Poems

ONE:

I am but one

Small bud in a field

Small thorn on a rose bush

Small fleck on a clock

I have but one

moment in time

breath left to spill

self to give

I strive for none but one

goal: to love

life: to live

thought: to praise

I have

two hands to move

two ears to tune

two eyes to weigh

I desire just one:

blink to endure

God to serve

love to hold as mine:

Jesus.

THE VOICE:

The voice I'm learning to decipher

Amidst the wind and rain

Is the voice I long to hear

Comfort my world-wearied soul today.

I hope for strength and patience

As I pass where I can't see His face

May His tenderest touch

Fill my heart with the rush

To step through my sludge to His gate.

SURRENDER:

My heart and its feelings

of sadness and woe and

hope. Surrender.

My dreams and the fuel

that pressed me

onward to go.

My words and my deeds

must be given to Thee

if this act is complete.

But to learn to love

well, and to hold

well myself, I

Surrender to be

more like You and

much, much less

like me.

TO LOVE:

Oh the trials the soul must face

When a heart desires to give, not take

Against every instinct it must fight

When reason and hope seem out of sight

The battle must be won

Strength given from the Son

But death comes in the night

before the rising of Love.

Genesis: My Struggle is not Always Your Struggle

This will be quick, because I've got a stack of papers to focus on, but I noticed in Genesis 25 this morning that when God tells Isaac that he's going to be the father of many nations and that all people will be blessed through him, it is an altogether different circumstance from Abraham's reception of that news; Isaac had not just one son, but TWO: Abraham had none.

Abraham had great, inspirational, astounding faith. One of the biggest demonstrations of his faith, I think, is in relation to this whole son issue.

Isaac didn't have to struggle with that... as much. He DID plead with God on his wife's behalf to enable her to have children. But he didn't receive the promise of many descendants on a personal level until AFTER his son were born.

Isaac's great trial of faith wasn't the same as his father's, exactly. Therefore, it follows that my trial of faith might not be the same as yours.

A Sight to See

I'd like to preface this (for what it's worth) by saying I'm not Pentecostal. Whatever you would think of in terms of "conservative," that's probably me. I have a friend who worked at a Baptist church for awhile and he thought that church was conservative. I'm more conservative than that, in practice of my "religion" (although, really, I'm not a fan of that word!). I tend to be pretty straight laced and traditional. That isn't to say I don't believe in miracles (they totally happen!) or expressing emotions in worship (uh - just don't ask ME to dance, please!), I'm just wary. I'm wary of things I cannot logically set apart from myself and analyze and come up with a good reason for it.

With that in mind, I'm not trying to convince you (my, like, one reader!) of anything specifically. I'm just going to tell you a little about myself.

When I was 14 and at my youth group's summer camp, during chapel service one morning or afternoon or evening - I don't remember which - I had an experience that has stuck with me ever since. I don't know if it was anything supernaturally special - I have a pretty good imagination, so it might have just been that... but hey, who says God cannot speak to us through our imagination?! Look at Narnia or Lord of the Rings!

Anyhow.

I was praying, and just talking to God about stuff, which I don't even remember now, and I saw myself as a small child standing at the foot of a set of HUGE stone doors. I was scared to go inside. It was a castle of some kind, but really more vast than I could understand. I knew that God was on the other side of those doors. And I didn't want to interrupt anything happening inside his throne room. But then I noticed an impressive and slightly intimidating man standing beside the door, and he said very kindly, "You can go inside, Dani. It's OK. You're welcome." Then he opened the door for me. I stepped through, and I know there were people around, but I don't know who or what they were doing, but I just stood there at the back of the room for a second. Then I focused on the figure sitting on the huge throne at the front of the room, and I saw him motioning toward me. I started to walk slowly, then faster, then I was running for the front of that huge, great, cavernous room. I ran right up a seemingly huge flight of stairs to get up to the same level as that throne, and I was picked up inside massively huge arms, and held against a safe, secure, chest.

I was held in the arm of God. I will never, no matter how long I live, forget that sensation. It felt like I was disappearing inside the safety of his heart.

