Acne, Attitudes, and the Attentive Almighty

It's been months since my last post on this blog, but that doesn't mean I haven't been "safari-ing" along... I think one of my favorite things about following God is that I never STOP growing and learning and being on this adventure.  I pray I never do - stagnation and hardening are not high on my "to do" list for life.

In reality, this particular post that I'm about to type has been forming for months - maybe years.  Just this past week I've found myself changing ever-so-slightly (but definitely significantly!) in ways that have been EVER-so-long in developing.  Sometimes it seems like I'm not even aware of the depths of an issue in my heart or the process that's underway until it's become so significant I can't overlook it any more - which is usually quite a long time into it!

Anyhow, I'm philosophizing when I should just be sharing.

Acne has changed my life.

You might laugh, or quirk an eyebrow in astonishment or disbelief, or make some kind of expression of surprise or humor.  Feel free.  I'll wait.  But I'm serious.  Some things just do, and acne is one for me.

I first developed acne on my face about the time that many people who get acne do - when I became a teen (maybe a year or two earlier for me - so I was an early bloomer, what can I say?).  It started with a red mark here or there, which changed into bigger red marks and picking (sorry, I know this is gross, but there really is something inherently satisfying about squeezing zits.  Just go to any summer camp for proof - they make skits up about it, because it's something practically every teen can relate to!), first in the "T" zone, and then all over my face.

My mom had acne when she was in high school, so I assumed it was hereditary.  Mom tried to get me to wait it out and let it pass, but when I was 17 (5 years into the acne struggle), I asked her if we could go to a dermatologist and try to figure something out.

I can't really remember if there was any one incident that made me feel like acne was ugly and undesirable - I do remember babysitting for a family once and in their childish innocence, I accidentally interrupted a conversation between two of the kiddos talking about my face.  One of them said to the other, "What's wrong with Dani's face?" and the other said, "I don't know, maybe she has chicken pox."  When they saw me approaching, they asked me, "What happened to your face? Why do you have red marks all over it?"  I was embarrassed and tried to explain to them that sometimes, when you become a teenager, it just happens.  That interaction only reinforced my feeling that I was unattractive -even to little kids! - and associated with sickness and illness and infectious diseases because of my skin.

When I went to the doctor about my skin (and then another... and then another...), I was told that I needed to go on Accutane.  It was amazing stuff in the sense that it did clear up my skin - just in time for my senior photos, too!  When I looked at the pictures of myself, I remember thinking with surprise, "I am not ugly!"  My face was clear and I looked like the senior girls I had looked up to all through middle school and high school as THE epitome of maturity and health and youthful beauty.

But the clear skin didn't last.  After about 7 months, I started to break out again.  I went back to my dermatologist and was told that I might need to go back on Accutane.  So I did.  Again and again and again.  Six times in total.

Accutane is not the easiest drug to be on.  As a girl, I had to have negative pregnancy tests every month (Accutane leads to severe birth defects if a woman gets pregnant while on it), which was awkward for someone committed to abstinence and sexual purity to have to go through, but I also had to have blood draws every month to check how my liver was functioning, and my doctor had to check to make sure I wasn't growing a brain tumor each month as well.  All of this was hard enough to do in the USA, but I also tried to figure out how to do it in Italy when I was going to school over there!

My parents' lost their job when I was almost 21, and along with that, they couldn't continue to cover themselves and their employees with medical insurance.  My mom was able to go back to work after 3 months of not having any income, and she did get good medical coverage with her new job, but that time made me realize how expensive Accutane is to be on, and I started to think about how I was going to have to pay a LOT of money out of pocket if I was going to keep going back on it.

When I got medical insurance through my job, after I graduated from college, I went to my Kaiser dermatologist to see if I could start the process of going back on Accutane.  He encouraged me to try alternatives - topical Retin-A gel, an antibiotic lotion, and an internal antibiotic.  He didn't want to put me back on Accutane because he thought it became less effective every time, and obviously going back on it wasn't a long term solution.  He also suggested birth control, but because I don't want to superimpose a hormonal regulation of my cycle, I declined that route.  I was on the antibiotic regiment for 10 months without any changes in my skin.

