT be proud or rude... I will NOT bear a record of wrongs against me (real or imagined!)."
I was crying tonight as I drove home from my office listening to Dana Glover's song "Thinking Over." It was the lyrics, "There are two roads to walk down, and one road to choose..." It was like God just showed me an image of myself looking at the two roads - one of those was MY way, where I could feed the hurt and muddle in self pity beyond any and all reasonableness from an imagined mistreatment, or I could walk with him down HIS road, and leave all that behind. I saw myself looking at the two, then taking Jesus's hand to walk down his road.
I'm not saying I'm perfect - far, far, FAR from it! A small part of me still wants to go down MY road! - but I am saying that I am blessed to have all these little things come together into one big idea: Jesus loves. Purely, Simply, Abundantly, Unrestrictedly. I not only WANT to do that, I also CAN do that, if I am loving out of HIS love. If I'm just letting it come in and go out - fill me up and overflow out the top.
Jesus loves ME so tremendously. This week alone he's been wooing me with gifts - free tires, free coffee, free bubble tea, free CDs, sunshine, etc. As I see that and learn to delight in it, it's wonderful to be so willing and ABLE to just let that love pour out of me - in the form of words and actions and service and patience and holding my tongue and apologizing and encouraging.
God is so, so, so, so, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOO good!!!
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