This picture doesn't exactly reflect it, but it's about as close as I can get on google images to the picture I see in my head:

Sunday I went to the beach for some alone time. It was wonderful, but that's a story for another day. For the second time, I saw something that I think is significant to me on varying levels.

There wasn't a specific moment I saw this, it was different than last time, but I realized as I was driving home that I had a certain image in my head: I see myself standing at the edge of a great, huge, vast canyon-ish landscape in front of me. It looks amazing. Full of mystery, and huge, and almost incomprehensible, but I also have the most incredible peace looking at it. Rather than feeling stressed like I would imagine myself feeling if I were to ever stand in that position and see a canyon like that spread out before me, I just feel, again, safe and secure. Rather than feeling like I don't have nearly enough time to explore that whole canyon, I know I've got all the time I'll need. And that'll never be enough.

I think the canyon/landscape is God. And he's inviting me to come, explore, understand, investigate, and interact with him. I'm on the cusp of stepping into a deeper, more intimate, more specialized experience with God, but in this brief moment, I get to see a large glimpse of who and what he is, and it is absolutely awe inspiring. It goes on and on. And it's absolutely thrilling to know that I'll go on and on and get to investigate to my heart's contentment.

This isn't exactly it, but it's as close as I can get again:

Anyhow. It's kind of exciting to feel like God is pushing me outside my comfort zones and breaking down my boxes by revealing things to me through alternative mediums...

Genesis: Notes from Noah

I picked up lice while I was in India (disgusting, I know), and although the pesky little bugs are LONG gone now (thanks to olive oil, vaseline, combing, lice shampoo, tea tree oil applied to hair every day for a week, tea tree oil shampoo, more combing, a second round of lice shampoo, several rounds of letting rubbing alcohol soak in my hair, AND consistent use of a hair drier and straightening iron... just in case), there is one major lesson I learned from the experience:

Fine-tooth combing and attention to details can really pay off.

I think I've mentioned I'm studying in Genesis right now. While in India I realized there are a number of things I THINK I know about God, and assume to be true, but I also severely doubted as I looked at what was around me. I can still close my eyes and see the face of a leper woman 10 years my senior who had such severe leprosy that it looks like her body is decomposing while she continues to live. I can still feel the pressure of a little orphan girl clinging to my torso. I cannot even now articulate exactly how these sights changed me - probably because I don't really know - but there's no doubt in my mind that I'm different now. Something small but significant has been tweeked in how I look at the world.

So I decided that I wanted to know if this God I worship - this God I claim to love and know and have a personal relationship - actually IS the God that is revealed in the Bible. Because if He's not, then I'm worshipping an idol. My "relationship" is nothing more than a fantasy. I really want to know God for who He is and in the context of who He shows Himself to be.

Genesis called my name. I'm planning to read carefully through the first 5 books of the Bible, as they were the original recordings that God gave to man that reveals Him through the written word.

I had coffee with my friend Rinat today and something about people's weaknesses came up. I shared this with him. God seemed to use it to hit me over the head and then dumped it in my lap a couple weeks ago:

Genesis 9:18-28

Noah makes a vineyard and gets drunk and lies in his tent naked. Ham find him. He goes out and tells his brothers. His brothers come in and cover up Noah. Noah wakes up and realizes what happened, curses Ham, and blesses Shem and Japheth.

Here's what I noticed:

1 - We don't know Ham's attitude or circumstances in finding Noah. Maybe Noah was in his private tent and Ham rudely barged into his tent. Maybe Ham had reason to be in Noah's tent. Maybe Ham was snooping. We also don't know what Ham's attitude was when he came out of Noah's tent. Was he laughing at his father and ridiculing him? Was he disgusted? I dunno. But I do know that he saw his father in a weak and vulnerable state, and he did the wrong thing.

2 - Shem and Japheth found out from Ham that their father was laying in his tent drunk and naked, and they did the opposite of what I'd expect: rather than going to see the spectacle, or even just leaving Noah alone in an attitude of indifference, they go out of their way to cover up their father without giving him additional reason for shame or dishonor. They BACK into the tent and don't look.