Last December, I decided to try ProActive after the encouragement of my regular doctor.  I was on it for 8 weeks and my face broke out in dry, painful patches of peeling skin.  I think the chemicals were just too harsh for it.

Then I tried a load of homeopathic options - essential oils, oil cleanses, changes in diet (no sugar, gluten, or dairy) for a few months, and nothing worked, if anything, over the course of not being on the antibiotic, my acne developed into larger, more painful inflammations on my jaw line and cheeks.

Finally, desperate, I went back to my old dermatologist and asked if there was any alternatives he could give me besides Accutane and birth control.  He suggested another hormonal option (non contraceptive), but told me he really thought I just needed to go back on Accutane.

I wasn't opposed to going back on it, but I felt like I was in a quandary: first, I don't like to just treat the symptoms and cover up the cause.  Clearly, Accutane has not yet treated the actual cause of my acne - it's only treated the symptoms and masked the problem for a period of time, repeatedly (and the acne keeps coming back!); second, I don't want to go on something that is actually potentially harmful to my body - all of the monthly checks seem to indicate that there is a degree for damage and risk in taking Accutane; and third, I really don't want to go on birth control (for a number of reasons I won't get in to here), and even though I might be able to go on Accutane again for now... or next year or the year after or whatever, by all indications, it seems like going that route will mean that I need to KEEP going back on Accutane, and at some point, I assume I'll get married, I can't be on Accutane without being on oral contraceptives or some other form of hormonal birth control.

Accutane just didn't seem like the solution to a problem that's been going on for 12 years.

So I sought a naturopath - a Christian naturopath.  He encouraged me to consider if there were any spiritual or emotional things that might be contributing to my acne, beyond just the physical, and he got me on several herbal supplements.  They seemed to help for the first 2 weeks, then plateaued and didn't seem to improve my skin.  After another visit with him a few weeks ago - and a complete change in supplements with a new focus related to supporting my immune system and trying to keep my blood sugar levels in balance - I reach the present in my story, where I still have acne that isn't significantly different than it's been for the past 2 or 3 months.

I don't think I can even try to describe the emotional rollercoaster that this struggle has felt like.  I know it's not a major thing - it's just skin - and I know that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but I'm not kidding, there have been countless sessions of frustrated crying, trying different make up techniques, buying different products, even arguments between my wonderful boyfriend and me over these past 6 months as I've been self conscious of scabs on my face or not wanting to go out in public after a grueling day or week of trying to put up a brave front and pretend that I wasn't affected by my skin.  Gabe has assured me time and time again that my skin isn't what's important - that he thinks I'm beautiful regardless of how I look, but I still hate my face.

This week I went to the beach for a solitary retreat.  I took a book with me called "Lies Women Believe."  I also got sunburned the weekend prior, particularly my forehead and nose, so my face was sort of shot.  I was peeling and red and make up wasn't looking good because it was just getting clumped in peeling skin or scabs.  The day I was preparing to come home, I tried to put make up on and ended up in tears.

I left the bathroom mirror and went out to the kitchen to put away dishes, and it was like the dam broke.  I found myself slamming cupboard doors as I put away dishes and sobbing and saying aloud, "What do you want from me, God?  Why can't you just fix my face?  I've tried everything I can think of, I'm trying to be a good steward of my body and do this the non-damaging way, I've dealt with this for 12 years, and you're the only thing I can think of that will make this improve.  I've prayed and prayed and prayed for years that you would clear my skin, and you aren't doing it!  How can you not see how much this hurts me?  Why do you not step in?  Where are you?  Why don't you love me enough to just make it better?"

And I realized, as I was saying this (I might have even been shouting!), that these words coming out of my mouth were reflections of lies that I'd just been reading about in the book.  Lies like:

- God doesn't love me
- God doesn't listen to me
- God doesn't care about me
- God isn't enough for me
- My external appearance is what is beautiful and important
- God cannot be trusted
- I have a right to have my own way

When I saw them in that light - and had the truth that the book had pointed out to combat them - I had to make the difficult choice to believe the truth, not the lies.  It wasn't difficult in the sense that I didn't want to believe truth; believe me, in no way do I want to be believing lies!  But it was difficult in the sense that I truly, truly was believing these lies, and I had to step in with every one and keep reminding myself of what God's word says... ALL day!

