Hm...

I realize I'm sorely overdue for a catch up flurry of blog posts. But... I've decided to not do that tonight. I might not ever. Or I might not catch up, but rather start over again, picking up on day 70-something.

I've continued to write (the original purpose of this blog - to practice the discipline of writing regularly), but I disappointed myself with this particular project. I was beginning to write these postings because I felt obligated to. Now, granted, that was sort of the point! But what was NOT the point was for my personal devo time to be dictated by this blog. The blog was supposed to come out of my devos.

I've been restructuring my Bible reading lately - it's always a process! - and I've decided to focus on some other things, contrasted to publically journalling about it.

Like I said, I might come back. Or I might not. We'll see. For now, though, I'm going other directions.

071: Crazy Saul

April 27, 2010
1 Samuel 28

I think this passage of the Bible is kind of weird. Saul was kind of a weird guy anyhow, but why on earth did he go to this witch? Not too smart. He was “frantic with fear” it says, and I was thinking about how that makes us do weird (and often very stupid things).

I know I’ve done some stupid things, motivated by fear. I’ve said things to people I shouldn’t have said, I’ve made rash and risky decisions I should have considered longer. Most importantly, I’ve not rested and trusted God – instead I tend to find myself staring at the ceiling in my room in the middle of the night, not sleeping (again!) with my brain in overdrive thinking about some situation.

Why do we seem to have such a propensity as humans to NOT live in the present? We wander down the alleys and halls of our past, reliving moments, reenacting moves, restating memories and motives, trying to clearly communicate ourselves to… what? Our figment projection of someone in the past? They don’t live in our past. So why do we?

Saul seemed to need to do this. He says, “I have to talk to a man who has died.” Why? I think because he was re-walking through his past, rather then recognizing his present. Clearly he had issues – he just doesn’t seem to ever have a true perspective of God and who He is, and what God expects of Him. Instead, he gets consumed with killing David, fighting the Philistines, and generally letting his kingly-ness go to his head, I guess.

I don’t want to make the mistakes that Saul made. I don’t want to be reliving my past; I don’t want to find myself wishing I could go back to talk to a dead person. Or just to talk to someone in my past that isn’t a part of my present.

Sometimes the fact that we only have one life just impresses itself upon me. I don’t want to waste this life! I don’t want to settle for anything less than excellence… I don’t want to settle for anything less than the best.

May I run the race without being hindered. May I keep my eyes on Jesus and my energy in the present.

070: I will wait

April 26, 2010
Hebrews 3:14

I recently picked up my friend Bethany’s copy of LB Cowman’s book, “Streams in the Desert.” I only read a couple pages while I was waiting for her to order her coffee, and then I went home and ordered it off Amazon for myself. I absolutely LOVE this poem from March 5th:

“In the bitter waves of woe
Beaten and tossed about
By the sullen winds that blow
From the desolate shores of doubt,
Where the anchors that faith has cast
Are dragging in the gale,
I am quietly holding fast
To the things that cannot fail.

And fierce though the fiends may fight,
And long though the angels hide,
I know that truth and right
Have the universe on their side;
And that somewhere beyond the stars
Is a love that is better than fate.
When the night unlocks here bars,
I will see Him – and I will wait.”

by Washington Gladden.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the needs of the world around me and the hurt of my own heart. I know I have hope in Jesus, I know that He will bring justice to rule on the earth, and deal mercifully with the people who are faithful to Him. I know that He will work in my life and in the lives of the people around me to honor and glorify Himself and, ultimately, to bring beauty from these ashes, whether in this life or the next.

But sometimes I’m still discouraged. Sometimes I still feel beaten down and bruised and weak. Sometimes I don’t want to try to hold on any longer. It’s like when I fight with sticks at my martial arts class and my hands start to cramp from holding onto the sticks. I don’t want to hold on to them anymore, but I know if I let go I’ll be in much worse pain.

Why is it so hard to walk by faith sometimes?

Oh, Lord, help me to walk with my mind and attention and eyes fixed on You.

“The greatest challenge in receiving great things from God is holding on for the last half hour.”

069: Questions

April 25, 2010
Isaiah 25:1-26:19

I’m writing from a cruising altitude of 3800 feet. The sun is setting and turning the tip tops of the clouds an orange/pink hue. I’ve been praying over some events of the last weekend. I wish there was some way to let people see my heart and what I’m thinking without the use of words. I use words too loosely. They get in the way of what I’m trying to communicate. And then I think that if I just use more, I’ll make more sense.

Words are my tool of choice, but I’m also developing a healthy respect for them. They can cut so deeply. How strange that the one thing I tend to rely on to save and redeem my world is also what destroys it.