3 - Ham saw his father's weak and vulnerable, and he tried to exploit it somehow. He told people. He drew attention to it. He magnetized Noah's flaws. Shem and Japheth did the opposite. They knew about their father's weakness, and they didn't do anything to further expose it. They didn't prey on him in his weakness. Instead, they purposefully tried to use their own strength to protect their father's weak points.

How often do I see someone's weakness and jump at it? Or, more subtly, how often do I just happen to "casually" mention it? Or use it against them or their reputation in even the slightest way? More importantly than that, though, how often, when I see a weakness, do I FAIL to purpose to protect and shelter that weakness, using my own strength to make up for the shortcoming in another person? Or, at the very least, to help them deal with their problem by assisting them.

4 - Noah seems to dramatically overreact. Rather than responding in humbleness and saying, "Boys (although they were all well over a 100 a this point, I believe!), I did something stupid, and I know you know about it, and I just want to confess and come clean to you," instead he starts throwing up smoke screens and cursing Ham and drawing attention to his son and diverting it off himself. How often do I do THAT? Rather than, in humility, admitting a mistake or foolishness or sin, I try to point out other people's faults, or use them as an excuse.

It's really sobering to see myself reflected in the negative side of these old Bible stories. But it's also good for me to come face to face with my sin.

Father, thank you for how you continue to work through your Word to teach. Open my eyes to my sin so I can repent and stop. Help me be a champion for people, a warrior maiden fighting FOR people, not against them. Help me honor and respect them, their stories, their past, their present, and their future. Thank you for your insurmountable mercy.

Genesis: What Abimelech Observed

I spent most of my time last week in Genesis 21. I kept rereading verses 22-34. I just couldn't seem to get anything too profound out of it, and I thought for sure I was missing the point. Then I realized two things:

1 - Abimelech noticed Abraham was blessed and sought to be a part of that blessing. I think this is fascinating, especially given that Abimelech doesn't get any mention in the Biblical canon as being a believer in God. That fact was convicting to me: a non-believer is more in tune with seeing who is being blessed than I probably would be, and he also DOES something about it.

How often do I simply overlook God's blessings? Whether it be in my life or in other people's lives? And not only that, but when I do see that God is blessing someone, does it prompt me to action? Or is it just, like, "Oh, hey, that's cool. Hm. 'Bout them Huskies..." It makes me think of how much more I could be doing. If I'm looking for blessings around me, and notice someone as being blessed, why on earth don't I go to them and say, "Hey, what's the deal? I noticed you're being really blessed. How can I get a part of that?" Not that I'm promoting being greedy, but perhaps more from the perspective of maybe I have something I can learn from that person. Not that God operates on a strictly "those who deserve it get blessed" basis, but there ARE some areas where it seems to follow that logical thought - honor your father and mother, and you'll be blessed with long life, etc.

2 - Sometimes I expect that God will work in supernatural ways to accomplish what he plans. Wrong. I think sometimes he uses very normal, everyday, human events and actions. In this case, Abraham and Abimelech developed a peace treaty. I don't believe this was wrong, after giving it some thought. God didn't tell Abraham to go into the land and destroy every living inhabitant - that didn't come until much later. Not only that, if God said that Abraham would live in this land, why can't he do it as a "legal resident," so to speak, rather than as an "illegal immigrant"? There's nothing wrong - and, in fact, it might often be RIGHT! - to progress through conventional, legal, appropriate, ethical chains of command. Abraham was blessed that the chain of command came to him, of course, and that he didn't have to go seek it out... but still, it seems insightful.

So there you have it: God grants lots and lots of blessings. I want to see them. I want to search them out. I want to not be afraid of letting God work through circumstances and not wondering if maybe I'm missing the clear leading. So maybe, when all the doors start opening for you to purchase plane tickets to Niger to work with a Medical Team at a remote hospital, it's reasonable to take that as an indication that's the direction to proceed, don't you think? :-)