Truths like:

- God does love me - so much that he was willing to die for me
- God does listen to me - my relationship with him is based on Jesus Christ and the work Jesus did at the cross to take the punishment for my sins
- God does care about me - he made me and knew every moment of my life before I was even conceived
- God is enough for me - God provides all the love, security, loyalty, and worth I could ever desire
- My body is only a temporary home for my soul - who I am is not what I look like.  My heart and character can be beautiful, regardless of what my skin is doing
- God can be trusted - he has redeemed my soul from death and has given my life and gifts and blessings in abundance
- I do not have a right to have things go my way - which includes looking the way I want to look.  All of my rights are owned by God - I am like a slave.  He gets total decision making authority in every aspect of my life.

As I was driving back from the beach and praying and crying, asking God to help me sort through these lies and hold on to truth, I felt like God said (very kindly but urgently) to my heart, "Dani, I love you.  You are more precious to me than you can even imagine.  Will you trust me?  Will you trust that I'm doing something good in you? Will you trust that I let nothing happen in your life - no circumstances, no break outs, no conversations, NO thing - that I don't have a plan for that will make you more like me?  I want you to be at peace, and the only way you will be at peace is if you surrender your heart - hurt though it may be, unsatisfied though it is - to me.  You have the choice, I will not make you, but I'm asking you to give me your desires for clear skin and let me do what I will with it."

Needless to say, that got my attention.  For the rest of the drive home, after I said, "OK, Lord - here's my heart.  I do desire that my skin would be clear - you know I desire that - but I desire what you want more than what I want.  If you have purposes and reasons - whether I understand them or not - for me to have acne, I accept them.  And Father, I thank you for them too, because I know you aren't leaving my heart to hurt for no reason.  You are doing something good, because you are good, and all your ways are good," I had peace.

In fact, I began to see different reasons for why God might have given me the gift (yes, you read that right, the gift) of acne: perhaps He did it so I can sympathize with people who have physical issues their hearts are hurting over (2 Corinthians says that God comforts us so that we can comfort others) - perhaps this will even be in my own family, as my little brother and sister are in their early teens and have acne.  Maybe I'll get to be an encouragement to them and be able to actually walk with them through learning to trust God, even about our acne.  Maybe I will be able to better see the heart of people and be able to give a testimony to how God reminded me that my external appearance is not what determines my worth - and that I'll be able to walk out knowing I am loved and valued and cherished, despite having something the world often sees as a "blemish" or a "flaw."  Or perhaps God is letting me learn and practice on a "little" thing how to keep my eyes fixed on God and to give thanks in ALL/any/whatever circumstances, since someday I might be entrusted with a more difficult trial and I will need to be practiced and have a framework to come back to for it.

Whatever the case, miraculously (seriously - it IS a miracle!), yesterday morning I found myself prayer journaling, "Lord, thank you for the work you have done in my heart this week - thank you for reminding me of your goodness and kindness and how much you love me.  Thank you for blessing me with acne and for walking my heart through hurts - you are so gracious, Holy God.  Help me be compassionate and kind like you, Jesus.  Help me be a blessing to others and an advocate for truth."

I know that I might continue to struggle with this for awhile - this attitude of thankfulness, even in my acne - and I know that the idea of significant events and facing them with a face full of blemishes is still daunting to me.  My mind is quick to jump to "What if's...?" like, "What if I have acne for the rest of my life?  What if I can't get make up to cover up my blemishes on my wedding day?  What if my students laugh at me and think less of me because I'm a teacher that is dealing with something everyone else dealt with in high school?  What if the acne gets worse during hormonal changes in my life - like if I ever have children or when I go through menopause?" but I am choosing (today) to say to my mind, "Stop! Go no farther.  My Father in Heaven is a GOOD God.  He loves me.  He gives me what I need each day - in provision, in growth opportunities, in grace.  He will not give me anything that is not for my good, or anything beyond what he will help me to handle, or anything that is wasting my time and without purpose.  I am going to build my life on that truth."