I’m contemplating words in friendship. And friendship in general. Why is it that sometimes the friendships I care about the most are the hardest to maintain and keep healthy? What is a healthy friendship? Is there a point that a Christian can walk away from friendship with another Christian without being disobedient to God’s command to be united? I really don't think I think so. I think Jesus probably wants us to press through the tough spots of friendship. I think he wants us to look at each other and realize that this is tough – it is difficult for two sinful creatures to be in a REAL relationship with each other, because they’re always going to not be able to fully understand each other, and they’re not going to want to deal with being offended and extending grace and working through differences. But despite the challenge, we are commanded by our King and Sovereign, our Savior, to make it work. It might require accepting that we just aren’t going to agree on some things. But we’ll continue to TRY to see the other person’s perspective.

The sky is so beautiful from up here. I wish I felt like my life – especially in the realm of friendship – was this beautiful also. But instead I feel like I’m far below the cloud layer, mired in the grey muck of too much rain, too many words, and too many miles, memories, misunderstandings, and mistakes.

Oh Jesus. Redeem this. Make something beautiful from it.

"I could tear you apart, but it won't break anything that we are,
We'll say our goodbyes, you know it's better that way.
We won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change..."
- "All We Are" by OneRepublic

068: Marriage and Ministry

April 24, 2010
Psalm 45

“She won’t falter easy, she’ll be careful, she’ll be coy. Mmm. But still she paints her heart among the musings of a boy. Mmm. At the break of morning, the day awaits her as she sleeps. Mmm. Deep insider her dreams is all the beauty that she keeps…” - “If You Find Her” by Future of Forestry

My friend Hillary married what seems to be a cool guy named Jonathan today. I’m not particularly close to Hillary, we met on a trip in Morocco, but I always have felt very blessed by my interactions with her. She’s one of those women that I admire for her independence, her capabilities, her passion, her ambitions, and her heart for Jesus. She’s spent a good portion of the 2 years I’ve known her in Sudan and Kenya, changing the world one person at a time. That’s where she met Jonathan, and he pursued her pretty hardcore. They’ve had the challenge of long distance in their relationship, but they made it work, and Hillary got what she wanted: a man who respects and even needs her independent, capable spirit to minister cross-culturally.

I was sitting at the reception with my friend Lindsey, who is heading overseas herself here shortly, thinking about the conflicting desires of my heart: to marry and build a life with someone, and to go overseas and love on people. And then I realized that Hillary and Jonathan get both. They chose to marry someone who shares their love of loving a select people type. I think I want that for myself – a man who really, truly shares my passions and dreams of oversea life. And I’m ready, prepared, and acceptant of never having the marriage part if a guy who shares that passion doesn’t meet me.

I love how I can delight in my friends’ blessings and even live vicariously through them. Hillary and Jonathan, by every outward indication I have seen, seem to make a great pairing. I love that God does this – puts people together to serve Him – and that He allows us to witness it and be encouraged by it.

Congrats Hillary and Jonathan! May your marriage be a rich blessing to both of you, to the people around you, and to God as you love, honor, and respect Him!

067: Grow Up

April 23, 2010
1 Samuel 27

When one is eligible to receive benefits from their job, does that mean they should start to feel like an “adult”? Because if that’s the case, I fail! I don’t feel like an adult yet! I don’t exactly feel like a kid, nor even like a teenager (I suppose that’s a good thing, considering biological-age-speaking, I’m not either), but I think I’ve always equated adulthood with being, specifically, committed to another person. Not strictly in a romantic sense, although certainly that, but more so in a “I’m going to be home at such-and-such a time” and “What do you want for dinner?” kind of way. I certainly don’t do that.

But there are moments when I feel… oh, I’m not sure I’d label it “adult,” but I do feel “grown up.” Namely, when I’m meeting friends for sushi and discussing how to be good influences and role models and resources for those that are younger than us. When did we become so old that we’re worried about those following behind our metaphorical foot steps? And are we capable of it? I think so, but it’s something we’re going to have to be purposeful about.

I also feel those “grown up” moments when I start talking to people about Jesus in my life experiences and interpersonal relationships with others, and I can relate. In many ways I feel I’ve been sheltered in a freakishly crazy way due to various things about how I’ve grown up, but then when I can relate to someone about their heartache or their doubts or their fears, it’s a good thing.

Yesterday, after sushi with several friends, I was visiting with Mozambique-Gabe in the parking lot. He is going to his ex-girlfriend’s wedding next weekend, and was expressing some uncertainty as to what to expect. The only guy I’ve ever dated got married last year, and although I haven’t had any interaction with him in years, I still remember thinking it was just a little weird. Not in a bad way – I’m thrilled and happy for him and his bride – but still, weird. I was able to reassure Gabe that I’d be praying for him during the weekend and hoped he was encouraged by that.

It’s so silly, I think, how we sometimes fear things. I’m not sure if that is very “grown up” of us. David is scared enough of Saul that he goes to the enemies of the Israelites to hang out. Why did he do this??! Obviously, Saul was a bit of a psycho case – he’d already tried to kill David multiple times! – but he’d also failed every time. Did David really think that God would have been taking care of him for all those years just to forget to misguide the spear one last time? It just seems so crazy that David would go through so much with God at his side, and still be afraid of a crazy old man!

But then I realize how often I do that. I’ve had a good 17 years of walking with Jesus as my personal savior. At times I’ve wandered a distance off – always aware of Jesus’s location, but not always wanting to BE in that location with him, to my own detriment – but he’s always been faithful. Why do I sometimes doubt his love for me? His care of me? His plans for good things in my life? His ability to direct me as I need it and seek it from him? His complete truth as I need it in his word? Those are the moments when I know I have much growing up to do.

066: Be Still

April 22, 2010
Psalm 46:10

I got to my office this morning at 7AM, my usual arrival time. I checked email, responded to inquiries, planned 2 lessons, tried to upload grades to my online internal website. I also tried to get through some paper grading before running to my first class. During my half hour break, I ran into my boss in the hall and updated her on a few things in the classroom. I ran to the copy room to copy papers for my second class, and then I taught.

Because it’s Thursday, I ran to the local Christian high school during my lunch break to track down several basketball-shooting students for a much-dreaded (on their part) algebra tutoring session. I ran to my off-site class next and spent 20 minutes planning the next 2 hours and copying short stories and trying to read some papers (multi-tasking really doesn’t do much!). As soon as class was done, I went to a meeting on campus about my full-time benefits (EXCITING!), and then I ran to Target to pick up my brief list for this weekend (I’ve got a wedding in Colorado), before meeting a couple friends for a sushi-dinner meeting to plan for a missions-mobilizing event.

Then it was back to my office for me and working on grading papers and packets and entering them into the website until 10PM. I am utterly exhausted. I love my job – I love that it demands creativity and originality and hard work – but sometimes I exhaust myself. Between my job and my life, I seem to be doing horrible at that lesson I was trying to learn awhile ago about resting. I can feel my body on the edge of collapse – I’ve been running a fever the last couple of evenings – and yet still I think I need to press on. Why do I believe the world will stop if I cease to function?! I’m a little afraid of that answer…

But this verse is a good reminder for me right now: “Be still and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Not me, GOD. And even if I can’t do all my work, God will still be honored. God isn’t honored by my arrogant, self-righteous attitude that I have what it takes to make my life run smoothly… He’s honored by my submission and obedience to Him.

Oh, My God, that I might GET this!

065: Daniel

April 21, 2010
Daniel 1:17

On Wednesdays I tutor two middle schoolers I’m friends with – Mariah and Sam. I volunteer at their school during the lunch period on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, so I’m familiar with their daily environment, which makes it nice when we hang out once a week.

We spend our time going over pre-Algebra, drinking coffee or bubble tea, and make sly, witty jokes. Sam in particular has a wicked-funny sense of humor that you’d never really expect… until it jumps out at you and surprises you! Mariah is generally a very precocious and fun young woman. She’s one of my little sister’s friends, so it’s kind of entertaining to just sit back and observe her and her friendship from a distance.

I never, in a million years, would have thought someday I’d be tutoring and teaching math. All the way through school I hated the subject. I did take statistics and trig at the same time my very last quarter of my senior year, and that about did me in! I was not cut out for that much logical thought with no creative outlet along the way.

Daniel is one of my favorite books. I was skimming it again recently and was struck again by how the Bible explains that God blessed Daniel. Since I bear his name, I’ve always wanted to become like Daniel. He seems incredibly smart and talented and wise – I wish that those things were passed on with the name! Mostly, though, Daniel seems to me to be pure in heart. As a teenager he determined to not violate the laws of God, even when he was far away from his home and his support network and probably being held against his will for a job he never desired. How incredibly mature and disciplined he was! As a result, God blessed him and his other faithful friends with mathematical and literature aptitude, and granted Daniel the gift of interpreting dreams and vision… and God USED these men in their place for His own glory!

I wish I knew more about Daniel. Did he have brothers and sisters? Did he get married? I’ve always presumed not, simply because he probably was made a eunuch considering his place of service in the palace. What was it like for him to live among a pagan, foreign people? How his faith in God and love for God and trust in God must have been developed and strengthened through many long, arduous years of serving God in Babylon!

My prayer is that I will be a Daniel in my world.