I will probably have to make that decision every day - perhaps for a very long time, or even the rest of my life - but I hope that someday it will become habitual when it comes to this particular issue, at least! :)

So that is the most recent heart-journey I've been on.  It's one that I started years ago, and I'm not over it yet, but I feel like God has brought me to the top of a vantage point and is letting me see where I have been, so I have a better understanding to hold on to of who he is and how he is preparing me for whatever comes next on this journey.

My acne isn't gone - but I don't even mind that it isn't.  It is an ever-present reminder that God gives gifts in all forms, and that nothing that comes from him is NOT a gift - everything is something he uses as an agent of refinement.  And I find myself filled with joy that I have this gift - a teenage skin issue - that I have been entrusted with as an adult so I could learn deeper truths about God through it.

And now I'm curious - are there things that you find yourself wishing were different about yourself?  Can I pray for God to help you see the blessing of it?  Feel free to leave a comment below!

Mount Angel

I realize it's been half of a very long time since I posted on this site, and I'll skip over the apologies and simply give my reason: I've been busy. I haven't completely stopped blogging, I've just been doing it predominantly in other spheres (like in my relationship blog).

However, this post will be short and sweet and applicable to this blog.

I spent a few days at Mt. Angel Abbey this past week. It was glorious. This picture seems to portray the serenity of the place. I google searched for an abbey within driving distance, and I emailed them to find out if I could arrange for a private retreat. They were incredibly accommodating. I had a private room and bath, and nobody bothered me an iota. As proof, I slept nearly 18 hours the first day I was there.

I went because I wanted to make a conscious effort to get away from my routines, turn off my phone, and spend time with Jesus. I took my bible, a journal, my daily devotional book, and a book by my friend Bill Mills titled, "Adequate." It was SO what God had put in my path!

I finished Exodus, read through all of Leviticus, and started on Numbers while I was there too.

Leviticus, for the first time, left me with the predominant impression that the book is about God revealing his heart and character and holiness through the law, and those being beautiful and good, rather than the book being about a long list of dos and don'ts. I loved it! Every chapter seemed to just shout at me, "I am God! I am YOUR God! I am holy, altogether different than you - and that's an intentional thing. This is who I am - this is my heart, this is my character. I cannot compromise my holiness, and as a result, I'm going to tell you exactly what is acceptable and what is not. I want you to know this, so that you can choose to do the acceptable thing, so that I can bless you. I WANT to bless you! I love you! I want you to know me as I know you! But I am holy. I absolutely must not be treated as common - I can't compromise who I am."

It was beautiful.

I think my days at the abbey highlighted and reinforced how God desires intimacy with us - with me. 20 minutes most mornings just isn't cutting it for God's heart - nor for mine, if I'm honest. God pursues us - in the garden of Eden in the cool of the evening, after Adam and Eve sinned and where hiding... the list goes on and on, and I see in my own life how God pursues me.

I would highly recommend an abbey trip to anyone who is seeking to reevaluate or deepen their relationship with our God.

Melting

I've become a "melting" sort of person, which has got me thinking. To preface that statement, I need to explain that I'm often cold. My hands and feet tend to be chilled. I'd guess approximately 90% of the awake hours I spend, one of my appendages are at least cool. It's just a part of life, for me, and it doesn't usually bother me. I compensate by keeping a sweater on hand.

I also have been considerably warmer since I started dating Gabe. Gabe is diametrically opposite of me in this sense. He's always on the verge of overheated. This is very convenient for me. My hands are always warm when I hold his hands (or, at least whichever one is holding his hand), and my feet have sort of a magnetic attraction to him. Whether we're eating dinner at his family's table, watching a movie, or just chatting, he's always very accommodating to let met tuck my toes under his legs to warm up.

It's a joke among his family now that I "melt" within 5 minutes of sitting down next to Gabe. It's probably true. He's like a heater next to me and I find that almost irresistible! Get a blanket over me (never over him - he'd probably spontaneously combust!), and my head on his shoulder, and I'm pretty much as formless as a cube of butter left in the sunshine for a few hours.

I was thinking about how I wish my HEART was more of a melting kind of heart in terms of God. I wish I found his character and stories of him as irresistible as the benefits of Gabe's physical presence. I wish my personality and thoughts and motives and being melted to be more like him than it currently does.

I wonder if there's a lesson in that for me; I'm betting there probably is.

Genesis: Joseph (still) impresses me

I know, I know, it's been almost 2 months, and I'm STILL on this whole Joseph kick, and STILL in Genesis. I have to admit, I haven't been the most consistent with regularly reading in Genesis over the past 2 months - I've jumped around a good bit. But this last week I've been back to my normal study in Genesis, and I have to say, I'm impressed all over again by Joseph.

Families are interesting. I recently had some interesting interactions with my family. It's always challenging to make everyone feel happy - sometimes it's even impossible. I was noticing in Genesis how Joseph interacts with his brothers. He almost baits them, setting them up to a test, and then he assesses them from that position. They pass the test.

One of the things I'm noticing is that nobody is perfect - it just isn't going to happen here on earth - but we have the option to deal in grace with people, just like God deals in grace with us.

I photographed a wedding today, and the Pastor mentioned that God's grace is big enough to cover everything we've ever done in opposition to him, but it's also big enough to have already covered what we're GOING to do in the future.

Isn't that amazing? Joseph demonstrated such amazing grace toward his brothers and his family. I want to be someone that understands and accepts God's grace so I can extend it as lavishly.

Genesis: God knows what he's doing!

Genesis 39:
God knows what he's doing. Why do I worry??!

Joseph lived in a bleak moment - he'd been sold by his brothers (SOLD! He'd had a price value tacked on him and someone bought him into slavery), taken off to the land of Egypt, and now he faces a whole new world of customs and culture and costs. But the one thing he takes with him is his character.

Joseph's character was admirable - from jumping at the chance to serve his father, including literally going extra miles to do his father's bidding - to refusing Potiphar's lustful wife, Joseph was eager to do what was right.

And God chose to bless Joseph. I love that! God was walking with Joseph every step of the way, waiting with him in the long, dark days of the dungeon. God used those moments to grow in Joseph a faith in him that could not be squelched.

And Joseph walked in faith that God was doing what he'd intended, especially once he saw the other side of things and saw how God had used his life for God's ultimate glory and good.

I love that reminder. God really does know what he's doing!

Genesis: Jacob jumped at the cost

Genesis 32

I found this chapter fascinating. There's a couple key ideas I thought I'd share:

1 - Look at how Jacob's character has transformed. There's a lot of good evidence for it in 31 (for example, notice how he doesn't react to Laban's accusations UNTIL Laban accuses him of stealing the idols? Notice how Jacob doesn't defend himself and argue that he HAD asked to leave and that Laban's character was one of being, in general, a real jerk? Notice that Jacob hadn't been told not to attack and fight Laban, it was Laban that got that memo from God, and it would have seemed Jacob had every right to presume Laban was after him to kill him and could have probably justified a preemptive strike? But instead, Jacob makes peace before he leaves - that didn't happen last time around when he left somewhere.), but I see it as a clear evidence here. Jacob's name means deceiver, and he'd done that regularly in his life. Most noteably he'd deceived his father and brother. Jacob isn't out to deceive anyone this time around. He sends a messenger to his brother and lays it all out - where he's been, how much he's acquired along the way, and exactly what he's hoping for. Jacob doesn't lie at all in this little memo to Esau. This is cool. Jacob's grown a lot.

2 - Jacob isn't perfect yet, though. Jacob reacts out of fear from a message, rather than from knowing reality. God had told Jacob to return to his homeland, and that God would be with Jacob. Jacob doesn't seem to be abiding in that promise for awhile. The messenger comes, and Jacob freaks out. He's "terrified." He starts developing a contengency plan. I would imagine it's a lot of work to divide up the household - they're rather large, and people being people, it's hard to get them to do what you want them to do and shut up all at the same time, etc. Jacob clearly goes to some effort to do all of this - and notice it's PRIOR to his prayer. Jacob is still in the process of learning to trust God.

3 - It isn't until verse 9 that Jacob prays. This is the first recorded prayer that Jacob prays in the Bible. It's a beautiful prayer, I think. He reminds God of God's faithfulness to his family. He remembers the promise God gave him. He acknowledges how abundantly God has blessed him - Jacob truly seems to have a much more humble view of himself than in the past. Jacob acknowledges God's blessings in his life. Jacob candidly admits he's afraid, and he begs God to rescue him and help him. Then verse 13 states, "Jacob stayed where he was for the night." I'm curious about what this means. Did he stay "where he was" meaning "in prayer"? Or just the physical proximity? At any rate, it seems to imply some kind of waiting or anticipation. I think it's interested that Jacob, for the first time, seems to POUR out his heart to God, and the Bible doesn't record any kind of answer on God's part.

4 - Jacob continues with the contengency plan... which shows he's maybe still not completely trusting God. He goes through the work of dividing his household more, telling his servants to stretch the truth a bit, while he's essentially stacking ifs on top of maybes - hoping that IF this happens, MAYBE that will happen... We've already seen how this isn't always the best plan!

5 - Jacob seems to purposefully seek being alone. At night. I noticed interesting parallels between here and the first time God vividly appeared to Jacob. Jacob had been then and is in this story by himself, in a camp, at night, homeless, physically removed from his family, fearful, anxious, having come from a place that he cannot go back, but is scared to go forward... And it's HERE that God appears to Jacob again. But this time it's different.

6 - Last time, when Jacob vividly saw God, it was in a dream. Jacob was a passive participant. He was asleep and didn't necessarily have control over what he dreamed. This encounter is far different. Jacob's role is active on this night, and he is 100% sold out.

It's sometime in the middle of the night when God appears to Jacob, so I think it's fair to surmise the God and Jacob wrestle for awhile. I'm kind of curious about how all of it transpired - did Jacob just turn around and there was this dude standing there ready to wrestle him? Did Jacob realize the significance? Was there any exchange of words while the wrestled? I took jiu-jitsu for awhile, and I'll vouch for the fact that grappling is incredibly hard work. I can only imagine the extensive amount of energy Jacob expended wrestling with God. I know when I grapple, I do talk to the other person, but that's because I was always grappling people better than I was, so I'd ask questions as we went along (and emit small cries of frustration as they got me in arm bars yet again!).

But I don't really think they talked. Not until the dawn started to break in the East (I've seen the dawn over the Middle East - gorgeous and spectacular events!) does the Bible record any words being spoken. God says to Jacob, "Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!" and Jacob's response is fascinating: he says, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

I didn't read any commentaries on this, so if there's a whole other way of looking at it, I apologize for my mis-theorizing... Regardless, I think it's significant that Jacob says this. He is after a blessing. And he's not going to give it up until he gets it.

This realization kind of rocked my understanding of blessings. I think I tend to think of them as things that just, you know, happen to you. But maybe that's wrong. Maybe blessings are things we can - and often times should - seek. Even more than that, I think it's significant that Jacob's blessing cost him something. Notice that it isn't until after Jacob's hip socket is wrenched that this conversation happens. Jacob was seeking a blessing from this wrestling stranger, and it cost him hours of effort and intense pain, I'm sure, and even then, he wasn't going to give up.

I am thinking about the cost of blessings now. Maybe I've had the wrong view - I tend to think of them as not necessarily costing anything. But this passage seems to indicate that seeking a blessing will be very costly. Seeking God's blessing requires much work and intense commitment and unwavering devotion. If Jacob had lost his concentration for just one second, I'm sure God could have beat him (where on earth did Jacob learn to wrestle like that, anyhow??!), but God, in his grace and wisdom, put a test in front of Jacob that required his WHOLE commitment in order for him to receive the blessing.

How often do I come up against adversity - or even just struggle a bit - and give up on something good and right and blessed that I'm seeking? How often do I even do that because I think God is stepping in the way? MAYBE - and don't take this too far, but it's an interesting thought - maybe God IS stepping in the way, he's throwing in a good challenge, because he wants me to stay focused and committed enough to make it through the night, wrestling.

It's cool that this chapter concludes with God acknowledging Jacob's new identity - no longer as a deceiver, but as one who has wrestle with God and with men and overcome them, which is almost like putting his badge of approval on Jacob. Jacob is now Israel, which testifies to the fact that Jacob sought and sought and sought something from God, and achieved it.

My artistic/photo-oriented mind loves the final scene in this episode. The sun is rising as Jacob walks away, limping, bearing the scars and damage of what seeking that blessing cost him, but also empowered by the fact that he'd received that which he sought.

I think I may need to ponder this passage for a bit.

Genesis: Leah's Loneliness

Genesis 29:14-35

When I read this passage a couple weeks ago, I was astonished by the emotional implications it carries for me in my life and, presumably, for many women out there.

From one perspective, Leah's story is absolutely horrifying. She lives through what I'd be willing to bet is many women's fears: her father seems to have no appreciation, value, or respect for her; he's willing to trick someone into taking her and getting her off his hands. Her husband has no love for her; he's tricked into taking her off her father's hands, AND he loves someone else. Her sister is favored over her. And regardless of what she does to increase her value, she never seems to have gained the love she longed for.

First, we've got Leah's dad. Laban, although maybe not quite as bad as Lot, certainly didn't have a ton going for him in terms of his affection for his daughters. When he saw that he could get 7 years of labor out of Jacob for Rachel, he jumped at the chance. I presume that sometime during those 7 years, he realized he could get even MORE labor out of Jacob if he pawned off Leah first (I'm not buying his whole "It's not our custom" argument, in case you didn't notice). I cannot imagine being Leah - to know your father doesn't care about you a smidge more than what he can get out of you. I think, given her place, every woman would naturally hope that at least they could escape from their father and find value (at the very least - hopefully something more along the lines of love and cherishing) with a husband... but that wasn't Leah's story.

Next let's consider Jacob. Jacob loved Rachel. Jacob didn't love Leah. Jacob didn't want Leah. Leah was an unexpected-but-surmountable hoop to jump through to get to Rachel. An inconvenience. Like a terrible sales hoax that makes you buy two things in order to get the one you want, with no return policy. That's Leah: a tried-but-found-unsatisfactory-because-the-expectations-were-already-set-for-something-else kind of girl. And spoiled in the process. Jacob slept with her, used her, realized she wasn't who he thought she was, and only finished out his honeymoon with her on the condition that he'd get to take a second wife when the week was up. Wow. Cherished? Nope.

Then there's Rachel. Rachel is Leah's little sister. Rachel has already been the talk of the family - she's been the bait to keep the long-lost cousin around for 7 years and get free labor out of him. She's the pretty one. In my head, I picture her as coy, charming, flirtatious, admired. Leah had "weak eyes" (or as my NLT says, "There was no sparkle in Leah's eyes"). Love makes women beautiful. I'm serious. When a woman is loved, she opens up and blossoms like a beautiful flower. Have you ever seen an elderly woman who has been loved by a good man her whole life? She is beautiful. It doesn't matter if she's wrinkled and white, she is bathed in love, and that makes her stunning. Contrary to that, there are women who, based strictly on their external appearance, are attractive, but put them in a situation where they are mistreated, unvalued, unloved, uncherished, and overlooked, and they will wilt. They wither. They not only age, but they age faster than their years. It's absolutely heartbreaking. That was Leah. Rachel had blossomed under the admiration of Jacob - although I would seriously question whether Rachel loved Jacob or just loved the attention, since I doubt she got it from her dad - and Leah had withered away from years of being overlooked - by her father, her brothers, her sister, and her cousin.

There is a small glimmer of hope in vs 31, and Leah sees it too! But it also fails in some regards - although it certainly succeeds in others:

Leah has a baby. The Bible says this is God's doing. I love that little phrase - God is at work here. God witnesses these hardships that Leah has endured, and even though the lesson and season he's taking her through and will continue to take her through is hard, it will be worth it. He knows that.

And he provides a little joy along the way: Reuben is born. We catch a glimpse of Leah's heart here - she mentions that God has seen her misery (other translations say "noticed," or "looked on"), and she hopes that this baby will be what it takes for Jacob to love her. She's wrong.

Then she gets pregnant again and has Simeon. She doesn't pronounce her hope here, she just makes an observation "The Lord heard that I was unloved" (other translations say "come to the Lord's ears" and also that she is "despised," "not loved," "the hated one"). These are dark days for Leah. She has increased her value to Jacob tremendously in the customs of the day by giving birth to "an heir and a spare," so to speak. Both boys. In close succession. Yet Jacob doesn't even seem to notice. He's presumably still working off his second seven years for Rachel.

Next in line is Levi; she's still clinging to hope that Jacob will be her "savior" so to speak - that he will pronounce value and approval and belonging over her and her life. She says, "SURELY this time my husband will feel affection for me, since I've given him three sons!" (also: "become attached," "be attached to me," "be joined unto me," "united to me," adhere to me"). Leah doesn't even seem to want love any more - maybe she's given up on that - but she's still seeking a purpose of some kind, a belonging. She wants to belong to Jacob. She wants to be a part of him. She wants to be united to him.

If there is any argument in Scriptures that articulates how sex does not equal love, this has got to be one of the good ones. Clearly Jacob and Leah were having intercourse - how often, who knows, but obviously a few times after the bridal week. But Leah knew having Jacob's body next to hers didn't mean she had Jacob's heart next to her heart. Leah knew that Jacob's physicality was disconnected from his emotions.

I cannot imagine the pain she must have experienced - I wonder if Jacob would leave her after they'd been together to finish the night with Rachel. I wonder how many nights Leah slept fitfully, either heavily pregnant or nursing an infant or sitting by the bedside of a sick toddler, knowing that her husband was sleeping in the arms of another woman - and not just any woman, but her husband's true love, the one he'd always wanted, the one he'd worked 14 years for, and to rub salt into the wound, her very own little sister.

Leah walked a path of pain. She walked with the agonizing companion of loneliness. She was humbled, broken, and rejected.

In verse 35 I see a glorious conclusion to this passage. Of course, Leah wasn't perfect, and in the following chapter we see that she struggled - just like ALL of us do - with her expectations, her identity, her fears, her pride, etc. But I love verse 35 because it gives us the slightest glimpse into how God was working in Leah's heart and why, in the end, I can testify and say that I believe Leah was incredibly blessed: Leah became pregnant once again, and gave girth to another son, whom she named Judah. She said, "Now I will praise the Lord" (or, "This time I will praise the Lord," "I praise Jehovah").

Leah has finally stepped out of the darkness into the light. She realized that it didn't matter whether Jacob loved her. It didn't matter whether her father loved her. It didn't even matter whether her sister loved her. She saw that God loved her, and she chose to praise him. She says NOTHING about Jacob here, she says NOTHING about being loved or attached or her misery. She JUST says, "I'll praise the Lord."

That's amazing. After all that pain and heartache and hurt, for YEARS, she can hold her 4th son, look up toward heaven, and say, "Thank you, Lord, for all the good things you have given me."

Of course, the last phrase in this chapter is enough to stop one up: "And then she stopped having children." I'm tempted to get a little angry with God on that note - I feel like, "gee, did you just wait for her to acknowledge your power, then pull the plug?" but essentially, yes, that's what happened. And that was fine. He wasn't being mean to Leah, God was simply orchestrating a season for her faith in him and her understanding of her identity in him to be deepened, solidified, refined. He stopped her from having children at that time because she had learned the lesson he wanted her to learn.

In all of this, however, I feel humbled and challenged by these circumstances. Leah's life seems to epitomize the worst case scenario, one that terrifies me in terms of "what if?" But Leah also throws down the challenge that it IS possible to know God's love and live abiding in him, even when all your circumstances are against it. In fact, perhaps it's because the circumstances are so harsh that we recognize our dramatic need to stake our identity in God.

I love that God knows us best and is willing to hurt us in order to help us become the people he wants us to be.